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Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

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When grieving, we all feel pain. We can recognize it and deal with it constructively, or we can melt into the deep abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. The good news is, you have choice in this matter. You can choose to survive and thrive.

Compare the loss of a loved one by death to the birth of a baby. In labor, the contractions start slowly, giving your body time to adjust. As the pains come more frequently, they are more intense. Finally when the pains are so close together and so strong, relief comes in pushing hard till the release of the baby sliding into the world.

Death is the opposite it birth, a similar process but reversed. The loss starts with incredible pain that’s deep and hard and seemingly eternal. Yet soon, you can take a breath. And in those breaths you find moments of peace. Grief alternates like those labor pains. The further away you get from the actual transition, the further apart are the waves of pain.

The key here is what you do in the in between, those times when you may feel empty or deeply sad. Sometimes it may feel like you are in a fog and things don’t feel quite real. Recognize these times as a place to heal. But how can you do that?

Journaling through this journey helped me more than anything else. If you feel that you are suffering, write about that. What does your suffering look like? If suffering was a person, what would you say to him/her? Tell it how you feel. Ask it what it wants from you? When you tire of the conversation, you can tell it that you no longer want to visit with them and politely say goodbye. Although suffering may still come to your door on occasion, you have the strength to not open it.

You can do this exercise in your journal with any feeling that comes up. You may feel anger, rage, depression. Or any other emotion. When you recognize that an emotion is directing your thoughts and actions, get out your journal and work on it in writing. And if the emotion try’s to visit you again, just say to it, “Sorry I can’t deal with you right now. I have plans to spend time with love and joy instead.”

Even when you feel weak and out of control, remember that ultimately, you are in charge of your life. Make the conscious choice to take the best care or yourself, to live your very best life. Ron told me once when I had said “I’m sorry” too many times in one day, “Do you think I want to be with a sorry woman?” That caused me to pay attention to what I was doing. What you speak is who you are. So when suffering comes to visit and you turn it away, in your journal, write a list of who you are. Start each item if you list with “I am.” I am strong. I am beautiful. I am joyful. I am hope. I am love. I am sure you can list many more things about the perfect person you really are.

You can rise up from that mire of suffering. You can live that beautiful inspiring like you long for. Take good care of your precious self.

I am always here for you.

 

How Long Does Grief Last?

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Grief has no finish line. No measuring tapes are involved. Grief is as individual as breathing.

Early grief is all encompassing. We sometimes feel we are drowning in grief. Every breath is a struggle. Sleep is our reprieve.

Then miraculously and often unnoticed, each breath is a little easier. We can’t anticipate when this will happen. Yet it does. Our body starts to crave easy air, and we breathe a little deeper.

Our stoic expression feels like it will crack if we speak or try to smile, then one day a friend says the sweetest thing, and our lips turn up slightly, and we realize that feels good.

Our heads have been feeling filled with dark clouds heavy with the rain of tears. Slowly the clouds lighten and then a golden ray of sun peaks through.

As this all progresses, we are not likely to notice, then one day we realize our breathing is easy and we haven’t been noticing the air entering and leaving our bodies.

We stretch, energizing our muscles, feeling the tingling in our hands and feet, knowing we are ready to move.

As we walk outside, we discover that the trees still sway, the flowers still bloom, the birds still sing. Our absence hasn’t been noticed by the world around us.

Our strength begins to return. We realize a desire to experience beauty, conversation, food, movement.

At times our tears break through and we experience great longing, yet those times become further apart.

We reflect on the detailed memories we have of times well spent with our loved ones, of love expressed, of comfort felt.

We slip into our new normal, whatever that is, not forgetting our loved one, cherishing our memories, and discovering the peace and joy in the rest of the moments of our lives.

Grief is never over, just assimilated into our lives granting us the richness that comes from experiencing the depths of our love.

 

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Anticipatory Grief: The In Between

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Everything seems to be up in the air. Each morning when I wake up, I question what will happen now.  Questions fill my thoughts about all the people getting sick and maybe dying in the pandemic, people demonstrating because of people dying at the hands of the law enforcement who is supposed to protect us, and people dying who do not have access to adequate medical care because of the pandemic. And on top of that, the people I know who are dying right now are because of cancer. In all these instances, we as a culture right now are dealing with Anticipatory Grief. What does that mean, and what can we do?

Anticipatory grief comes before a death or a great loss. When you discover that someone you love has been given a terminal diagnosis, that anticipatory grief starts right then. Anticipatory grief can also occur when you just think of something that may happen. My dear Black friend who has four sons has bouts of anticipatory grief when she just hears about George Floyd or Elijah McClain or Rayshard Brooks, or way too many more Black men killed by police. Or it may happen when you look in your elderly mother’s eyes and you wonder how much longer she will be with you.

