Judgement

What’s Going On?

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Last night a tornado warning came across our phones and tv telling us to find shelter. I was shocked. I hadn’t heard of tornados on Hawaii before, so I researched it and discovered that Hawaii ranks 48 out of 50 states in possibility of tornados. That’s pretty low odds, so I thought I was probably safe, but it sure made me think.

All over the world we are experiencing unprecedented happenings from the volcano eruption in Iceland, to the tornado swarm in the southeast area of the United States, to the wildfires on Maui, to the huge fires in many areas of the world, to the rising temperatures worldwide, to devastating wars, to protests and picket lines, and to political division.

That’s a lot.

I woke up this morning with Marvin Gay’s song “What’s Going On” running through my head.  Melody Russel wrote in American Songwriter “The song carries a profound meaning, delving into Gaye’s fervent social and environmental apprehensions…. It was a reflection, a mirror held up to a society in turmoil.… The masterwork captures the spirit of the early 1970s, highlighting a period marked by activism, civil unrest, and a passionate call for change.”

Over 50 years later, I still don’t see the answer to Marvin Gay’s question, “What’s going on.” I keep thinking that maybe we just are hearing lots more about what’s happening with the easy access to the internet we have now. While we can’t prevent most of the natural disasters, we can work together to care for each other and our world.

While we most often deal with the grief that comes from personal loss, we all are dealing with some form of a more universal loss. Just as we need to take care of ourselves as we deal with our personal loss, it’s critical that we recognize the collective grief of our friends, our community, our country, and our world. Consider how we can hold each other up and move forward with support and loving kindness.

We have learned that If we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. There is so much we can do to that is positive and supporting. I encourage you to think about the loss that is going on around you and choose some ways that you can make a difference, then do something. You could commit to voting, recycling, driving less, using water wisely, eliminating flammable materials from your property, or participating in community organizations. There is so much to choose from that can make a difference. Just chose something and start making a difference.

Our collective grief is softened by caring what happens to people and the planet. When we believe that our loving can change the world, it will. Let’s do this.

 

 

“What’s Going On” listen here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance website

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The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

Compassion

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An article in the online magazine Greater Good Magazine says: “Compassion literally means ‘to suffer together.’ Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

David H. Breaux was a Stanford Graduate who majored In Urban studies. He dedicated his life to the study of compassion. He wrote what he believed compassion to be and was inspired to ask people in Davis, California, to write a book with what he collected. He was well loved, 50 years old, unhoused, and the victim of a serial killer.

In 2010, David was searching for a way he could contribute positively to society. After much contemplation, he created his compassion project where he would stand on a corner in Davis, California, and ask people “Would you care to share your written concept of the word compassion?” He considered that asking people to write about compassion would increase their awareness of compassion. His hope was to serve society by inspiring more compassion in the people he touched.

The people of Davis came together to support David’s project so that he was able to publish a book with all the definitions of compassion, Compassion, Davis CA: A Compilation of Concepts of Compassion by David H. Breaux is available on Amazon Kindle. As I read the book I couldn’t help to be inspired and feel the value of practicing compassion. I committed to becoming mindful of when I see compassion demonstrated and to continually look for ways I can practice compassion myself.

In the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings, we write every week about prompts given concerning grief and happiness. The process of writing allows a deeper exploration of the subjects just as David asking people to write their definition of compassion instead of just telling him about it.  I encourage you to write your own definition of compassion and include how you will implement it in your life. I would love to have you post your definition in the comments below.

Practicing compassion brings joy and happiness to both the giver and the receiver. What act of compassion do you commit to completing this week?

 

More about David:

David spent much of his time at Compassion Corner where the Compassion Bench was built from his inspiration. Covered with mosaics created by local artists with positive, compassionate words, built with stuffed plastic bottles, and covered with clay by many members of the community. The bench is curved so that when people sit there to have conversations, they can see each other. This YouTube video shows how the community created The Compassion Corner Earthbench.

Julia B. Levine, Poet Laureate of Davis, California, wrote the poem Letter to a Lost Friend in honor of David Breaux.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

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The Truth

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Do you always tell the absolute truth? The most common answer to this question is “Of course I only tell the truth!” But do you? Really?

Years ago, there were many stories that I told. I wasn’t trying to be dishonest. I was trying to feel better about myself.  I felt that I could be seen in a better light if I just enhanced what I was saying just a little bit, but if that enhancement didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I described, what I said wasn’t the truth.

