Judgement

Wired for Negativity

by

In Greg Hamer MD’s book The Mindful Teen, he says: “Our brains are wired in ways that tend to interfere with our ability to be more grateful—and happy. We are programed to have a negativity bias—we tend to remember the negative and forget or marginalize our positive experiences.” When I read that I remember thinking I wish someone would have told me that when I was a teenager.

I realize now that statement doesn’t just apply to teens. My parents rarely said anything to me about something I did or said that was positive, but if I brought home a low grade on a report card, I’d never hear the end of it. I always tried to do my best, but they rarely noticed. I noticed their reactions, and I constantly tried to do things that were positive to make them proud, but if they were, I would never know. I don’t hold this against them now because I realize that they were doing the best they could with what they had learned throughout their lives.

With my own children, I always tried to let them know how beautiful, bright, and loved they were and are still, telling them things I had wished I would have heard when I was growing up.  I do that too with the people I work with, encouraging them to practice self-love and self-care. We are fortunate that our brains may be rewired to focus on gratitude and happiness.  With a little effort and mindfulness we can train our brains to notice and remember the positive instead of the negative.

How does all this work for you? What do you focus on? How do you respond to people you care about?  Can you identify something in your brain you’d like to rewire? My negativity took me a long while to rewire, but with concentration and focus, I have bright, new shiny wiring in my brain I love to use to reflect my positivity and unconditional love and to support to others.

We are fortunate that our brains may be rewired to focus on gratitude and happiness.  With a little effort and mindfulness we can train our brains to notice and remember the positive instead of the negative.

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief and Happiness Handbook

Grief and Happiness Cards

Grief and Happiness weekly Free Gatherings

[email protected]

Dream Builder Life Coach

Life Master Consultant

Excuses

by

When anyone asks me what the most important thing to do while grieving is, I always respond “Self-care.” Generally, taking good care of ourselves while we are focused on the barrage of things that hit us during grief is the last thing we have on our minds. And if we do think of it, excuses on why not to pay attention to our personal needs often block our way. We turn to excuses like “I am too tired,” “I don’t have the energy,” or even “I just don’t care.” All these responses don’t serve us and just make the situation worse. The good news is by eliminating excuses for not doing what would help you feel better, you can start feeling better.

If you are saying “I’m too tired,” ask yourself if you really are tired. If you really are tired, take a nap or cuddle up in a cozy chair and read a good book. Grieving takes lots of energy, and resting may be just what you need.

If you are saying “I don’t have the energy,” ask yourself why you don’t have the energy. Ironically, the less you do, the more out of energy you can feel. When you feel your energy drain, try going for a walk, or doing some laundry, or clean out a drawer you’ve been meaning to.  Doing things like this may inspire you to do other things you might enjoy like picking some flowers, baking some cookies, or watching a movie you’ve wanted to see. Doing what you love to do can generate more energy.

If you are saying “I just don’t care,” pay attention to that. Caring for yourself is so important, and that’s something only you can do. What would you love to do that could help you shift your focus? If you really don’t care, you may be slipping into depression.  If that is the case, make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor. Help is available.

Pay attention to what you say. Excuses never serve you. If you find yourself trying to justify  what you are saying and what you aren’t doing, try restating your thoughts to take them in a more positive direction.

Eliminating excuses from your life can make room for more happiness. Enjoy!

 

Grief and Happiness Alliance

[email protected]

You can listen to my Grief and Happiness podcast here or anyplace you listen to podcasts.

Knot by Knot

by

“Knot by Knot I untie myself from the past.” Charles Wright, American Poet

Reading this quote, I reflected on all the knots that I have untied related to grief. Many of the knots were locked in the ropes tightly bound around my feet, my hands, my brain, and my heart. The metaphorical ropes tied to my feet held me in place, not being able to get up from my bed or chair making it impossible to step forward. The ties on my hands held me back from accomplishing even basic tasks, and they thwarted my creativity. The binding of my brain blocked my thoughts. The ropes that enclosed my heart felt the worst as I struggled to feel even basic emotions let alone love of any kind.

After what felt like forever, I started coming out of what appeared as perpetual numbness, I slowly started to feel the tightness of the knots, one by one, and knew I had to start breaking free from the suffocation. Not being a superhero, I found I could not just take a deep breath expanding my chest and break free from all the knots at once, then move forward as if nothing had happened. Instead, I had to become mindful and focus on each knot, one at a time, to sooth the pain they were causing.

Though the siren song of my bed was alluring, I focused on my feet. Not moving caused physical pain and I knew relief could come from getting up, so I did. Venturing outside to sit on my lani, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and watch the clouds drift by thawed my frozen muscles. The gentle breeze found its way into my lungs and refreshed my soul. As I untied the ropes from my feet, I also removed those ropes and discarded them so they would not have the power to trip me.

One by one I untied each knot. The process was not quick and was guided by where the most pain was occurring. As I released each knot, I thanked the binding for the lesson it gifted me. Being able to release my feet showed me that though I had stayed still for a while, I was perfectly capable of becoming unstuck from my lethargy.

Disentangling all the other interlacements, though challenging, released more freedom. Concentrating on moment by moment, I explored each heartache and started to map my way forward. Now far past my initial grief, I am liberated from all those knots. I worked my way through the complexities that all grieving people experience to some extent.

