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Simple Things

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Our lives are full of things, some tangible and easily seen; others intangible and not easy to define. When a loved one dies, many tangible memories are simply left behind and may gradually lose their significance. When the time came to move, I kept that in mind so as not to release what we treasure.

I’ve always been a collector of things, so when we left our home on the mainland to move to Maui, it was a challenge to choose what to pack into the shipping container. Some things were easy to release, like duplicate kitchen utensils. My kitchen was my creative space, so I carefully examined each item I picked up. My husband’s grandmother’s biscuit cutter had to stay with us while my shiny new one went to the garage sale.

I loved my giant, heavy dining room table and chairs, but they were too big for our new home, so I was able to easily release them to the new owners of the home we were moving out of. Now I can imagine that table surrounded by new families and friends for their celebrations.

The harder things to deal with were connected to memories and people. We lived a mile from the beach and loved picking up the heart shaped rocks we would find there and bringing them home to scatter in the yard surrounding our home. Leaving those loving memories there was hard, but it was the right thing to do.

When we arrived on Maui, we discovered we still had way too many things. We both loved art, and my husband had several large paintings that didn’t really suit our house. After Ron died, I gifted them to a friend who loved them and had a perfect place to hang them.

I have become adept at releasing things, which leaves so much new space in my life. As I glance around my house, I see stained glass windows my dear friend created, and the collection of Native American flutes and African drums as well as singing bowls we loved to play. There are so many wonderful memories there. Pictures of my family and my own paintings and drawings adorn my home. I never feel lonely at home as I have learned to treasure favorite things and to release that which no longer serves a purpose.

I encourage you to do this too!

 

 

 

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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Paradise Lost and Found

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We were warned that high winds would affect our Hawaiian islands as Hurricane Dora passed to the south. Living on Maui, strong Trade Winds are a common experience. Most of us keep extra water and food on hand in case of inclement weather, yet naively, most of us think we personally won’t be directly affected by disasters.

In the darkness of early morning, I was awakened by the acrid scent of smoke. Though the odor was pungent, I wasn’t anticipating fire. As I lay awake, my thoughts wandered, remembering how recently a young woman I was working with had been killed in a fire. I decided I was just being morbid, and something like that would never happen to me. Then the smoke intensified, and I got out of bed. That was the start of two days of terror.

Transfixed by the news, I found myself searching the internet and television for explanations of what was happening. Learning that strong winds were carrying away the fire that started within a couple of miles from me, relief was only temporary as I realized that friends of mine were potentially in its path. What we call the “coconut wireless” rushed into action. Phone calls, texts, and emails between friends and acquaintances abounded, all starting with “Are you OK?”

We learned the close fire was not the only one.  There we at least two more fires. And everyone was touched by the terror flowing through our beautiful paradise. By the evening, we were glued to the television, watching the continuing live coverage. Learning that the fire in Lahaina, which had been declared contained, rebounded and was in the process of obliterating the historical center of Hawai’i.

I finally fell asleep at about 2 AM,  and at 4:30 AM, the messages and texts started pouring in. All were wanting to know, “Are you OK?” I could only answer from my limited perspective of what I had heard or seen so far. When looking out my window into the dark, I knew I was OK, whatever that meant. With approximately 145,000 people living on the island, I could only speak for myself, and while I was traumatized and confused, I had no idea how everyone else felt.

With daylight came news and pictures of the destruction, things no one ever wants to see or hear. People fled into the ocean to escape the flames. Our majestic Banyan tree blackened. The whole town of Lahaina flattened. Hundreds of homes were destroyed. Missing loved ones and pets. And the question changed from “Are you OK,” to “What can I do?” The answer is, please do something.

I have discovered so much Aloha, Hawaiian for love. Now I see the love and strength of the Ohana (family) of Maui residents coming together however we can help and support everyone

affected by these tragic fires. While we seemed to be losing this tropical paradise, we find it is still here in our treasured Ohana. The fires are still burning. We still need your help and will continue to need help as we recover. And we will welcome you back with Aloha when we recover from this devastation.

Mahalo for your generosity.

 

Please see the ideas listed below.

Please donate to any of these sources:

 Fundraiser for Maui Food Bank Inc by Emily Thiroux Threatt   The donations here all provide food directly to those who have lost everything.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/1086101339024980/

The Hawaiʻi Community Foundation started a Maui Strong Fund to support residents affected by the wildfires, which firefighting crews continue to battle in Lahaina, Pulehu/Kīhei and Upcountry areas. Donations can be made at www.hawaiicommunityfoundation.org/maui-strong.

