reclaiming your joy

The Memory of Things

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Stuff seems to accumulate. I have bookshelves full of books I won’t read again, and this is after I have donated enough books in my lifetime to have opened my own bookstore. And I have enough kitchen equipment to run a catering company, and I am sure that is because I did have a catering company in the past. And I have taught cooking classes and had to have supplies for that. And I have done tons of sewing and weaving through my life and that takes a lot of stuff.

There was a time when I used every bit of stuff I have now, but I don’t use almost all of it anymore. Why is it so hard to let go? I see now that it is because of the memories attached to the stuff. I have a beautiful fish poacher. When I bought it years ago, it was pricey. I got it to be able to poach a large piece of salmon to serve as part of an appetizer spread that I put together for the guests at a celebration we had for the publication of Jacques’ new book. I remember Jacques being so impressed with how elegant the appetizers were for his party. The salmon with homemade dill sauce was a huge hit, so I did that a few more times. For years now that great big poacher has been sitting on a top shelf. I see now I haven’t gotten rid of it because it made Jacques happy when I used it.  Jacques died in 2006.  Maybe it is time to let it go.

And that’s just one thing.  I have a story for every specialized baking pan and serving dish I own, and for lots of other things that fill my cupboards.  When we moved from the mainland to Hawaii, we had an enormous garage sale where I released so much stuff, even stuff with good stories. I just didn’t want to load up the container we were shipping across the ocean with things I would never use again, yet we still ended up with lots of stuff here. So why is there still stuff in my life?

I see now that I am equating the things with the memories. I see 2 carving right now that bring such amazing memories about the people who gave them to Ron and me. Do I need these 2 works of art? No. But I do enjoy those memories when I see each piece. And I justify these pieces because they are art, but most of the stuff isn’t.  One time Ron and I came across a delightful little store named “Kiss My Bundt.”  They sold store-made mini and medium sized individual bunt cakes with amazing cream cheese frosting. Ron decided that when we moved to Hawaii, I needed to make and sell these dreamy delicacies. I knew how much work that would be, so I bought some pans and made a few batches of different flavored treats.  After he saw me do this, he realized I was right about how much work it would be, and how the cost for the quality ingredients that made them special made it unlikely we would make any money on this adventure. So ever since that experience, the mini bunt pans have shared the shelf with the fish poacher.

I do love to write, and as I have been struggling to release all this stuff, I realized that instead of holding on to them forever, I could give them away, but only after I wrote the story of the beloved object. The item is not the memory. The story is. So now I am in the process of a purge accompanied by some beautiful, recorded memories.  I can carry these memories with me always whether anyone else even knows they are there. I can see how much more space I will have as I release stuff, and I see how much richer my life will be as I remember the stories of my past with my loved ones, while I live now happily in the moment.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

What’s Your Choice?

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When my husband Ron died, I felt somewhat lost. The first few weeks were as difficult as you could imagine. I felt very alone and adrift, like I was floating through a fog where nothing made sense.  When I started to come around after that, I remembered how sad I was for a long time after my husband Jacques died. I realized that I did not want to experience that again, so I started journaling about what I could do differently, and that led me to see that I wasn’t sure what my purpose in life was anymore.

Not feeling a purpose was a big realization for me.  I knew that if I had a focus, something I could strive for or actively do, I could start to rise up from the sad place where I had been spending my time.  The challenge was what would I focus on?  I started with little things first. I decided to spend less time watching Hallmark movies on television. I hadn’t watched many before this time, and I found that they could be on, and I didn’t need to pay attention because they all had the same basic plot, so I knew how they’d end. When I realized that, I saw that spending my time that way wasn’t serving me.

I started spending lots of time journaling asking myself what I could be doing.  I wrote long lists of people I loved and who loved me, and of things I am grateful for. I wrote something about each person and each thing I was loved and was grateful for, and that helped lift the gloom. Then I tried making a list of things I could do, of what could be my purpose. I wrote lots of details about each item on those lists. The more I wrote, the more I could see that what was missing for me them was human contact.  The more I sat by myself, the lonelier I became. Now that wasn’t me! I love people. I love to have conversations and discover how I could support the people I loved. I started reaching out.

I asked friends over to visit and I signed up for art classes where I could meet new people. All that helped, but the one thing missing was being able to talk to anyone who also was dealing with loss, or at least telling me they were dealing with loss.  I realized how much my writing was helping me in dealing with my grief, so I decided to ask people to come write through grief with me. Since I didn’t know anyone who was currently dealing with grief, I got brave and created a Meet-Up group and asked people to join me. And they did! Every person who showed up did not know me or anyone else in the group, and we quickly bonded over writing and drinking iced tea.

