Support

Change, Change, Change

by

The ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus was credited with the concept of “the only thing certain is change,” so this concept seems to have been around forever. I was in high school in 1965 when the Byrds song Turn, Turn, Turn came out, and it helped me through some tough times. I had some of the normal challenges in high school that made me sad, frustrated, or afraid. When I realized this was happening, I would listen to Turn, Turn, Turn and my feelings would soften as I realized that I may be feeling them now, but soon everything would be different. And whatever it was I was dealing with always changed.

No matter where you are in your grief process, knowing that you won’t be stuck there can make a huge difference in how you feel. If you do feel stuck, here are some ideas to use to help you move forward:

  • Write in your journal
    • Write all about what is making you feel stuck. Then write your ideas of what you could do to make a change. Then do what you came up with. For instance, if you cry every time you see the picture of your loved one, try putting the picture in another room you don’t go in as often.
  • Enjoy nature
    • When you find yourself sitting in the same place in your home all the time, go outside. You could pick some flowers, work in your garden, go for a walk, or just sit in a chair outside. Try doing something a little different each time.
  • Talk to someone
    • Often, we tend to isolate while grieving, and most likely, there is someone out there who would love to talk to you. Think about that and text someone to invite them out for coffee, or lunch, or to come to your home. Then just talk about anything you want to.
  • Do something creative
    • Do something you like to do like bake a pie, paint a picture, take a class about an art activity you haven’t tried before, learn to crochet, or build a chicken coup. Have fun with whatever you choose.
  • Take a class
    • What have you always wanted to learn? Learn a new language. Learn how to volunteer in your community. Learn about a country you would like to travel to. Learn to dance. Learn to play chess.
  • Attend a grief group.
    • There are many kinds of grief groups like the traditional ones at Hospice, or Death Café, or groups for widows, or groups for child loss, or groups for different types of therapy. Do some research for what is available in your community or maybe your doctor has some suggestions.

The most important thing to remember is that however you feel right now will change. The more you allow yourself to change, to think differently, to notice how life is changing around you constantly, the more open you become to change, the more change you can experience. Let go of any resistance to change. Take a deep breath and open yourself to experiencing each day is better than the day before even if it is just a little bit.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Procrastination

by

Do you ever have a morning when it’s hard to get out of bed? You think about all the things you need to do and maybe feel a bit guilty about not getting started. Or maybe you were planning to fix dinner and didn’t get around to it, so another frozen dinner for you. Procrastination often can be overwhelming when you are grieving. You just may not want to do or think about anything, but procrastination does not serve you.

There are different types of procrastination, and they all play a part in bringing you down instead of dealing with your grief in a positive manner. However, when you recognize that you are procrastinating, you can start doing something about it, and you can discover how much better you can feel when it isn’t hanging over your head.

Procrastination can result in worrying. Perhaps you have lots of paperwork to do related to who or what you are grieving. This kind of task may be unfamiliar to you or just plain overwhelming. I can guarantee that the longer you put it off, the more all-encompassing the task will become.  To deal with this, try organizing what you need to do. Put at the top of your list the easier things that won’t take too much time, especially if you are familiar with what’s required. If there are tasks that you are unfamiliar with, get some help from someone you know and are comfortable with. This could be a trusted friend, your financial planner, or your bookkeeper. Legal Aid may be available where you live. You may even want to contact your attorney for legal issues. There is no shame in reaching out and it can bring you much peace of mind.

When you put off required tasks that have deadlines, you can bring on much stress that can make tasks even harder to deal with. Be gentle with yourself and make a plan to get things done ahead of time so that you aren’t putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Procrastination also occurs when you find yourself daydreaming instead of doing what you need to. Sometimes I could find myself sitting outside watching clouds go by while my dishes were stacked in the sink, my laundry wasn’t clean, my phone messages and emails weren’t responded to, and I had run out of groceries. While this may happen occasionally, it can easily become overwhelming and so much harder to deal with. Take some time to pay attention to what needs to be done and have a plan you will follow so thing won’t pile up. You will feel so much better when you aren’t overwhelmed by stuff.

Another trap you can fall into is perfectionism. If you are used to having your life in perfect order, when dealing with all the different issues that arrive during grief, things can easily fall out of order.  This can result in you getting frustrated with yourself or even depressed or angry. Just thinking of this can be upsetting, and that doesn’t help.

What you can do to deal with the common issue of procrastination is to practice good selfcare. First, notice when you are procrastinating. That is a huge step. When you notice, think about why you are putting things off. Then try writing an intention that you can repeat to yourself whenever you need to. Let your own words be your inspiration. You have more strength than you know.

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Excuses

by

When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Savoring

by

All of us experience being blindsided in some way, some more than others. Someone may call with bad news. You may trip on a crack in the sidewalk. Maybe your alarm didn’t go off, or you forgot about an important appointment.  When this happens, you may feel lousy and even shed some tears of frustration. However, there is a better way to handle these bumps in the road.

When you are struck by these unexpected detours, try switching directions. Do this by using your senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste, or smell.  Your kneejerk reaction to these detours can result in making the situation worse. You may lash out with an unkind comment. Or you may tighten the muscles in your body making you even more uncomfortable. Or you may get frustrated and just stop what you were trying to do. If these situations sound familiar to you, try this.

