Grief

Coincidence?

by

Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!

 

What Would You Do?

by

Do you have times when you drift into thinking that you want to go back to the way it was when you were with your loved one? You think of conversations, of things you loved to do together? I know I do this sometimes, but I always come back to knowing that I can’t go back, that things will never be the same. And at times that brings tears or longing, yet I know I can’t stay there.  It doesn’t serve me to dwell on what was or what might have been, so I have found a way to help me through.

We did lots together and talked about other things we would do together some day. I decided to honor him by honoring those things.  I started by making a list of things we loved to do together that I want to keep a part of my life. Then I added things I would do on my own that he would have supported me in and loved to see me do. Here’s my list.

Things we did together that I continue to do now:

  • We had a daily spiritual practice. We would meditate, write in our journals, read to each other, say our intentions and affirmations, and share a joy we each had the day before. I don’t let a day go by without continuing to do this, most often joined now by my dear neighbor Robin.
  • We loved taking good care of our hone and garden. I continue this by planting and harvesting vegetables, tending to my flowers and fruit trees, and being sure my home is clean and well maintained.
  • We loved to be surrounded by art, so I am continuing to support artists by purchasing works that inspire me. And I create artwork of my own in the studio that Ron had built for me. I do drawings, painting, and sculptures. I even made new pillows for my couch yesterday.
  • Ron was so thrilled when I first started going to Soul Sisters Retreats. And I am so glad. I have made lifelong friends, met so many people who inspired me, and deepened my spirituality.
  • Ron loved mentoring people through their projects and dreams, so I do this too. I’ve been having deep conversations with people about what to do with their lives no that things are so different. I love to brainstorm, like we used to, to come up with ideas and get to watch them develop.

I have also created new things to do that honor him.  I have written a book to help others through the grieving process called Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is in the process of being published, and I have created support groups to write together through our grief and to set intentions.

As I look at all of these things, I see that I am honoring Ron and inspired by him.  Try making a list of the things you would like to do that are inspired by your loved one that will keep their memory with you while allowing you to blossom on your own. I would love to read you list or hear about what you do!

Stay well!

 

The picture is one of my drawings.

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Kale and Caramel and Lily

by

My good friend was talking a walk (a few weeks ago when we could) when she ran into a friend on her way. Walking on Maui is such a wonderful experience as everything is verdant, tropical, and fresh, and the trades winds are gently blowing. Gazing across the water to other islands is breathtaking. Encountering a friend is more the norm than the exception. This morning, Robin ran into Lily Diamond, blogger, author, and natural beauty. In catching up, Lily told Robin about the cookbook she wrote in dealing with her grief for her mother. I was fascinated by what Robin told me about Lily, so I went to her website and bought her cookbook: Kale and Caramel.

Lily moved to Maui when she was two and lived here until she went off to Yale for college. Her family lived immersed in the natural lifestyle of the island.  Her mother, an herbalist and aromatherapist, raised Lily by teaching her a love of nature and living, spending time in long walks learning all about the plants they encountered. Lily fully embraces all five senses in how she lives with aroma, sight, touch, sound, all as important as flavor. After Lily graduated from college, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and she returned to Maui to help her father care for her.

In dealing with her grief after her mother died, Lily wrote a beautiful cookbook sharing her mother’s healing teaching of the synthesis of flowers and herbs with food to nourish us inside and out. Kale and Caramel is gorgeous. Both reading the book and experiencing the beauty of the pictures makes your mouth water and your heart soften.  In her book, she says:

“It is said that the mind will only truly change when it grows so weary of itself it cannot stand to repeat its machinations even one more moment. And so it was with me. The heavier the grief weighed on me, the more I wanted to be free. For years, I let grief subsume me in its shadowy net, allowed feeling to run through me like water.”

Finally, “What came when I stopped long was being, pure and wild. Being with food that nourished me. Being with plants and flowers that healed by virtue of their very existence, their wildness. Being, no matter how much my heart hurt.”

Kale and Caramel is a cookbook I actually read. I feel my body relax and my breathing slow as I give in to its beauty and life, inspiring me to only eat what serves me, to smell what enlivens or relaxes me, and to live my very best life. Lily celebrates her mother as well as what she learned from her. I highly recommend that go to her website, read her blog, and enjoy her cookbook.

I celebrated by husbands by writing my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through grief. What can you do to create lasting memories of the best qualities of your loved one? Explore your creativity and see what you are inspired to do, then create that tribute, whatever it may be.  I would love for you to share your journey on your way.

 

Kale and Caramel

National Haiku Day May 17, 2020

by

In the Writing Through Grief group I facilitate on Maui, one of our favorite exercises is writing Haiku Poetry.  I first learned to write Haiku in a writing class in college and fell in love with the form years ago. The form is so simple that anyone can write it and easily express thought concisely.

