community

Going it Alone

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In an online meeting I was attending this morning, we were introducing ourselves, and when I told them about my book, they all wanted to talk about their grief. Most of the group expressed how they hadn’t really dealt with their grief because it was hard for them to talk about. They said things like they didn’t think other people would want to hear about, or they didn’t want to bring other people down, or that they didn’t want to deal with the sadness that comes to them when they do talk about their grief.  They also pointed out that they knew people grieving over losses other than grief.

Right now, it seems like we all are dealing with some form of grief whether it is from the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, a home, an income, a pet, or anything important to our lives. And most of us just deal with our grief on our own then wonder why we are having a hard time.

When grieving, people tend to withdraw from other people to avoid the sadness, the crushing pain, or the reactions they get when they mention it. Does this sound like you or someone you know? With my own grief, I tended to keep to myself for the first couple of months. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. And I didn’t want to listen to anyone either. Hearing them talk about anything other than my loss was difficult to deal with.  How could they care about what to fix for dinner or a new purchase they made?

Eventually I got to a point where I did want to talk or listen, but by then I needed to connect with people again. I tried to find groups on social media that I could join and be able to communicate, but I discovered so much sadness. At first, I was replying to every devastating story I read, and in the process, I seemed to be absorbing that sadness. I would stop writing when I was in tears. I realized that doing this wasn’t helping anyone.  The people who were writing the stories just needed to tell their stories and weren’t prepared to listen to a response. I assumed that because I never received a response from anyone I wrote to.

Eventually I decided to find new friends and I created a Meet Up group and invited people to join me to write about what we were grieving.  This worked. Meeting face to face we were all able to share and respond to each other. We all realized how much we needed to share our stories.  By meeting with this new group, I became more comfortable in reaching out to my friends, and they responded. I think they always wanted to but weren’t sure what to say. My reaching out to them broke the ice and we easily fell back into the relationships we had before my loss. And, when they were ready, they talked to me about how the loss affected them, too.

If you feel stuck now, don’t despair. People still love you. New people will love you, too. When you are ready, open your heart and allow people back in.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Growing What is Good

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I started a Produce Share with neighbors when we first moved to Maui because we had such an abundance of fruit on our property, and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Every Friday, people would stop by and bring what they had to spare from their gardens, and we would share, no money exchanged.  Sometimes we even made jam or banana bread to share. And I found a way to share all the papayas, lilikoi, bananas, and avocados I had.

When the pandemic hit, the grocery shelves became bare.  Since Hawaii is said to be the most remote place in the world, we heavily rely on barges to bring in food from the mainland and other countries.  I thought of the Victory Gardens people planted during World Wars I and II where people grew and shared what they could from their gardens to be sure their families and friends had enough food to eat.

Since our produce share is still going after five years, I decided to expand my garden to have even more to share. I hired a gardener to put in some irrigation for me so as not to waste water, a precious commodity on an island.  He turned out to be an expert in in permaculture gardening, so I asked him to put in a huge garden to provide lots more food to share.  He used lemon grass and comfrey to make a beautiful border and keep the grass from the lawn from growing into the garden.

My new garden has gotten so big that I now have a lovely young woman who helps me keep it up with weeding and planting.  Yesterday she surprised me with a giant bunch of carrots she had pulled. I was surprised because I didn’t know they were there! Last spring before my big new garden was planted, I bought a package of carrot seeds and planted them, watered them, weeded around them, pulled them from the ground, shared them, and ate them.  I didn’t realize that I had left some of them in the ground.

Then one day I noticed one day that I was growing pretty white flowers in my vegetable garden.  At the top of tall green stems sat balls of little white flowers clustered together in the shape of pom-poms.  Upon investigation, I discovered a few giant carrots shouldering up from the ground attached to these flowers.  I had never seen carrot flowers before. My gardener told me to cut them, put them in a paper bag, and let them dry out.  When they were dry, I shook the stems, and a lot of tiny black seeds popped out, so I planted them.

I planted those carrot seeds next to the lemon grass, not understanding how large it would become.  When the distinctive carrot tops grew, they were hidden in the tall lemon grass, so when my garden helper discovered them yesterday, we were delighted! Precious food from the garden tastes the best!

My carrots seemed a metaphor for the cycle of life. We are born from tiny seeds which are nurtured as they grow. They provide food, beauty, and more tiny seeds to start the cycle again. We all grow through our own cycles, and on our way, the more we grow and share, the happier we are. Ultimately, our sharing is complete, and we have the opportunity to revert back to the soil and create more new food and beauty.

I am grateful I have so much beauty and bounty to share which makes my life just that much richer. What bounty do you share?

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Will it Ever End?

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I saw on the news last night about another mass shooting. They showed a picture of each of the ten victims and shared who they were. I found myself teary, which led to actually crying. I didn’t know any of these people and I’ve only been to Colorado once, so I asked myself why this affected me this way?   And I realized that I was dealing with compounding grief.