Maui Collective Contributors

Maui United Way is accepting donations to its Maui Fire and Disaster Relief fund at https://mauiunitedway.org/disasterrelief.

Embracing Compass Maui & Big Island

Our hearts are with our Maui and the Big Island communities right now facing the devastating wildfires. To help, members of our Compass family are coming together in support of those impacted — many of whom are Compass agents, employees and families of our community. Thank you for considering a donation that directly supports our Compass Hawaii team.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/embracing-compass-maui-big-island?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_content=undefined&utm_medium=social&utm_source=instagram_feed&utm_term=undefined

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Sit With It

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Sometimes we all get to a point that stops us. Maybe it’s hard to concentrate or remember what you wanted to. Maybe you have a feeling of emptiness or grief. Maybe you don’t have any idea why you are feeling what you are feeling. You just know that life in general is not working for you in this moment.

That feeling will vary in expression from weariness, to tears, to blankness, to just not know what to do about anything. Does this sound familiar? Know that you are not alone.  As much as you may feel that everything seems to be just fine, still this way of feeling hits you without warning. What do you do when it hits?

First, cancel your plans and find a comfortable place to be alone. This may be outside in your yard, on a park bench, or just sitting in your parked car. Find a place where you won’t be disturbed, the phone can’t ring, the computer is closed, and the doorbell can’t ring.  This is a special time just for you, to take care of you.

You may want to bring with you a nice glass of ice water. You may want to play some soft music without words or you may want to just listen to the birds or some running water nearby. You will want to be dressed comfortably. You may want to take your shoes off.

Now just be with yourself. There’s no need for a prescribed activity. Just sit or recline. A hammock is a wonderful place for this. Try focusing on your breathing. Take a slow breath in and a slower breath out. Choose just one word to focus on like comfort or support, or whatever you would love to experience right now. Choose just that one word and say it as you breath in and as you breath out.

Feel the warmth of the sun or the gentle breeze, or the cool air from the fan. Know this is your time with no obligations, no worries, just gentle, quiet time just for you. When a worry or sorrow tries to enter your space, gently acknowledge it and tell it you are not open to hear it right now. Go back to your breathing, and that one word you chose.

You may find yourself drifting into a nap. That’s OK. Don’t fight it. Relax your mind and relax each part of your body. Let all tension melt away. Stay in this space as long as you want to. When you are ready, take a few deep breaths and some long, lazy stretches. Become fully awake. You may want to write in your journal or take a walk. The key is to follow your intuition and do what it guides you to.

Most of us think taking time like this is a luxury we don’t have time for. Know that instead this a necessity to make time for. You are the number one person to take care of you. Do this whenever you realize that it is time to just sit with yourself to recover and recoup.

You are worth taking good care of yourself. Please do—

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Carrying the Weight

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“Grief doesn’t get lighter. You just get used to carrying the weight”

Virgin River

 

When I heard this quote, I thought that it says much. I remember the many times in my life when I was going to start a new project that it would seem overwhelming.  When I was inspired to write my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, initially the project seemed so huge and intimidating, yet I knew that in my heart I was committed to writing something that would help others. So, I started.

I had a list of Chapter titles that included what I wanted to say in each chapter, but I started with the introduction.  In hindsight, writing the Introduction much later would probably have been easier. I wrote the introduction, then I wrote it again, then I revised that.  I had someone else read it, and I wrote it again. The more I wrote, the more that voice in my head was trying to talk me out of writing the book at all.  When I realized this, I sat the Introduction aside and started writing the chapters.

The process of writing that introduction made the work of writing feel heavier with every word. When I started writing the chapters, I discovered I was warmed up and ready to go.  Just as runners take time to stretch before they start to race, I had been warming up my writing skills. And the more I wrote, the easier it got.  I formed a routine of researching what the chapter was about to see what others had already written. Then I would do some brainstorming to discover the main points of the chapter would be. When I was ready, I wrote the chapter in one sitting. Then I set it aside for a couple of days before I read when I had written with fresh eyes.

After I wrote all the chapters, I read the whole book, then read the original introduction again. I was amazed at all the changes I made in the introduction. I was so glad I hadn’t stopped working on the introduction because what I wrote for the introduction after I read the whole book was so much better.

What does all this have to do with grief?  Some describe early grief as feeling a heavy weight on your chest making breathing difficult. Your body may feel heavy as you try to get out of bed or up from a chair. Your feet and legs feel heavy when you try to walk.  Nothing feels normal. This heaviness is common in early grief. Many people find themselves not eating much to avoid more heaviness. Recognizing this is happening is a good start. And as you move forward, probably more slowly than you would like to, the heaviness you are carrying starts to lighten.

