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My Ohana

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Ohana is the Hawaiian word for family, and it means so much more.  We refer to our Ohana as our chosen family, too. My son is my only blood family member who lives on Maui, but I am surrounded by chosen family members. Our feelings go deep. We truly support each other through life. My Ohana was there for me in Ron’s last weeks and after his transition. I felt so loved.

Shena came to Maui to live in the cottage on our property right after we got here.  Cottages like this in Hawaii are also called Ohanas because they are often used for extended family living together in a compound like atmosphere.  She has become my Ohana daughter and she calls me her Ohana Mama, a title I am delighted to have.  We celebrate holidays together and know we can always depend on each other for anything we need.

I have other neighbors who are Ohana, too. We are always bringing each other food, stopping by to visit, or meditating together. Whatever we grow in our gardens, we share, and we have developed an extended Ohana with people who visit weekly to share the bounty of our gardens and eggs from our chickens as well as yummy foods we make with that bounty like luscious homemade dill pickles.

Before the pandemic, we celebrated Friendsgiving being sure to include anyone we knew who didn’t have someone to share Thanksgiving with.  This was especially wonderful since Ron isn’t here to celebrate our favorite holiday with.  We are trying to figure out now something creative to do this year since we can’t have a big gathering.  We love and support each other in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for these wonderful people.

Do you have an Ohana, even if you call it something different, or maybe you haven’t recognized the group of people who are so special to you as a group?  I made a list and discovered I have quite a few!  I started with my Ohana, my traditional family, then added my Produce Share Family, my Intentions setting group, my book group, all the employees at the ambulance company I own, my Ventura friends, my faculty member friends at the University where I teach, and friends at Mango, the company who is publishing my book. And I could even list more!

Think of all the groups you belong to, formally or informally.  I imagine that once you start our list you will realize you have more support and Ohana than you ever thought you do.  If you don’t have a long list, what can you do to form a new Ohana of your own?  Share some love and support!

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

Refreshing Gratitude

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I was grieving when someone told me about the importance of gratitude. My reaction was, “Ya, right. What do I have to be thankful for since my husband died, and I am all alone?” I did think about it though.  Maybe there was something there?  I admit I had been pretty self-centered, feeling sorry for myself and my sorry life.  Yet the more I thought about it, I realized that attitude was not serving me.  I didn’t want to always live in the dark. I really did want to feel better.

I decided to figure out what I had to be grateful for. Initially, this was a difficult task.  I had no problem letting lots of negativity flow in. Since it was right there in front of me, I started looking at things I wasn’t grateful for, and there were lots. By looking at each thing that was bothering me, I realized that I had created many of them, like I was frustrated because friends weren’t calling me or asking me to do things. As I thought about that, I realized that my friends probably didn’t know what to do or say to me.

I was the first of everyone I knew to lose a spouse, so they didn’t have any experience dealing with that kind of loss. I decided to help them. When I wanted to go someplace, like to a lecture at the university or a concert, I would call someone who I thought would enjoy the same experience and ask for a ride.  My idea worked. I had just been sitting at home by myself, and then I started going out to places I enjoyed with friends I missed.

With the success of my first venture, I started figuring out what else I could do. I asked a few friends over to dinner, and it became something we decided to do together every month going to each other’s homes. And I signed up for a pottery class with a friend and a Native American Arts class with another friend. The more I reached out, the more positive experiences came my way.

Realizing how much I had to be grateful for, I got in the habit of starting my day by writing at least three things in my journal that I am grateful for.  I have continued that practice now for years. Occasionally, I may start feeling a little sad or lonely, so I will get out my journal and review things I am grateful for. My list is very long, and I always smile and feel better as I read parts of it.

When things start to seem all wrong in your world, switch that up by paying attention to what is right! Always be grateful for all the wonderful people, experiences, and things in your life. This attitude brings much joy!

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

How is Your Day?

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I woke up this morning feeling so good, and It made me think.  We all notice when we don’t feel good, and then we spend time and energy dealing with that. But I was thinking instead this morning of how wonderful it is to just feel good. I started looking at what was different in my life right now that is contributing to this elation.

Sunday my friend invited me to her house for dinner with a couple of other friends.  (We did social distance) After dinner, we played a card game named Uno Flip.  I had played Uno years ago, but I never played Flip.  We had so much fun that we all laughed for an hour.  I realized then that though I am happy, I hadn’t laughed that much in years.  My whole body felt good. Though that was 4 days go, I still feel great.  I am sure that was the start of this good feeling.

In addition to that, I have committed to going on a walk every day.  I have been listening to a book as I walk, but this morning, I decided to just enjoy the silence, the birds, and the breeze. I reflected as I walked on how much I love where I live.  I can see both sides of the island as I walk, and there is such a wide variety of tropical flowers that I took time to observe and enjoy.