One relationship I had ended badly, so when anyone would ask me about it, the story I told made me a victim and the other person the villain. I wasn’t exactly lying. I was trying to be persuasive and get sympathy. I look back now at my sorry self and see how what I said just made things worse.

Can you think of a time when you fudged a little? Something could be as simple as writing the weight you’d like to be rather than your actual weight on a health questionnaire is an example. Or something like telling yourself that buying just one extra carton of ice cream won’t affect your weight, when you know for you that one extra carton leads to three since they are on such a good sale.

Your dishonestly can be even more troubling when you say what you want to be true, like telling someone you love them because they said it first instead of recognizing that is not how you feel at that point.  You aren’t telling the truth when you embellish what you are saying like “That pie you made was so good,” when you knew it was a struggle to take another bite.  You just didn’t want to hurt the baker’s feelings. What you didn’t know when you said that was because of your compliment, that baker made several of that same pie for the bake sale later that week.  Those poor people who bought something they thought would be good and your baker friend lost their reputation as a good cook.

Little lies can build up locking you in a trap of having to create bigger lies to cover up for the first thing you said. Maybe when asked about the skills of a friend, you exaggerated because you knew that what you said could get them the job they needed. When that didn’t work out, then you found yourself being more dishonest when you tried to cover for what you said in the first place.

Lies we tell ourselves while we are grieving are things like, “I will never be happy again,” or “I can’t get over how I am feeling.”  What do you say about your grief that isn’t exactly true or that you don’t know if it is true or not?  Remember, if you say something often enough, it can become your truth. And I know you would love to feel better.

Be mindful of what you say. When you aren’t completely sure if something is completely true, don’t say it. What often happens is that we speak first and think about what we said later. The trouble with this is once the words come out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.

When I finally realized that I was not being exactly truthful because it was easier or because I just didn’t think before I spoke, I knew that not being in integrity was hurting me. Now I have developed the habit of being mindful of what I say, of thinking before I speak. I no longer embellish, exaggerate, or just fudge a little with what I say. Changing this behavior was not quick and took dedication, and it was so worth it.

True happiness can only come with true integrity.

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I’m Sorry for Our Loss

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Those who know me know I frequently ask people to not say “I’m sorry for your loss.”  This phrase grates as trite and something people say out of a sense of obligation to recognize someone’s loss then rush on to what they actually want to talk about.

I just got home from a nine hour flight where I binge watched the series “And Just Like That . . . .”  because I heard it deals with loss in many different ways. While the subject matter of the show won’t appeal to everyone, one particular line caught my attention.

In an effort to offer condolences, a character said that dreaded “I’m sorry for your loss.” The person responding said “I’m sorry for our loss.” That took my breath away. Finally someone gets it. Sharing grief multiplies the comfort of community.

A person who is offering sympathy is often grieving for the same person, or they may be grieving someone else. All of us are grieving someone or something most of the time. The challenge comes when we lack support and comfort. By saying “our,” we bring the person speaking into our circle.

Saying “I am sorry for our loss” can open communication by recognizing your own grief and recognizing the grief of someone who is trying to support you.

Next time someone says, “I am sorry for your loss,” be a mirror to them with your reply. This can lead to a deeper friendship and the warmth of understanding.

To each person reading this, I am sorry for our loss.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Your Beautiful Mind

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Everyone has a mind which acts like our closest friend.  Our mind talks to us more than anyone else we know, and it doesn’t always seem to be on our side. Offering advice is one of its favorite things to do. I know sometimes I will say something I don’t mean, and I can just see my mind in the background laughing and saying “See, I made you say that!”  When this happens, I realize that I have to be mindful of each word I speak.

In that early time alone after my husband died, my mind was especially active. Reflecting my feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, my mind seemed especially agitated saying things like “You’re always going to be alone,” “You’re too sad to do anything,” “Or you don’t need to eat now. It’s too much trouble.”  Trying to consciously think about anything seemed too hard, so my mind would jump in to fill up all the emptiness.

Now when I hear people who are dealing with loss saying things like my mind was saying to me, I realize that those negative words aren’t coming from their hearts, and I see how their mind would love to take over and make them even more confused about what they are dealing with.

What can you do about this?  First, recognize what is happening.  When you are mindful, you can take control of your life.  To be mindful means to be conscious and aware. You focus on the present moment and communicate from there from your heart.  Do you remember times your mind took over and wasn’t acting in your best interests, and maybe you didn’t have the energy to disagree with it?  I remember my mind telling me I didn’t need to get out of bed, I didn’t need to talk to anyone, and I didn’t need to eat healthily.  Giving in to what it was telling me was easier than using my energy to talk back.