Think of experiencing something with one of your five senses that is related to what you are dealing with and focus on that. For instance, I fell and sprained my ankle badly. I was alone and couldn’t get myself up. I thought about when I was in labor and I sang the song I’ve Been Working on the Railroad over and over to help me do my Lamaze breathing, so I started singing that song out loud to help me think of something beyond the pain. It helped. I ended up giggling and was able to get into a more comfortable position where I could reach my phone and call for help. I ended up giggling the whole way.

When I forgot to take chocolate chip cookies out of the oven and they burned, I just tossed them in the trash and baked another batch, and I lit a S’Mores candle that made the burned odor smell like a campfire! There are so many ways you can use your senses to evoke pleasant memories and brighten your day. Remember this the next time a calamity threatens and just change your reaction to it.

Savor the good times!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Will You?

by

Will you?

August was Make a Will month. If you don’t already have a Will, this is a perfect time to make one. If you do have a Will, now is a good time to check it and see if it needs any updates. And be sure that who you have chosen as an executor knows where your Will is and how grateful you are for their kindness in giving you the peace of mind that comes with knowing your affairs will be taken care of.

While having a Will is essential, there is so much more to end of life planning. Looking ahead to all you would like to accomplish in your lifetime can help you plan and live your very best life. Waiting till the last minute and thinking, “Oh, I so wish I would have . . .”  can be disappointing, so I have a solution for you! Sherry Richert Belul has written a great new book, The Love List of a Lifetime, which comes out this November.

The Love List of a Lifetime includes everything that would be wonderful to have completed in your lifetime.  Just to show you how complete this book is, I am including the Table of contents:

The Love List of a Lifetime

Section 1: These Actions Are Your Legacy of Love

Love Will Guide the Way

Medical and Financial Must-Have Forms

It’s Time to Bring Others into Your Legacy Plan

Celebrate All of Your Hard Work

Section 2: Care and Comforts During Illness

We Just Keep Doing Our Best, No Matter What

Loving Yourself As You Navigate Illness

Preparing Comforts in Advance, Just in Case

Loving Others As You Navigate Illness

Setting Intentions Now for Who You Want to Be

Section 3: When I’m Gone: First Things First

This Is Where Your Hard Work Eases the Path

A Loving Note to Friends or Family Who Are Reading This After You’ve Passed

Taking Time to Plan Out These Three Things Will Make All the Difference for    Your Loved Ones

Celebrate These Loving Decisions

Section 4: Matters of Money, Household, and Your Family’s Future

You Are a Family Superhero for Tackling All of This

These Four Steps Will Offer a Sigh of Relief for You and Your Loved Ones

Section 5: The Art of Decluttering and Memory Keeping Before You’re Gone

I’m on This Journey, Too!

Memory Keeping

Decluttering to Lighten Your Life—and Make It Easy on Your Loved Ones

Celebrate All of Your Hard Work

Section 6: Life Lessons and Wisdom I’d Like to Pass On to My Loved Ones

You Have Already Left a Beautiful Footprint on This Planet

Sharing Your Life Story

Relishing Your Memories and Experiences Is a Gift

Celebrate Your Life

Section 7: True Legacy: Last Love Lists

The Love You Leave Behind

One of the Most Meaningful Practices You Can Do

Time for You to Celebrate Yourself!

Section 8: There’s Still Time

As Long as We Are Alive, We Can Connect, Grow, and Change

  1. There’s Still Time to Be Grateful and to Feel Fulfilled
  2. There’s Still Time for Deeper, More Loving Relationships
  3. There’s Still Time for Our Health and Well-Being
  4. There’s Still Time to Connect to the Great Sumpthin’ Sumpthin’
  5. There’s Still Time for Discovery and Adventure
  6. There’s Still Time to Tie Up Loose Ends
  7. There’s Still Time to Leave a Loving Legacy—in Each and Every Moment You Have
  8. There’s Still Time to Experience Countless Moments of Simple Joy

Celebration

Conclusion

Resource Directory

Going through this book together would be a great family activity or to do with a friend. Reading and considering the subject matter and answering the questions is a life affirming experience. I plan on getting several copies for Christmas presents because everyone should have a copy. I hope you do too!

You can pre-order your copies of The Love List of a Lifetime: YOUR ESSENTIAL END-OF-LIFE PLANNER with Practical Notes and Instructions for the Loved Ones You Leave Behind now at this link: https://a.co/d/8oIO8A0

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

What Do You See?

by

Grief affects our perspective. I have a beautiful view from the lanai at the back of my house. I looked across the island of Maui to the West Maui Mountains crowned by pure white clouds. I looked at the valley that bisects the island. I gazed at my glorious garden of tropical plants and bananas. Yet what I saw was the empty chair next to mine where my husband used to sit. Everything else felt abstract and superficial. That empty comfortable yard chair is where he spent so many hours communicating, helping others, reading, meditating, smoking a cigar, or gazing at me as I looked back with love. That chair brought me longing, loneliness, and change.

As time has gone by, I still imagine him sitting there, sharing wise words, bringing forth my smile and wonder. And I also reflect on the strength that I have grown into. When he first died, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I didn’t remember what my smile looked like. Gradually, I have come to see the woman I am becoming. As I have learned the importance of focusing on positivity, joy, gratitude, self-care, and self-love, I am happier now than I ever have been.

When I look at his chair now, I see memories of a beautiful relationship and deep love. When I look in the mirror now, I see peace, contentment, and love.

Henry David Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at, but what you see.”  And I say what you see is who you are becoming.

Who are you becoming?

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Emily Thiroux Threatt email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.