Basically, Haiku poetry is written in 3 lines. The first and third lines have 5 syllables and the middle line has 7 syllables. Here are some examples:

 

no creatures better

not men nor flies – all are one

each one lives and dies

by William Blake

 

I write, erase, rewrite

Erase again, and then

A poppy blooms.

by Katsushika Hokusai

 

Calm as a river

Tranquility in my heart

Blue summer skies reign.
by Paul Holmes

 

Spring is in the air

Flowers are blooming sky high

Children are laughing

by Kaitlyn Guenther

 

In silence, alone,

I feel my heart and wonder

at the miracle.

https://spot.colorado.edu/~downton/lifegardening/life.htm

 

The Sun’s warm caress,

Gently touching our faces,

While we now cannot.

by Madeline Bauserman, Washington

 

Such peace and beauty

Grateful for my distant friends

Our world is changing

By Emily Thiroux Threatt

 

As people are looking for things to do during this time we are spending at home, writing Haiku can be an entertaining project that can even become meaningful to you. My grief writers have discovered they can express things in Haiku that they weren’t able to get out any other way.  We are even collecting Haikus written by group members to publish our own little book.

The University of Buffalo created a project to spark creativity for those at home now. You can read about it here. They encourage Haiku writers to post on Instagram where the hashtag #haiku already has 1.2M posts! They want you to post your Haikus along with art that represents them, preferably art you do to make it an especially creative project. I posted one with one of my photographs.

http://www.buffalo.edu/ubnow/stories/2020/04/haiku-project.html

 

Another interesting project is being done in collaboration between the Orange County Museum of Art and sound artist Alan Nakagawa. “Dubbed “Social Distancing, Haiku and You,” the project asks participants to write and digitally record haikus inspired by their own personal experiences during the pandemic. Upon receiving the digital recordings, Nakagawa will use Pro Tools software to create a sound collage that interweaves the multitude of voices into a single composition.” You can even create and submit your Haikus to by included.  The deadline is April 16th. More information is in the Smithsonian article. His composition will be released April 23.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/sound-artist-asking-people-record-covid-19-haikus-180974642/

 

I encourage you to write some Haikus yourself.  In honor of National Haiku Day, I am offering my grief Haiku writing class for free here: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/offers/VCqfDijR

I would love for you to post your Haikus in the comments below so that we can all share. I can’t wait to read what you write!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief in the time of Covid 19

by

In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief gave me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world.  I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death

  • Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for
  • Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity
  • The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus
  • Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
  • Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared
  • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
  • People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
  • Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
  • Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way.  The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

 

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe:

  • Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying.
  • Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
  • Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
  • Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
  • Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
  • Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
  • If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
  • Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
  • Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared.  When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before.  We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment.  In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other.  He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it.  If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together.  For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store.  They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take.  There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

What else can you do?

  • Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
  • Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
  • Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
  • Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
  • Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
  • Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
  • Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
  • Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
  • Join a virtual grief group.
  • Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
  • Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
  • Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
  • Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
  • Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
  • Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
  • Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean.  Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this.  We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

 

Contact Emily Thiroux Threatt

Email: [email protected]

My web site:

https://griefandhappiness.com/

Facebook: Writing Through Grief With Emily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2869332503181276/

Facebook: Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/permalink/871295139998225/

Instagram: emily_thiroux_threatt

Twitter: @ThreattEmily

Emily’s classes on grief and writing: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/

Every Loss is a Partial Loss of Who You Are

by

When my Daddy died, my world changed. He was such a special part of my life and was suddenly gone with no opportunity to say goodbye.  Every day I missed him, and everything felt different. Then when Mom died after caring for her for almost a year, I was kind of lost without her. We weren’t particularly close throughout my life, but toward the end of her life, that all changed.  I am grateful to have had that time with her. I now felt like an orphan, not playing the role of daughter anymore.

I took care of Jacques for the last two years of his life.  I gave up everything to stay with him either at home or in the hospital. When he transitioned, I was no longer a wife, a caretaker, or a lover, and I no longer had a job to go to. Then I stayed home with Ron, or at the hospital, for his last two years.  Although I had gained back those wife and lover roles after Jacques died, there I was again, losing those roles.

Now as I reflect, I see that while I did have losses, I gained back so much.  My love and attention were focused on Mom, Jacques, and Ron when I was caring for them, so I changed the direction of that love when they were gone.  Now I live in a state of love, and I am grateful for all the love I share.  Dad, Mom, Jacques, and Ron, and my children, all taught me how to love. I love deeply. I am surrounded by my Hawaiian Ohana (family), and I love each of them as I love my blood family. I love where I live. I love my garden and what I eat. I love the people I serve by helping them through their grief. I love the inspiration and guidance that leads me on my way. I love where I live on Maui with a culture based on love, Aloha.

I lost the physical presence of these people, and in the process, I lost, or actually stopped experiencing fear, which is really the only other emotion besides love. I was able to freely relinquish fear because it really didn’t serve me. I have realised that all these losses just made room for my love to grow and expand so that I smile much of the time now and truly enjoy my life.

I invite you to examine any loss you have had and to release the fear and sorrow it engendered. Now turn your life to just love. Love is such a beautiful way to experience life. My intention that I repeat every day is to love and be loved. Spread that love around every way you can. Especially now. And it feels so good when it flows back to you!

Be well–