Discovering the joy that came from meeting new people and getting to help them at the same time was just what I needed to pull me forward. Together we supported each other so we all started feeling better.  I am grateful that I chose to reach out and make a change in my life that serves me so well. All of this led me forward to write my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and to find many different ways to provide comfort, support, love and happiness to people who are grieving or dealing with loss.

My choices through each step of this process all served me. Each choice I made opened me up more to new possibilities in my life and to the realization that all I am doing is based on the conscious choices I have been making. I love what I am doing now, and I make a special effort to pay attention to all of my choices which help me to now be happier than I have ever been!

Your choices can bring happiness to you too. What choices are you making today?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

What Brings You Comfort? 

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I’ve been thinking about comfort a lot lately. About ten years ago, I was having difficulty sleeping because of pain I had in my shoulder and hip. We had a relatively new mattress, but I could not get comfortable. My doctor suggested a specific type of mattress topper, and it brought tremendous relief.

Now, all these years later, I realized that the top was deteriorating, and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the bed. I have been putting off doing anything about it because this is the bed I shared with Ron. That was a special, sacred place we shared every night. As my sleep has been more and more difficult, I finally decided to buy a new mattress just for me.

Shopping was a little challenging for me. I finally asked myself how it served me to stay in my old bed, and I realized it was time for me to move forward. In the store, I felt like Goldilocks. My salesperson did an assessment to determine which mattress would serve me best. As I tried one mattress after another, there was an issue with each one: too hard, too soft, too hot.  Finally, I reached the mattress that was considered the perfect one for me, and it was. And I happily bought it.

I realized that my salesperson was building me up toward this mattress as she moved me from one mattress to the next. And when I peacefully relaxed into the mattress especially determined for me, I realized that the process was worth the effort. This got me thinking about the process of finding comfort while grieving.  Each experience I have while grieving leads me to the next one. Some things that felt so painful at the beginning of my loss are things I barely notice now. And I am grateful for that.

I made a list of things that bring me comfort that contains things like visiting with a friend, enjoying nature, going for a walk, reading, and listening to music I enjoy.  I see that I don’t rely on someone else to bring me comfort, and that I can find comfort in most situations.  The more I accept the responsibility for living my best life, the happier I am.

Now when I start to feel uncomfortable, I look at why I am feeling that way and turn it around to focus on why I do feel comfortable right now.  Sometimes I turn to writing to help with this challenge. I can tell you one thing I know for sure; I can’t wait for the comfort I will experience tonight after my mattress is delivered this afternoon!

I encourage you to look for and then appreciate the comfort you experience, no matter what direction it comes from!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Serendipity and Inspiration

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Have you had the experience of creating a vision in your mind of something you would love to do, then things start happening around you showing you that you can do it? Is this serendipity, or is it part of the process of creation? I have had this happen so often that I have learned to pay attention when it happens. When I recognized the power of paying attention, I reflected on my life and saw lots of examples. Here are a few.

When my son Jason was born, I had complications, and the nursing staff was unhelpful to say the least. I could not understand how a nurse could treat a patient without care or compassion. I said to myself, “If I were a nurse, I would never do that to my patients.” Before that time, I hadn’t considered being a nurse, yet I became one, a caring and compassionate one.

Later, when I was in the process of getting my master’s degree in English, I had no idea of what I would do with the degree when I got it. My husband Jacques suggested that I observe a writing class, and two of his colleagues gave me the opportunity to as well as hiring me to grade the essays they assigned.  Their techniques were different, and I could see how I, as a student, would like to be taught, as well as seeing the things that they did that worked and the things that didn’t. This inspired me to start my career as a writing teacher. I loved being innovative and encouraging my students to live their best lives in the process.

Later still, I had a dream of opening a live theatre and school of arts. I was unsure of how I could do this. Then I watched the movie “Music of the Heart” which portrayed the true story of Roberta Guaspari who founded the Opus 118 Harlem School of music as she fought for music education funding in New York City public schools. I had been fighting to find ways to support arts education in the city where I lived, and when I watched the movie, I knew if she could accomplish what she did, I could accomplish what I wanted for my community, so I did.  When I heard the song as the song in the movie, that was my confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to do. Here are some of the words to the song Music of My Heart.

You opened my eyes

You opened the door

To something I had never known before

And your love

Is the music of my heart

 

You can find the complete lyrics here  and  you can watch the movie online.

Then when my husband Ron died, I spent lots of time writing to help me deal with my grief. A few months after my Ron’s death, his good friend Chappy died. I used what I had learned by my writing to write a series of 52 cards to send to his wife Lori, once a week for the first year. I realized that what I said in the cards made and outline for a book that could help many people deal with grief and loss. I wrote that book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and it is providing comfort and support those many people. I also realized that teaching others how to write to deal with their grief was helping them to be happy while they were grieving, so my focus now is on creating The Grief and Happiness Alliance. I look forward to you joining me there.