This shooting brought back memories of way too many more mass shootings. I even knew a victim of once of these incidents.  Fortunately, she didn’t die, but her being hurt reminded me that this could happen to anyone anytime.  They not only happen in in clubs, in theatres, and at concerts, but also at school and even church.  A mass school shooting happened in the 70’s in San Diego at a school close to where we lived.  My children were walking to school with a helicopter flying low over them, and when they got in their classrooms, the doors were locked. Another shooting happened when they were in junior high school and a shooter was shooting into classrooms from a park across the street. Fortunately, in that instance, no one was hurt.

As I considered my reaction last night, I recognized that I don’t fear mass shootings.  There is no way we can know when something like this will happen, and fear wouldn’t change or help anything. What does happen with me is memories of my loved ones who have died.  I am reminded of all I will never experience again with all these people.  No more conversations, no more hugs, no more celebrations. My heart aches for those who loved these current victims thinking about all they will miss now. This I am sure is what brought the tears.

Tragedies like these happen as a part of life. If guns weren’t available, people who want to create this mayhem will find another way. Dwelling on these heart wrenching events does not serve us. Instead, we can use devastating events like this as an inspiration to live our best lives now when we can. Focus on each moment, sharing love and giving support to people we love every chance we get. Recognize all the love and beauty you have in your life right now and do whatever you can to multiply that. Don’t leave things unsaid that can lead to regret later. And include yourself in all that love. You are precious and special and deserve great experiences. Make them happen.

And instead of focusing on the sorrow you hold about the people you have lost, focus on the love you shared. Remember all the good things and know they will always be in your heart. When things happen that appear to be negative, always search for the bright side and actively do something that will make you and the loved ones you are surrounded by now feel all that love you are sending out. And remember to graciously receive that love they are reflecting to you.

 

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Who Do You Touch?

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I went to listen to music and watch the sunset sitting outside last night not far from the beach. I invited my friend Sharon to go with me and we had a great time people watching. I was talking with people sitting near by when someone mentioned how much she likes my Facebook Group Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss for its positivity and support. I was tickled to hear that someone appreciates what I do when I realized I was sitting with three of my group members. What a treat. 

I spend lots of time writing my blog, posting on social media, and working to get my book published, but I don’t always hear that people are actually seeing what I do and are affected by what I say. I realized last night the power of my positivity. I love to help and support people and see that my reach is further than I had imagined.

When you speak or write, who hears you? Is the message you send out who you really are? Will people find comfort in what you say? Or will their heart break a little because they felt judged or like they are not enough? 

The words you speak or write have power. Choose what you say wisely, and infuse your words with positivity and love. I am grateful you read this. My intention is to support you on your journey with love. 

 

If you would like to join our Facebook group, go to Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss and ask to join. I hope to see you there!

Creating Community

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Sharon and I shared a similar experience in that we moved with our husbands to Maui only to have them die not long after we arrived. While Maui is beautiful, it is one of the most isolated places in the world to live. So both of us discovered ways to meet people and get involved in our community which has brought us joy and a sense of belonging. We love it here.

When Ron and I first moved into our home, our lawn was carpeted with fallen lilikoi, or passion fruit as some people call it. While I love the taste and fragrance of lilikoi, I had no idea what to do with so much of it. We also had lots of papayas and bananas. While this bounty of fresh tropical fruit was wonderful, we couldn’t begin to eat it all, and I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste. I discovered an app called Nextdoor.com where I could post things that my neighbors could read, so I used it to notify my neighbors that I had fruit to share. Every Friday afternoon from 4 to 5, I invite anyone who wants to come to share what they have from their gardens that is more than they can use. We have a regular following now who come very week as well as new people who come occasionally. We’ve developed our own little Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. And we all have all the produce and eggs we can eat. I met Sharon there.

When Sharon moved to the island, she had the comfort she found from her church, but she was happy to meet new people. She spends lots of time in her big beautiful yard tending fruits and vegetables. At one point, she had quite an abundance of vegetables, so she decided to invite the people she had met so far to her home for a luncheon of a big batch of ratatouille. The food was luscious, and I made new friends there. She also was involved in the Maui Farmers Union United who is happy to have home gardeners involved, so she invited me to their meetings. I loved this group and joined to go to their monthly potlucks and learn all about food farming on the island. And I also discovered Neil and Elena there, part of our Produce Share family.

Monday Sharon did another pop-up luncheon, this time with both green and red gazpacho due to an abundance of tomatoes and avocados. Yum! And served with new friends!

Recently Shena invited me to an Intention Circle. A new experience for me, a group of eight people gather to listen to each other’s intentions and meditate considering them and supporting each other. It was a powerful gathering, and the best part was I met eight new friends! I have discovered that in order to meet people and have wonderful experiences on Maui, I just need to be creative and to say yes when invited to new experiences. Often in grief we tend to isolate ourselves or cocoon, and that is OK. But when we are ready, saying yes to the experience of life can support us in ways we haven’t dreamed of before. You can create your own event or experience, and you can accept invitations and try new things. Try it. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

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