Grief

Every Loss is a Partial Loss of Who You Are

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When my Daddy died, my world changed. He was such a special part of my life and was suddenly gone with no opportunity to say goodbye.  Every day I missed him, and everything felt different. Then when Mom died after caring for her for almost a year, I was kind of lost without her. We weren’t particularly close throughout my life, but toward the end of her life, that all changed.  I am grateful to have had that time with her. I now felt like an orphan, not playing the role of daughter anymore.

I took care of Jacques for the last two years of his life.  I gave up everything to stay with him either at home or in the hospital. When he transitioned, I was no longer a wife, a caretaker, or a lover, and I no longer had a job to go to. Then I stayed home with Ron, or at the hospital, for his last two years.  Although I had gained back those wife and lover roles after Jacques died, there I was again, losing those roles.

Now as I reflect, I see that while I did have losses, I gained back so much.  My love and attention were focused on Mom, Jacques, and Ron when I was caring for them, so I changed the direction of that love when they were gone.  Now I live in a state of love, and I am grateful for all the love I share.  Dad, Mom, Jacques, and Ron, and my children, all taught me how to love. I love deeply. I am surrounded by my Hawaiian Ohana (family), and I love each of them as I love my blood family. I love where I live. I love my garden and what I eat. I love the people I serve by helping them through their grief. I love the inspiration and guidance that leads me on my way. I love where I live on Maui with a culture based on love, Aloha.

I lost the physical presence of these people, and in the process, I lost, or actually stopped experiencing fear, which is really the only other emotion besides love. I was able to freely relinquish fear because it really didn’t serve me. I have realised that all these losses just made room for my love to grow and expand so that I smile much of the time now and truly enjoy my life.

I invite you to examine any loss you have had and to release the fear and sorrow it engendered. Now turn your life to just love. Love is such a beautiful way to experience life. My intention that I repeat every day is to love and be loved. Spread that love around every way you can. Especially now. And it feels so good when it flows back to you!

Be well–

International Women’s Day

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“International Women’s Day is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating women’s equality.  The first International Women’s Day was in 1911.”

https://www.internationalwomensday.com

I see this day as a day to celebrate each of us individually for the impact we have made in the world.  In my lifetime, I have won many awards, earned many degrees, and written four books, but I see my impact in ways I have served other people. All service starts with individual acts, and much or most of what you do is service. I am listing some of the ways I have served others to encourage you to reflect on all the service you have done which impacts all of society.

I have been a wife. In this role, I have created a living home environment and demonstrated what a wonderful relationship looks like. I also cared for two husbands for two years each though the process of living fully until they died.

I have been a mother. In this role I raised two amazing, brilliant, talented children and have loved five stepchildren. The nurturing role of being a mother is a creative feat to be admired.

I have been a daughter and daughter-in-law. In these roles I have been nurtured by loving parents and inspired by their examples. I also was able to serve them especially in their late years.

I have been a nurse, scrub tech, and EMT. In these roles I cared for many patients and provided much teaching on how to be healthy.

I have been a teacher in many fields. In this role I have taught swimming, childbirth education, nursing assistants, writing, communications, theatre, weaving, vegan cooking, and writing through grief.

I have been a business owner. In that role I have provided arts education for children, healthy food from my café and catering company, art shows in my gallery, entertainment in my theatre, life-saving and emergency transportation from my ambulance company, and housing for friends.

I have been a public servant. In that role I serving on the Bakersfield Californian Editorial Board, served on the Kern Medical Center Ethics Committee, served as President of the Bakersfield Chapter of the American Association of University Women,  served as class president of my nursing class, served on the Democratic Central Committee in Kern County, served on the Dorian Society board, served on the board of the after school program for the Greenfield School District, was a member of Ventura County Pitter’s Guild, am a life member of the Veterans of Foreign Wars Auxiliary, and more.

I am an artist. In this role I have in theatre acted, directed, designed costumes, make-up, and sets. I have also sewn, quilted, weaved, painted, drawn, and created ceramics.

I facilitate groups in my home. In this role I host an intention setting circle, a writing through grief group, and a produce share where our neighbors bring the abundance from their gardens.

I am a writer. In this role I have written four books. My most recent book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, will be available later this year.

As you can see, everything I do is basically in service of others.  I’ll bet most of what you do serves others too.  I encourage you to write in your journal a list of all the ways you serve. I am sure you have done much more than you realize, and you will be amazed at what you discover. And this Sunday, March 8, celebrate you and/or the women you know for all the things they do to make this world a better, more loving, peaceful place. I’ll be celebrating with you!

 

An equal world is an enabled world.

#IWD2020 #EachforEqual

Peripheral Grief

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I was born and raised in a small town in central California named Porterville. Growing up, I spent lots of time at our library. My very first job was there when my teacher recommended me to read stories to the children on Saturday mornings for pay.  I was thrilled to be in a place I loved doing what I loved to do. I haven’t lived in Porterville for many years, but I still am an owner of Imperial Ambulance, the company my father traded our home for when I was 13.