Whether what I have experienced has come from serendipity or inspiration, I am grateful for it all, and all these occurrences have brought much happiness to my life. My hope is that you pay attention to the serendipity and inspiration you receive. How can you find more happiness in your life by following your heart?

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Grief and Celebration

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I was talking to my new friend Stavros this morning. He is Greek and grew up in Greece. He shared his first experience of a celebration after death, and said it was such a positive experience.  Everyone was laughing and talking about the fun they had throughout their lives with the dearly departed. Stavros grew up without fear of death because of this early experience.

This reminded me of Dia de los Muertos, a celebration in Mexico where the belief is that the souls of the deceased loved ones return on November 1 of every year where their families and friends can celebrate their lives. This colorful celebration is filled with food and laughter.

When my husband Jacques died, his celebration was at our theatre.  He had loved to sing and act there. His good friend Mike Huey put together a performance based on the play Our Town and filled with music and loving tributes from friends.

My husband Ron died at our home in Maui. Hawaii.  Our friend Shena put together a gathering where friends and family sang, did spoken word, and shared fond memories. This was put facilitated by Kimokea, an honored Hawaiian Kupuna, who dressed in his cultural grab and only spoke Hawaiian for the ceremony. The we all got into canoes and paddled out into the ocean to scatter Ron’s ashes and the flowers that those attending brought from their yards.

As a child, all the funerals I attended were so sad. Lots of black clothing and tears. I always at in the back, away from the open casket that I didn’t want to look into.  I wanted instead to remember my grandmother’s hugs and my grandfather’s caring for me. I am so relieved that as I have reached this point in my life that those around me have been choosing the lightness and joy of tributes, performances, and love for our celebrations now.

How does your culture celebrate the passing of loved ones?  What memories do you have of the celebrations of life you have attended for your loved ones? I am writing some wishes for my celebration, but honestly, my hope is that those whose love me will celebrate in the way they would most like to remember me. What is your hope?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Loving Yourself

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Often while grieving we are hard on ourselves, expecting us to have superpowers to break through grief, then being disappointed when that happens. We also have periods of sadness we feel like it will never be over. And we may not be taking good care of us physically by doing things like staying in pajamas, not doing laundry, not bathing as often as we used to, letting our hair get dirty, not going to the gym, or not going for a walk. Not eating mindfully. Does any of this familiar to you? All of these are things you may experience during grief. The key with this is to recognize what you are doing and make an effort to do something different.

Having the strength to do anything may seem daunting.  Try picking just one thing and work your way through it until you can release it.  For instance, if in sadness you are just sitting, try standing up and stretching then find something to do, like call a friend, get a nice cool glass of water, and drink it, read a funny book, or watch a funny movie. If you are still in your pajamas, get dressed even if you aren’t planning on going someplace.  If you are dressed, you are more likely to leave the house or even answer the door.

Take a nice long bath or shower. I always feel so much better after I bathe. This seems to bring a delightfully energy to me. In my early days of grief, sometimes getting in the shower was just too hard to do. If you find yourself feeling this way, ask yourself some questions like will bathing help you feel better? Will you smell better? Will you be able to sleep better? Will you be more likely to visit with someone?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, go bathe now!

Are you moving enough?  I started walking just around my block. Then my walks got longer, and eventually I got back into the pool, and I went to the gym.  What kind of movement would you like to do?  How about gentle yoga, or just doing nice stretches a home. YouTube has a wealth of yoga demonstrations, as well as videos on Tai Chi and Qi Gong.  I love to do Qi Gong and meditate afterward. This allows me to release anything that is bothering me, and it makes me feel so good!

Are you eating too much or eating things that are healthy? Or maybe you are forgetting to eat, or you just don’t get around to eating.  I lost a lot of weight each time my husbands died. Eating just wasn’t a priority. This led to a great weakness, so I started being mindful for eating.  I committed to eating healthy, non-processed foods three times a day with one healthy snack. I started finding or creating new recipes which were easy just for me. If you are eating too much, try developing a relationship with your shopping cart. Make it a no candy, no cookies, no soda, and no chips zone. Treat your shopping cart well and it will serve you!

When you start to get down, recognize what is happening, and put your hands over your heart, take a deep breath and say, “I am happy.” Next breathe say “I am beautiful.” Next breath say, “I take good care of myself.” Then talk one more breath and say, “I love me.”

Doing what I recommend here is your map to happiness, and remember to smile always. Smiling along will make you feel so much better!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.