Loss

Be Willing

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I spend time online each day with the social media I do to help people deal with grief, and lately I keep hearing the same theme.  People say that things will never be the same, that they have lost so much, and they feel lost. I’ve had times that I have felt that way too. I get sentimental about not having someone to hold hands with, to talk to intimately, to kiss, to laugh with, to share my bed. When I would start feeling this way, I would write or meditate, or just sit and think about how wonderful those experiences were.

I know I won’t have those exact experience again. No one does. Each moment in our lives is different.  When I remind myself of that, I start thinking about how each day is a new day, an opportunity to start to do different things or do things differently.  As I reflect on my life I am amazed at the experiences, the opportunities I’ve had.  I think about all the miraculous adventures, the breathtaking art, the first smiles of a baby.

When we can start to shift gear, to focus on what makes us happy instead of what makes us sad, or made us sad in the past, then we can start lifting our heads, looking forward, becoming aware.  That awareness allows us to take slow deep breaths again and feel how wonderful that fresh air feels.

I invite you find someplace beautiful and quiet to sit imagining your loved one sitting next to you. Enjoy that feeling knowing that in that moment there is no physical pain, no suffering. All that is gone now, and you can just relish the closeness. Then tell your loved one about something new you are doing that feels good. It could be finding new things to cook for yourself, planting seeds in your garden for spring flowers, walking in a forest or on a beach. It could be reading a great book or enjoying a movie or enjoying a conversation with a friend. As you are sharing all this, start to realize that you are relaxing as you speak. Tension flows away. You can feel all that love which remains.

At this moment you realize that your loved one is smiling, delighted that you can smile, you can appreciate all that is good and beautiful. I can imagine the relief my loved one would feel knowing that I wasn’t trapped in an unrelenting sorrow, that I am taking one step at a time to move forward, never discarding all the love I will always have for each of my loved ones who is no longer physically with me. Just by being willing, being open, we all can allow ourselves to celebrate the wonder and awe that awaits our awareness.

Be willing—

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Stumbling Through Grief

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How would you describe the path for your grief?  Does it seem like there should be a map or a guidebook or a plan that says “First you do this. Then that. Then you go through something else. And after a while it’s done.” When you look at it like that, it sounds silly.  And the one thing grief is not for sure is silly.

There are no classes we can take or books that we can read or lectures we can listen to that will have us completely prepared for the grief we face. And grieving for one loved one is not going to be the same as grieving for the next loved one to die. Trust me. I know.  I have grieved and am grieving for way too many people. But we do need to accept that grieving is a part of life, something we can’t get out of.  We may try to ignore it, but that doesn’t work so well.

Take a moment to think about how you were affected by grief for the first person you really loved died. For me it was my grandmother. When I was growing up, I spent much time staying with my grandmother as my parents frequently traveled for commitments to an organization, they were both devoted to. I’ve got to admit that I was a bit jealous of that organization because I wanted them to pay that attention to me, but they didn’t seem to have time. And I realize I reflected that I resented my grandmother, not for anything she did, but simply because she wasn’t them.

My grandmother lived alone.  We had just moved into a house where my mother didn’t want to live, and we were struggling.  I had a nightmare one night about my grandmother, and I tried to convince my mom to call grandma to be sure she was OK.  For two days I asked her. Then mom finally went to check on her two days later.  We were told that she had probably died a couple of days before, alone. I was so distraught. That haunted me for years.  I kept thinking I should have done something. I made up scenarios of what could have happened so that she wouldn’t have to die.

I was an adult before I realized that I couldn’t have done something at my age, but I carried that experience for many years, worrying about anyone I thought might die.  Early experiences can color our view of death and dying and mourning. Then AIDS happened, and since I was so involved in the arts, I actually lost count of how many people I loved or admired that disappeared from my life. And working as an ambulance attendant and a nurse, people just kept dying.

I realize now that I handled each death in my life experience differently, and I think we all do. And I carried forward what I learned from these experiences. Sometimes I was heartbroken, and other times I was frustrated or empty. At times I felt sad or felt I did something wrong or not as kind as it should have been, but I learned from those instances, and I did better the next time. I’ve stumbled through the process of letting people go, not willingly losing them. And I recognize now that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time, and I have forgiven myself for any errors I perceived in the process.

I now am comfortable with the knowledge that we all experience so much loss in our lives, and that loss can make us more aware of how precious each moment is. I now focus on and practice and experience all that I do through the lens of kindness, comfort, support, and especially love and happiness. My wish for you is that you focus on what you do have now and all the love and wonder you have experienced to make each moment of your life the best it can be. Release the stumbling, be easy on yourself, and move forward. The deeper we fall, the higher we can soar.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comparison of Grief

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I wrote an Instagram post this week that said, “I have heard that the death of a spouse is the number one stressor in life.”  I realize now that I inspired anger and comparison, and that was not my intention for making this statement.  Each experience of grief is unique and any comparison in grief can be damaging. Every experience of grief I have had in my lifetime has been different.  I can’t compare the loss of my husbands, or father, or mother, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or good friends, or my unborn baby. My love for each of these people was great and incomparable to any other relationship I have had.

Theodore Roosevelt was credited for saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  That makes sense to me.  Every one of us experiences grief in our own way for each experience of grief we have.  What is important here is to individually focus on that. It really doesn’t matter how many people attend a celebration of life, or how many months anyone was unable to continue their normal activities, or any other comparisons.