When you deal with anticipatory grief, you are likely to have a constantly shifting range of feelings which keep you off balance so that you never quite know what is actually happening. Before Ron died, he lost 37 pounds in one week and became very weak, yet when I looked at him, I saw the handsome strong man I had always loved.  I was shocked later when I saw a picture of him taken at that time which showed a weak, emaciated man, not my Ron. We tend to see what our hearts want to see. I dealt with my anticipatory grief by staying so busy with his care that I didn’t allow myself to think that soon I would no longer have those tasks to keep me busy. I vacillated between holding on and letting go.

One thing that is certain is that more grief will enter your life. The experience you are having now may help you prepare for it, or it may have the opposite effect of terrifying you at the thought of having that experience again. Recognizing when grief may be coming can allow you to start deal with it before the situation is acute. The most important two things to deal with at this time are spending the best quality time possible with your loved one and take the best possible care of you.

Ron and I did very well by always focusing on the present moment. We would talk or meditate or just sit together.  He was given a book for his birthday a month before he died. He really wanted to read it, but his eyes just didn’t work very well, so I read the whole book to him. That time together was so precious. Take time to say everything you want to say, ask everything you want to know, forgive anything that is left hanging, and be sure you know your loved one’s wishes about everything important.

Take very good care of your physical and emotional health. Seek out others in similar situations and hear their stories. Often, we think we are the only one to experience something like this and that no one understands how we feel, yet that’s not the truth. Your experience is unique to you, but there are lots of people out there with similar experiences you can learn from. Join Facebook Groups or Death Cafes or support groups. Read good books or blogs. Be sure to bathe. I remember one time Ron insisted that I take a shower. I was shocked at the moment, then realized that I really did need to. That I needed to pay attention to me. I also would forget to eat, and I had two bad falls that slowed me down because I was just moving too fast. Take a deep, hard look at yourself and discover what is most important to you and focus on that.

You also can help others whom you see entering this territory. Just letting someone know that they have your support and that you are looking out for them can give them so much comfort.

Together we form a family of love, care, and support for each other. In these shifting times, let us focus together on how we ca help more, give more, learn more, and love more. I love you, my friend.

Practice Joy!

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I can hear you now. “I am grieving. There’s no joy in my life.” I can understand you feeling that way, but that’s not how you have to feel.

Right now, our country, and actually the world, is consumed with fear, despair, disease, and confusion. Where is the joy there?  We seem to have hit bottom, but let’s not stay there. The more we surround ourselves with the bad news, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the good news is, you are in control of what you focus on.

Today, right now, let’s focus on what is good in your life. Give your attention to that, and only to that all day. No news on tv. No newspapers. No negative conversations.  This is easier than you think. Turn on some great music that makes you feel good instead of the tv. Smile at anyone who starts a negative conversation and say, “How about we talk about something that makes you happy today?”

Now that you have eliminated negative distractions, let’s find some joy for you. Years ago, I found myself negative much of the time. That is where all my focus seemed to be, and it was pretty miserable. I consciously decided that I didn’t want to live that way. How freeing that was! You can do this too!

Try starting by doing a peaceful meditation. As you meditate, when you breathe in silently say love, and when you breathe out, silently say joy. Do this the full time of your meditation. When you finish, take a nice deep breath, smile, and open your eyes. Keep that smile throughout the day.

Now get out your journal or something to write on. Set your timer for ten minutes and start writing everything in your life that has brought you joy. Don’t stop to think about it, just write. Write anything and everything that comes to you. Don’t worry about spelling. Keep writing without pausing to think. Here’s the start of my list as an idea:

“When Ron first kissed me, when I bought my first home, my children, my house I love now on Maui, living on Maui, the dog I had as a child “Taffy,” my friends, tamale pie, the birds that sing in my yard, sunsets, toddlers laughing, puppies, walking on the beach, marrying Jacques, marrying Ron, writing each of my books, teaching others to write, my setting intentions group, Soul Sisters, Jazz, baroque music, Stephen Colbert, reading, writing . . . .”  I could go on for pages!

You may find when the timer goes off you want to write more because it feels so good to focus on all these wonderful things!  Keep writing for as long as you want to. And if you only write a couple of things, focus on them. Whenever I would start to feel down or distracted, I got out my list and read it, usually adding more things as I thought about them. Now, every day when I write in my journal, I write something that brought me joy that day.

As you focus on what is positive, as you only allow true, loving words in your presence, your joy will build and build. You can breathe easier. Everything will seem brighter, more beautiful. You discover yourself releasing negative feelings and memories and using you time to focus on what is already a kind and loving life.

Welcome to joy!

 

For a sneak peek at my book, click here!