You still miss your loved one, and you always will.  You are not trying to forget your loved one or to get over your, loss, but each day, everything lightens a little. There will come a time when you tend not to remember that early heaviness, and you realize how much better you are feeling.

If you are carrying a heavy load of grief right now, what can you do to lighten up? Getting out in nature, taking a walk, spending time with someone you love. All these things and more will help melt that weight away. You have come so far, and you realize now that you are carrying the love of your loved one instead of the weight of your loss, and you feel so much better!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Are You Running?

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As Kelly Grote was in the process of dying, she wrote “Are you running towards life or running away from death?” This quote gave me pause as I considered her question.  I realized that I am not running at all. This thought was comforting to me.

When my husband Jacques suffered from so many different issues and hospitalizations while he dealt with congestive heart failure, two open heart surgeries, renal failure, and dialysis, I see now that he was always running away from death.  Jacques was raised in the Catholic church and was very active in church as an adult until he started to question his faith as he studied philosophy when he was working on his Master’s degree.  He came to realize that the more he learned, the less he could support the tenets of his church. He left the church before I met him. He was comfortable with the idea that there wasn’t a higher power.  While that brought him comfort at the time, it also led him to denial of the fact that he was dying.  I see now that he endured so many hospitalizations and treatments in the hope that he would get well and not die. As a brilliant man, I am sure he knew this wasn’t true, but it did give him hope that he would get well and live longer. He was running away from death which led to anxiety and unhappiness.

Everything was different with my husband Ron. His belief was centered in his relationship with God and the belief that he was whole, complete, and perfect no matter what was happening to his body.  Since he died from congestive heart failure and renal failure just has Jacques did, he accepted what was happening to him as experiences he was having while he was alive.  When he was frequently in the hospital, he made friends with everyone who came into the room from nurses to housekeepers.  He was always listening to them and helping them when he could. I remember a prolonged conversation he had with a hospitalist, a doctor who just worked with patients admitted to the hospital. This doctor was so stressed from the expectations of his employer and the terrible hours he had to work that he was on the brink of walking away from his profession. Ron listened to him and reflected to him what he was saying. By the time the conversation ended, the doctor had an awakening, he was smiling, he thanked Ron, and left the room with a new, clear perspective. Ron was moving toward making the best of each moment remaining in his life.

While all of us will die at some point, we can make our lives miserable or make them the best they can be, or somewhere in between, on our way.  While I am not running either direction, I am focusing on the awareness that my life is what I make it.  I love what I am doing now. I am helping people, I am teaching, I am writing, and I am living my best life. This way of life came to me gradually months after Ron’s death after I had spent much time writing in my journal examining where I was and where I wanted to be. All this writing helped me much as I decided that every day, I would lead life the life I desired. The best part now is that after much writing, meditating, and examining, I am clearly focused and am now happier than I ever have been.

Are you running through your life? If you are, learn from my experience that you can slow down and decide to live your best life now.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Comparison of Grief

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I wrote an Instagram post this week that said, “I have heard that the death of a spouse is the number one stressor in life.”  I realize now that I inspired anger and comparison, and that was not my intention for making this statement.  Each experience of grief is unique and any comparison in grief can be damaging. Every experience of grief I have had in my lifetime has been different.  I can’t compare the loss of my husbands, or father, or mother, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or good friends, or my unborn baby. My love for each of these people was great and incomparable to any other relationship I have had.

Theodore Roosevelt was credited for saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  That makes sense to me.  Every one of us experiences grief in our own way for each experience of grief we have.  What is important here is to individually focus on that. It really doesn’t matter how many people attend a celebration of life, or how many months anyone was unable to continue their normal activities, or any other comparisons.

What does matter is that we each take good care of ourselves as we experience grief, and that we also provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to those people we care about who are experiencing grief. Do that in any way, and don’t worry about how much or how little anyone else has done.

I love the author, Byron Katie. She says: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” She has developed something she calls The Work that I use when I find I need some support in how to handle things. In The Work, she encourages you to ask yourself four questions to help you discover if what you are thinking is what you need to pay attention to. When you find things that you are focusing on do not support you or help you feel better, all you need to do is ask yourself her questions.  This is a link to her questions and guidance how to use them: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/

If you find yourself saying something that could be a judgement of how someone else is grieving, use the work and see what happens.  Her first question is “Is it true?” Often, that’s all I need to say to myself. Then I will release what I was thinking. I’ll feel lighter. Smile, and move forward.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.