What does matter is that we each take good care of ourselves as we experience grief, and that we also provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to those people we care about who are experiencing grief. Do that in any way, and don’t worry about how much or how little anyone else has done.

I love the author, Byron Katie. She says: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” She has developed something she calls The Work that I use when I find I need some support in how to handle things. In The Work, she encourages you to ask yourself four questions to help you discover if what you are thinking is what you need to pay attention to. When you find things that you are focusing on do not support you or help you feel better, all you need to do is ask yourself her questions.  This is a link to her questions and guidance how to use them: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/

If you find yourself saying something that could be a judgement of how someone else is grieving, use the work and see what happens.  Her first question is “Is it true?” Often, that’s all I need to say to myself. Then I will release what I was thinking. I’ll feel lighter. Smile, and move forward.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The words that can provide comfort and support to others

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Every Saturday people come together to write through grief with me on Zoom. This week, I was so moved by what Rev. Rachel Hollander wrote that I asked if she would share it with us for my blog post this week, and she graciously said yes. Rev. Rachel is the President of the new Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization. She is amazing and is a gift to the organization. Her beautiful picture accompanies this blog.

If you would like to join us on Saturdays, please send me your email and I will put you on the Zoom invitation list.

 

Here we go….

Whatever you are feeling is completely acceptable.

If you want to cry, scream, laugh, rage, hide, smile, remember or forget.

It’s all acceptable.

There is no “wrong way” to grieve (unless, of course, you are harming yourself or another. In that case, call me).

If remembering feels good, brings up sweetness and sadness, go for it.

If remembering stings too much, let that go for now. There’s time.

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!

Show yourself the same level of Compassion that you would show for a beloved friend.

HYDRATE! Crying and grieving can cause dehydration. Don’t make things worse for yourself. Hydrate.

Reach out – or don’t reach out – as much as you feel comfortable. You are in charge of your process.

If there are people you can trust, lean on them. If you’re unsure, call me.

Let go of judgment, time-lines, and all of the “shoulds.”

Everyone does this differently. And we each grieve different people differently.

There are no rules for this. Well, except to hydrate. That is really essential.

Understand that this is not a linear process. You won’t go from “bad” to “good.”

You’ll have easier days – or moments – and then challenging ones. It’s all ok. It’s all part of the experience.

When/if you’re able, be with patient with the well-meaning folks who say truly stupid or un-helpful things. They usually know not what they do.

Accept soup, rides, flowers, support.

And, if it all becomes too much, decline offers gently.

It might seem odd to have to care-take those who are not grieving. And, yet sometimes we need to try. Aim for tact.

AND – do not be afraid to get what you need: “Thank you for the offer. I really need some quiet time right now. It’s been a rough day.”

There is no time frame or limit on grief. If someone asks why you are “still” grieving, remind them of how lucky they are that they don’t understand.

When you’re able, create an altar or small space to remember your beloved. A photo, a token, a stone, whatever. Give them a place in your world.

And, lovingly, remember.

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Honoring Our Veterans

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Originally known as Armistice Day, November 11 is the day that was chosen to honor veterans because it is the day that is considered the end of World War One, The Great War.  This occurred in 1918 on the eleventh day of the eleventh month at 11 AM.  Where I grew up, Veterans Day was the biggest celebration of the year, even bigger than Christmas and the 4th of July. During the huge Veterans Day Parade, at 11 AM, the air raid sirens would go off and everything ceased. In the silence, everyone either saluted or held their hands over their hearts in recognition of all our veterans and their families.

How times have changed. Now many businesses go on as usual not recognizing the holiday. Parades and celebrations are few. When we think of serving veterans now, what comes to mind are the Veterans Stand Downs that are held around the country as a one-to-four-day event to give a break to veterans who are homeless or poor. They gather to receive food, haircuts, clothes, showers, counseling, and guidance on how to find services they may be entitled to. I found myself in tears writing this blog thinking how incredibly sad it is that we need to do this.  With all these citizens have done for us including sacrificing their own lives, why aren’t they all honored and revered always instead of given handouts once a year?

I was born and raised in a small town in California who had the highest per capita loss of those fighting in the Vietnam War. My girlfriends married their boyfriends when they were drafted because the chances were so high that they wouldn’t return from the war. And if they did, they often had significant losses related to the unimaginable experiences they had while witnessing man’s inhumanity to man.

Today as we celebrate the bravery of these selfless servants, take the opportunity to serve them back.  If you know someone who is serving now, reach out to thank them and their families for the sacrifices they make. If you know someone or have a family member who served in the past, write them a letter whether they are still in this earthly realm or not. I was just thinking about my uncle who had his leg blown off in World War Two.  I am sure I never thanked him while he was still alive. I just never thought to do this. But I am going to today, to write that letter I should have sent long ago. Doing this helps us get in touch with the significance of what our military has done for us.

There is a saying that those who don’t learn from the experiences they had in the past are doomed to repeat them. Let’s learn. Let’s reach out to people who serve or have served us and do what we can to brighten their lives. And above all, let’s not repeat the mistakes of our past.

Thank you, Daddy. Thank you, Uncle Jim. Thank you, Jacques. Thank you, Aunt Mona, Thank you, Ariel.  Thank you, Roy. Thank you, Uncle Glen. Thank you, Steve. Thank you, Jason.  And my deepest gratitude to all my other friends and relatives who have served us all.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.