No matter where you are in your grieving process, know that eventually, knot by knot, you too can release each tie that binds. You will be so glad that you did.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Wellbeing

by

I once heard someone say that when you contribute to the wellbeing of others, you contribute to the wellbeing of yourself. As I reflected on that statement, I realized that I have always loved to help other people out without consideration of what the effects of that kindness had on me.

When I was in elementary school, I always was the first to volunteer to help new students to our school find their way around. Though I was shy around people I knew, I loved meeting new people and learning about their lives. I lived in a small town, so learning how things were different where my new friends had moved from was fascinating to me.

The summer before I entered junior high school, I traveled with my parents by car from California to Miami Beach, Florida for a convention my Father needed to attend. In the deep south I noticed that school playgrounds had students who were all the same color. And I noticed signs saying “White only” over drinking fountains, and on restaurant and rest room doors. When I asked my parents about this, they did not explain anything, but they did tell me to mind the signs.

With my parents’ unwillingness to explain why what I was noticing was happening, I became curious and started reading anything I could find to help me understand.  I received quite an education from all the reading about how people seemed to pay more attention to our differences than to our similarities.  I committed to be kind to people and to not judge them.

I’ve made it my mission to get along with people who others couldn’t. This has allowed me to have unique experiences and opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I had chosen to worry about what others thought of me. Count on me to stand up for people who need support and to do the jobs that others think are beneath them. This contributed to my wellbeing.

My lifework now is to tend to others who find themselves dealing with grief for so many different reasons. In our culture we are generally compassionate at the time someone is overwhelmed with great loss, but the further away we get from when that loss occurred, the less we think of the person dealing with it. After dealing with people forgetting me when I could really have used the support, I am now remembering those I can help.

Beyond being there, offering love and support, I encourage these friends to realize the importance that happiness plays in helping them to move forward in their quest to discover the joy that is available to them in each moment of the rest of their lives. I smile as I remember each of these people and wish them well on their journeys.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Change

by

The Greek philosopher Heraclitus, 540 B.C., is accredited with the quote “There is nothing permanent except change.” And the concept of a desire for change has been constant ever since, and probably before that too. When a U.S. presidential campaign occurs, it seems that once every four years the country focuses on changes the people see as essential at the time.

I remember when I was in high school, I wore a button on my jacket that said, “Make Love, Not War.” The friends I spent time with and I believed that if we all focused on ending war, that could happen. And look at the world now. That giant change we desired still hasn’t occurred.

When Obama won the election, his theme was, “CHANGE we can believe in.” That fostered so much hope. And positive changes were made, yet still not everyone believed in those changes.

I will never forget the discussion my husband Ron and I had when the winner was declared for the 2016 presidential election. He said for me to watch because that election was going to bring changes that time. At that point, I had no idea what that would mean. The changes that came at that time were the antithesis of the changes I longed for.

Now we are at the precipice of change yet again. There is so much on our ballots now beyond just the decision of who our next president will be. At this time, voting is essential for us to experience the change we desire.

Please vote to express the change you want to see.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is [email protected]

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

What’s Going On?

by

Last night a tornado warning came across our phones and tv telling us to find shelter. I was shocked. I hadn’t heard of tornados on Hawaii before, so I researched it and discovered that Hawaii ranks 48 out of 50 states in possibility of tornados. That’s pretty low odds, so I thought I was probably safe, but it sure made me think.

All over the world we are experiencing unprecedented happenings from the volcano eruption in Iceland, to the tornado swarm in the southeast area of the United States, to the wildfires on Maui, to the huge fires in many areas of the world, to the rising temperatures worldwide, to devastating wars, to protests and picket lines, and to political division.

That’s a lot.

I woke up this morning with Marvin Gay’s song “What’s Going On” running through my head.  Melody Russel wrote in American Songwriter “The song carries a profound meaning, delving into Gaye’s fervent social and environmental apprehensions…. It was a reflection, a mirror held up to a society in turmoil.… The masterwork captures the spirit of the early 1970s, highlighting a period marked by activism, civil unrest, and a passionate call for change.”

Over 50 years later, I still don’t see the answer to Marvin Gay’s question, “What’s going on.” I keep thinking that maybe we just are hearing lots more about what’s happening with the easy access to the internet we have now. While we can’t prevent most of the natural disasters, we can work together to care for each other and our world.

While we most often deal with the grief that comes from personal loss, we all are dealing with some form of a more universal loss. Just as we need to take care of ourselves as we deal with our personal loss, it’s critical that we recognize the collective grief of our friends, our community, our country, and our world. Consider how we can hold each other up and move forward with support and loving kindness.

We have learned that If we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. There is so much we can do to that is positive and supporting. I encourage you to think about the loss that is going on around you and choose some ways that you can make a difference, then do something. You could commit to voting, recycling, driving less, using water wisely, eliminating flammable materials from your property, or participating in community organizations. There is so much to choose from that can make a difference. Just chose something and start making a difference.

Our collective grief is softened by caring what happens to people and the planet. When we believe that our loving can change the world, it will. Let’s do this.

 

 

“What’s Going On” listen here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance website

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief website

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”