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The Great, Great Gift

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In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!

You Wish!

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Do you ever think about how you wish your life was different? How you wish you were more in control of your life? I used to do just that. I would add more junk mail to the pile that I know I’d get around to reading later. I would climb back into the bed because it wasn’t made anyway and it looked so inviting. I would eat one more serving of what I made for dinner because then I wouldn’t have to put it away. I would skip flossing my teeth because I could always do it tomorrow. Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you can fix it!

 

How would you like your life to be different? Make a list of what you would really like. Then look at that list one item at a time. Let’s say you always feel tired and never get enough sleep or you get too much. You have identified a problem you have, and you know your life would be ever so much better if you could solve it. So the answer is, develop a new habit. You may go to bed at irregular hours, or got to bed too early or too late. You may watch TV, play games on your phone, or read until late into the night. Then when you get up, you are tired, so you don’t make the bed, and later that open bed looks so inviting that you climb back in for a short nap that may not be so short.

 

When you decide you really want more energy, decide to start a new habit. Set a specific time you want to go to bed by every night then do it. No excuses. Do it without your tv, your phone, your light, or your book. Meditate and practice conscious breathing. Instead of counting sheep, count things you are grateful for, and go to sleep. This may see hard at first, but as you cultivate the habit, it will become easier every night. Then every morning as soon as you get up, let the first thing you do be to make your bed. You won’t want to mess up that neat bed by day sleeping, and that will make it easier for your to fall asleep at night. If you get tired in the day, find a peaceful place to sit up straight, close your eyes and meditate. When your meditation is finished, you will feel refreshed and ready to go on about your day.

 

When you have one new habit established, decide the next thing you want to tackle. Throw out your junk mail before you add it to a pile. Serve yourself a reasonable portion of food and put the rest away before you eat so you won’t be tempted to overeat. Floss your teeth every time you brush (it really doesn’t take that much time!)

 

What would make your life better? What would make you happier? What would make you feel more in control? Choose what new habits you can start to make things better and start them. Some habits have a bad reputation of not being good for you so you may avoid all habits, but you don’t have to. Good habits can bring you the peace you desire. They can help you keep your surroundings in order. And they can make you happy. Just imagine how good it will feel every day to start out with your bed made, your teeth clean, and your clutter in the trash. And think how good it will feel to identify what your challenges are and figure out what kind of a habit you can create to eliminate those challenges so that you don’t even have to think about them anymore.

 

So get started, now! What are you going to do to rock your world?

Thanksgrieving

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We all grieve. Everyone loses someone or something critical, and those losses come back to remind us of our grief on the holidays. We can choose to deep dive into that grief and be miserable, or we can choose to do something with those memories that can bring us joy.

I choose joy. While I cherished being with my loved ones for the holidays, now I find others to make the holidays special. On Thanksgiving, I invite people to join me who don’t have someplace to go. I get the pleasure of preparing a big Thanksgiving dinner with my son Jason’s help. He loves to cook the turkey. I fix mostly the menu my family always did. And to remember my loved ones who won’t be joining us, I fix something special for each of them.

Thanksgiving was Jacques’ very favorite holiday, so the turkey is special to remember him by. I always cook it in a Reynolds turkey cooking bag to keep it nice and juicy. Even though I’m vegetarian, I know my guests aren’t. My mother-in-law Fran was famous for her cornbread stuffing, so we have to have that! Mom always made what she called Waldorf salad that was just bananas, apples, walnuts, and mayonnaise. I make that for her, though I frequently the only one who eats it (and I love it!). I make sweet potatoes for me! I just wrap them in foil and put them in the oven with the turkey. And for dessert, Ron had to have apple pie. Of course, he wanted apple pie for every holiday, and any other day in between. And when Abby, my daughter, joins us, we have to have cherry pie.  I made it one year on Washington’s birthday, and she wants it for every holiday since them. If you don’t have a big dinner, have something special just for you, even it’s your mother’s jello salad or your own pumpkin pie.

The best part of the day is when everybody says what they are thankful for before we eat. Focusing on gratitude is what the holiday is all about. You can do this on your own, too.  On Thanksgiving Day, I like to do a whole journal entry on what I am grateful for. My list just keeps getting longer. Before I started creating gratitude lists, I found that I was finding ways to feel sorry for myself and being alone. Focusing on the negative didn’t help at all. So the more I wrote gratitude lists, the better I felt. Now every day I include thing I am grateful for in my journal every day.

At the end of the day, I can just feel my departed loved ones being grateful that I am remembering them with joy on Thanksgivin

Paradise Lost

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Growing up in central California, I heard of a town named Paradise, and I wanted to live there. I looked it up in the library and saw that it was a beautiful town with majestic trees. I loved the idea of getting out of the heat in the high desert where I lived and moving to an idyllic small town. This was a consistent fantasy of mine as I grew up. Now Paradise is gone.