I also have been writing every day. Although I am an author and I teach writing, I’ve been taking a couple of online writing classes to just explore ideas and writing techniques.  I am discovering more about me and am having some powerful inspiration which is fun to pursue. I even decided to teach a Zoom writing class on Saturdays to explore writing through grief. There is no charge and no pressure with this class. I’d love to have you join if you are interested.

I’ve also been gardening, cooking, reading, and painting, so much fun!  I hear people say they are so bored with the shutdown and restrictions because of the pandemic, but I haven’t felt that at all.  I fill my time with what I enjoy, and I never run out of things to do even if it is sitting in my comfy chair in my back yard, listening to all the birds sing, and sipping some refreshing iced water.

One of my favorite songs is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. As I walked by a picture of Ron and I today, I blew him a kiss and thought of this song. Look at a picture of your loved one, smile, and listen to this song. Lovely Day

I wish for you a lovely day.

 

Sign up for my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom Class here

Who Do You Listen To?

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After Ron died, I was drifting, not knowing what I was supposed to do next since I had spent so long tending to his needs and doing all I could to cherish the valuable moments we had left. Only after a close friend of ours died suddenly did I realize that I could help his wife, and in so doing, I helped myself start rising up from the fog I had been slogging through. Helping her helped me find ways to help others in grief. And the more I helped others, the easier I could breathe.

I have worked now for three years to find ways to support people through the private Facebook groups I  lead, the classes I teach on writing through grief, the interviews I do online, the social media I post all of which offer positive support, and the book I have written.  I am not saying this for praise. I do all this out of a commitment I have to help others. While I appreciate when people express gratitude to me, that doesn’t drive me. I feel my life’s work is to support those dealing with loss, something that is needed more every day with all that is going on in our country.

Lately, I have been having people on social media criticizing me for the work that I am doing saying that I should be ashamed of writing what I have online to shamelessly promote my book. I have to say that it has shocked me.  And it didn’t just happen once.  In what I post in my blog and on social media posts, I occasionally mention my book.  I do this so that people who would appreciate what I can say to help them. I read many books when Ron died.  I learned much from them, but what I was looking for was positive ways to deal with what I was experiencing, so that’s what I wrote.

When criticized for something I have been selflessly doing, it hit me hard, and I found myself questioning if I was doing the right thing. In questioning my actions, I realized how important it is for me to stay positive and do the right things for the right reasons. I don’t know why someone would choose to say what they said.  What I do know is that I am here to help. I am here to share my love with you. I am here to offer you support. I am here to brighten your day and your life. I am here for you, and I will continue to do all I can in a variety of ways to help you find each moment the best it can be at that moment.

Thank you so much for reading my words.

Loving Again

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I was married to Jacques for 22 years. We had so many things in common and many differences. We loved theatre and music. We loved deep, long conversations. We loved to laugh. We loved to travel. We loved to entertain. We had any amazing life together.

I came to Jacques with fragile self-esteem after a long relationship where I couldn’t seem to do anything right, I was an embarrassment, and I wasn’t smart enough. Jacques saw the real me. He told me I was beautiful. He was amazed at the many talents I had an would introduce me as a renaissance woman. He loved me deeply. With all this, it took me awhile to totally believe him.  But I did eventually and even was appointed as a commissioner to the Self Esteem Commission in our county. Working on the commission, I grew to recognize my strengths and grew strong while helping others.

Jacques and I worked on many theatre productions together and he sang in a quartet that I managed. He was a bioethicist, and we worked together to support people who were grieving. We had a wonderful life. His last two years were a physical struggle, so I donated my business to a non-profit organization and stayed home to take care of him.  When he died, I was crushed and had no idea how to go on.

After much self-care and dedication, I was ready to be open to new experiences. When I met Ron, I was amazed how much we had in common in spite of our differences. I surprised myself by starting to date him. As much as I liked him, I was conflicted because although the traditional marriage vows say “until death do you part,” I had a hard time letting go of the idea that I had committed to Jacques forever, and I didn’t feel unmarried. When Ron told me I was a renaissance women, I took that as a message from Jacques.

After Ron and I had been together happily for four years, I woke up on December 26, 2010 and realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. When Ron awoke, I told him about that date and said wouldn’t that we a great wedding date? He immediately said yes, and that he’d make all of the arrangements.  We put on an amazing wedding and reception, and we were married 6 years before he died.

I am grateful he was patient with me all those years before we married. And I am grateful that I was able to realize that there is so much love in my heart that I was able to share it with two wonderful men. Although you may think you will never love again, being open to possibilities can provide beautiful opportunities for you. I wish you love in every form.

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!