When you realize that your mind is keeping you confused, it’s time to take action. The first step is to realize that you are in control. You can make decisions about what is best for you. And your mind isn’t your enemy. It’s just doing what it knows how to do. The very best way to deal with this is to make friends with your mind.  I know this may sound silly, but most of what your mind is doing is trying to get your attention. Your attention is a precious gift. What you pay attention to guides all you do in life.

Let’s start with meditation. I hear people say they can’t just sit still and have their mind clear. Most people say this, and do you know who is telling them that?  You’re right, it’s their minds. Try sitting up straight in a chair with your feet on the floor. I like to meditate barefooted. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Is your mind talking to you? Reminding you that you don’t have time to sit around, or reminding you about that yummy chocolate cake calling to you from the kitchen?  When this happens, thank your mind. Tell your mind how much you appreciate how hard it is trying to help you. Tell your mind that it’s time for it to relax and take a break. Wish it well, then go back to your meditation.

This isn’t easy to do when you first get started, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and your mind can get some rest so that it is not so frenetic trying to guide your every move.

Try this.  Commit to living in each moment. The more you do this, the more your mind calms down.  You will gain a sense of peace and happiness. This is vital when you are dealing with loss.  When your mind starts to wander and tell you sad stories, say “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.” The more you do this, the more it becomes part of your life, and it’s so worth it!

People ask me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time, and I just smile and tell them that right now, right in this moment, my life is good, and I am grateful.  You can find this happiness, too.

Take a deep breath and smile.  You are on your way to that happiness that you can always tap in to, and it feels so good!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Grateful For All Who Served

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I learned recently to not say that someone “committed” suicide as that indicates a judgment when we can’t know what inspired the person to think that suicide was the answer.  Say instead: died by suicide.  Since I started helping people deal with grief, I can’t tell you how many instances of suicide I have some across.

Writer Nicole Spector says that when we say committed suicide it “puts responsibility on the victim, just as the phrase “committed suicide” suggests an almost criminal intent” (reference below). Suicide doesn’t necessarily indicate mental illness. The person may think that they are doing their loved ones a favor because they see themselves as a failure or because they are depressed.  We will never know for sure.

I was thinking about this on Memorial Day as I read an article in Military Times by Dean Lambert who I had the honor of interviewing for my podcast The Importance of End of Life Planning, April 19, 2022. His article, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? (reference below) He asks if we can honor veterans who die of suicide as the result of the experiences they endured in the service to their country. His words are heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but cry.

This reminded me of when after Ron died, I made an appointment with my cardiologist because my heart medication didn’t seem to be working. Usually, he was hard to get into because we don’t have enough doctors on this remote island, but he told me to come right in. He explained to me that what I was experiencing what not a medication problem but was PTSD.

I was shocked. I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, but he knew the details of what had been happening with Ron, and he knew I had already experienced so much with Jacques.  Fortunately, with his help, I was able to take the best care of me and find the work I am doing now to help others which has been helpful to me at the same time.

I know how bad I felt at that time, I was devastated.  And when I read Dean’s story of his son, I was able to relate. So many veterans come back from serving in unimaginable situations, and they may feel they have to be strong for their loved ones while their lives have been permanently changed.  I want you to read Dean’s article. His message is so important. 

What is tragic now, but is something we can work toward improving, is that veterans who die by suicide are not honored in the same way other veterans are. As Dean says, “By correlating a veteran’s suicide death to combat-related PTSD, granting military death benefits could bring a measure of comfort and a great deal of closure for survivors. Military dependents might be eligible to receive income, financial support for childcare, health insurance, and other VA benefits.”

I lived in a small California town during the Vietnam War. Our town had the highest deaths from that war per capita of any place in the nation.  I saw classmates and friends who did come back who were totally broken. We all see homeless veterans on the streets who have not been able to adapt back into society. We owe it to all veterans to be sure they have the best of care and benefits for their whole lives for what they have done for us.  We tend to take this service for granted and way too many people only offer judgement.

In answer to Dean’s question, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? I say yes, absolutely, without question. We must offer them our deepest gratitude.

 

 

Why mental health advocates use the words ‘died by suicide’

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/why-mental-health-advocates-use-words-died-suicide-ncna880546

 

Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day?

https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2022/05/26/can-we-honor-deaths-by-suicide-on-memorial-day/

 

The Love Always Project

https://www.lovealwaysproject.org

 

The Importance of End of Life Planning

https://shows.acast.com/grief-happiness/episodes/the-importance-of-end-of-life-planning-with-dean-lambert 

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

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