In a moment, homes, businesses, vehicles, and people melted in the flames. Cherished personal possessions turned to ash. What once was most important lost significance to now when life, when living through the horror, is all that matters.

I moved from Ventura, California, three years ago to Maui, my paradise now. I watched from a distance last year as a huge fire raged through Ventura county. My friends were evacuated. The home where I lived when I was there was evacuated. Houses we had considered when we were looking for a new home there burned to the ground, along with homes of friends. Now another fire is barreling though Ventura and Malibu counties.

In an instant, thousands of people lose all their material possessions. All these fires make me reflect on what I would grab on the way to run from a fire, and I realize all I would grab is whoever is there with me in that moment. The stuff doesn’t matter. I would know that my loved ones know how much I love them. I realize that I am living my best life, and I am grateful for every moment.

What would you take? What is most important to you right now? Are you living your best life? If not, start night now. If you are, that’s the best news I’ve heard today! And I am grateful.

Are You Afraid of Dying?

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If you are afraid of dying, I encourage you to examine your feelings. I had the privilege with being with both of my husbands, my aunt, my mother-in-law, friends, and patients at the moment of their passing. In all of those cases, when it came right down to it, I sensed great peace. Well, except Jacques who looked very surprised and said “oh s###!” I think it came on him by surprise, and he never would have been ready.

I can honestly say I am not afraid.  I know this because I live in Hawaii, and in February I received a message on my phone which said, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREATT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” It came on a beautiful day. I was at home visiting with my friend Shena.  My son was in the back yard reading. The message came on our phones at the same moment. My first reaction was to call Jason in from the yard, and we turned on the television to see if there was any news. For 38 minutes, the three of us sat and considered the situation. There was no place to seek shelter, and we decided that if the islands were blown up, we wouldn’t want to live through it. So in an atmosphere of disbelief, we expressed our love to each other, said goodbye, and had a deep conversation while we waited. When the second message came 38 minutes later saying it was a false alarm, we just went on about our day.

The experience of receiving that alert caused me to examine how I actually felt, and I concluded that I felt fine. When the threat appeared real, my thoughts were that I have had an amazing life, I live in a wonderful place, I am filled with love from special friends and family, and I have no regrets. I don’t have a bucket list because if I want to do something, I do it or plan it instead of waiting to see if I may get around to it in the future. All of my affairs are in order so I am not leaving a mess for my loved ones to deal with, and that feels great.

There is an often quoted thought that the only two emotions in life are love and fear. In the case of fearing death, that can occur from not having your affairs in order. Be sure you have a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare where you designate what you want to happen in regard to your medical care. You can get a free form online that you can fill out. Do check what the requirements are in your state. In Hawaii they have a completely different form and it’s the only one they accept. And get your financial affairs in order and make sure someone knows what you want and where everything is. You can even plan your own funeral ahead of time, make the arrangements, and pay for it.  That way no one has to worry about it when the time comes.

The most important thing to do though is to express your love and gratitude to all your family and special friends. Let them have your love be what they remember you by. So the choice for me is easy between love and fear. I always choose love. And that is my wish for you

As Time Goes By

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This morning Michelle asked me if we ever stop grieving. I responded that we don’t, but it does soften into a beautiful part of our lives instead of a constant pain.

When each of my husbands died, I lost track of space and time, and I don’t remember how long that lasted. Gradually, time started creeping back in to perspective. I would have an appointment to go to or pressing business that had to be attended, so slowly I became aware of time. I began to remember what day of the week it was. As odd as that sounds to me now, I realize I was out of sync with the world around me.

At first, I would think to myself, he died four days ago, or last week, or twelve days ago. Then I realized I was counting in weeks. I remembered when my babies were little and their short lives we measured first in days, then weeks, then months, and eventually years. That’s how it goes after the death of a loved one, too. 

On September eighth of this year, I realized that I hadn’t thought about September 4 which would have been thirteen months since Ron left. At first I felt guilty at my failure to remember. After I beat myself up a little, I woke up and knew that I haven’t forgotten him, that I had just started expanding my life to think of something else too, and that was good.

My father died in 1989. Although that was almost thirty years ago, I still grieve him, but gently. Veteran’s Day, November 11, was always his favorite holiday as he fought in World War II and was very active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars. So every time I see someone with a VFW cap on or see a buddy poppy or hear that national anthem, I remember my Dad, how proud he was, and how proud I was of him. This is a softer kind of grief. When you can reflect on your loved one and smile, and instead of pain, you remember love.

The fresher your grief, the more your heart aches. And as time goes by, that ache will transform to a smile.