Growing From Your Loss

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When someone you love dies, everything changes. Initially you have deep yearning for things to go to how they were when you both were healthy and living the life you dreamed of. Now you know that not possible, and you may be struggling to know what to do now. That happened for me. I set my intention to be inspired with what my next steps were supposed to be. 

My inspiration didn’t come all at once. Instead I moved forward one step at a time. I always loved writing, so that was my natural place to start. I wrote in my journal today. I didn’t worry about thinking of something to write about. I made lots of things that brought joy to my life in spite of my sorrow, and there was lots to write about. I still write things that bring me joy every day.  

I also write gratitude lists which also have never ending inspiration. People grieving can easily fall into the hole of negativity, of poor me. When you focus on joy and gratitude, that leaves less space for sorrow. And I do still write my gratitude lists everyday.

At the times I really wanted to talk to Ron, to have his guidance or his opinion about something, I wrote him a letter. I would pour my heart out just like I was talking to him. Those letters could get long! When I finished, I often wrote a letter from him back to me. I choose to think he’s inspiring my words, but even if this words come from deep in my heart or from the resources of the deep knowledge in my mind, I do find answers and inspiration in these letters. 

When Ron’s good friend Chappy died, I started writing his wife every week for the first year, a process that helped both of us.  And these letters inspired the book I wrote, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is being published by Mango Press. 

The growth through loss that I am experiencing is through writing. You growth can come through what you most love. The key is to focus on what is positive, what brings joy to your life. There’s no need to rush here, Baby steps can lead your way.  What do you love? What brings you joy? Do everything related to that.

Say you loved to cook, but you stopped when you just had you to cook for. That can be changed to I deserve beautiful healthy foods to nourish me, then find recipes for one, or create them. Save each new recipe you try to use again, and maybe that will even lead to a cookbook. I might just create one I can just print from my computer and share with my friends when they start cooking for one.

Maybe your refuge is your garden or your art or craft supplies. See how this ca inspire you. Any of these can keep you busy. Or maybe it’s time to change jobs, or take classes, or join an organization that interests you. A friend sent me a card long ago that said Bloom Where You’re Planted.  Take care of yourself now. Learn, grow, bloom!

 

For a sneak peak of my new book, click here!

A Pressure Cooker Can Explode

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I remember looking forward to 2020, knowing that the future was bright and amazing things were going to happen.  What a surprise that those amazing things were not the positive changes I was anticipating.  Our world and our lives seem to have been turned upside down as well as shaken around. Add with our personal loss on top of that, and we are cruising toward personal disaster – if we allow that.  The key here is to recognize what is happening and know that we don’t have to sink into it all.

As I write this, I am outside surrounded by singing birds, blue skies, green grass, trees, and flowers.  I am sipping a luscious cup of tea and contemplating what is most important to me right now. My joy at this moment is that my sister, who has been in the hospital all week, had a procedure this morning that shocked her heart back into rhythm, she can breathe easily, and she can go home from the hospital today.  I am so thrilled with this news, and it helped me put things into perspective.

On a larger scale, we are still dealing with the pandemic.  And in the process of this, we are witnessing an outpouring of love and creativity to deal with all the facets of the crisis. Health care workers are being noticed, loved, appreciated, and respected on a grand scale, while in the past, they frequently were not noticed.  Parents are learning the value of our teachers and schools through practical experience with their children. People are volunteering and donating on a gigantic scale. We are working together to discover new ways to feed people. And we are discovering the importance and value of all kinds of work in society that we had, as a whole, generally ignored in the past.

And now we are dealing with the aftermath of the tragic death of George Floyd. Our nation is waking up to the fact that as we think we have come a long way from slavery times, we have not.  This death, especially at the hands of law enforcement who are supposed to be there to serve and protect, is a lynching none the same. This despicable act has served to awaken the people.  The demonstrations are no longer monochromatic.  People from all walks of life are standing side by side asking for justice for all and an end to senseless violence. The vast majority of the protesters are peaceful and coming together to wake us all up. And while some looting and violence is happening, this is just evidence of extreme frustration.

A pressure cooker works by expelling air and trapping steam to cook the contents quickly at higher temperatures, and if that steam is not released, the pressure cooker will explode. Through 2020, our country has become a pressure cooker where the temperature has become so high and the steam so full that if we can’t find a way to slowly release that steam safely, we are risking an explosion of a size we have not imagined before.

My prayer is for us to band together to demonstrate love, service, and support. Know that every one of us breathes the same air to stay alive. Let’s not pollute that air with violence and hate. Take care of yourself during this challenging time.  With each breath you take, breath in love, and breathe out all that doesn’t serve you. When every one of us focuses on love, we can make a difference. We can make the change so needed today to make 2020 be remembered as the year we all woke up and made the world a better place.

 

 

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