I started going on ambulance calls at 14 because you only had to be 14 then and have an advanced first aid certificate.  I have a deep respect and admiration for first responders and am happy to provide jobs for them.  When the fire started Tuesday, I knew our crews would be there. They stayed there around the clock until last night when the second firefighter’s body was found. He was only 25. The first firefighter was a Captain at age 34 and had started his career at our ambulance company as an EMT. These two firefighters were friends of most of my crew.

I have found myself grieving since the fire started, first for the library, then when I found out about the fire fighters, then for the two 13-year-old boys who started the fire. I am also thinking about the families of all the firefighters and the boys. Also, my crews who spent so many hours on duty at the fire and who lost their friends. And I feel for the fire crews coming in from the surrounding fire departments as far away as LA so that the Porterville fire fighters can stand down to mourn.

The grief has settled in on the city of Porterville and Tulare County like the dense Tule fog known to blanket the area. Ripples of the grief flow out to all the people who know anyone involved with the fire in any way. This morning there was a procession from the library in Porterville to the county coroner in Tulare. Following the vehicle carrying the fallen firefighter found last night, came fire fighters, our Imperial ambulances, the firefighters family, police cars, and other emergency vehicles from throughout the county all with red lights and sirens to show their respect.

My tears from all this of course bring up memories not only of the loved ones I have lost but of all the people I cared for in the ambulances and later as a nurse. Every life and death I have touched with my caring has settled in a special place in my heart, and reminders like this rock me every time. I am reminded to pay attention and to live and love in every moment, to be grateful that I could be there to help who most times were perfect strangers as they transitioned.

We often think of grief only in relation to those we are very close to, but grief can come for people you don’t even know. When this happens, realize it is part of your humanness and shed the tears you need to. Talk to someone about how you are feeling or write in your journal and pour your heart out to discover exactly what you are feeling and why. Take good care of yourself and be there for others when you can to share the experience.

I am glad I have this outlet to write to you. Thank you for reading.

 

Bring My Flowers Now

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I enjoyed watching the Grammy Awards last night, though the constant reminders of the death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter kept me thinking about his family. In that context, one song really affected me. Tanya Tucker sang “Bring My Flowers Now” for which she earned her first Grammy 47 years after her first Grammy nomination.  Not only that, but it took her 30 years to write the song.

I related to her lyrics as a read them.  The chorus is:

“Bring my flowers now, while I’m liven’ . . .

Don’t spend time, tears, or money on my old breathless body,

If your heart is in them flowers, bring ‘em on.”

This reminded me of my sweet Jacques who believed I should always have fresh flowers. When they were blooming in our garden, he’d cut them to bring inside. When they weren’t blooming at home, he would bring them from the grocery store, and always from the florist for special occasions. I never doubted his love. I didn’t need the flowers to know that, but I did love how he cared for me.

Love doesn’t have to be demonstrated with flowers. But a constant demonstration of love is a beautiful gift. My daughter always signs any messages with “I love you.” This is a special reminder. And there are so many other ways to demonstrate love.  My neighbor and good friend Dawn brings us servings of delicious food she makes.  Robin meditates with me daily and runs to the grocery store or pharmacy for me when I can’t go myself. Henry gives my son rides since he doesn’t drive, and he’s always available with his truck when we need to haul something big. Kind words from people I work with, and vegetables and fruits that my neighbors share are all signs of love.

I make a point to say what I need to say to those I love while I can. As Tanya says:

“The days are long, but the years are lightning

They’re bright and they will never strike again.

I wish I’d been a better friend, daughter . . . .”

I wonder what people are thinking today that they wish they had told Kobe while they could. An uncertainty we will always have is when it will be too late to express our love. Take this inspiration to express your love, to express your gratitude, and to love yourself. Don’t put it off. In the end, love is all that matters.

 

Listen to Tanya’s song here.

Wabi-Sabi and Grief

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Wabi-Sabi is the Japanese aesthetic of finding the beauty of imperfection.  Grief is like this. There is nothing perfect about grief. Grief goes all over the place with highs and lows and unexpected sharp turns and cliffs. Yet grief also has the beauty of precious memories, the coming together of family and friends, and the peace of relief when we catch our breath.

A roller-coaster is akin to the Wabi-Sabi of grief. While if you step back to look at a roller coaster, it may seem chaotic a messy. Creating a roller coaster actually takes years of thought and effort to design. Things like safety and thrills as well as what makes a new roller coaster bigger, better, and faster are all considered to create a carefully crafted, perfectly operating machine. And when the roller coaster ceases to function, a great deal of work is required to take it apart. The relationship you had with your loved one also took a long time to build and perfect, and it was likely filled with twists and turns and will take a long time and effort to shift when transition comes.

As your relationship grew with your loved one, your path was not always straight. Chances are it ranged from blue skies and butterflies, to passion and deep love, to occasional hick-ups bringing disagreements or resentment, but overall, it was pretty wonderful and definitely had thrills at times, just like that roller coaster.  The last time I was on a roller coaster, I experienced an overwhelming need to stand up right in the middle of the ride and just get off. This all could be included in the experience of grief. There are high and lows. Sometimes it goes so fast that you can’t catch your breath, while other times you can escape into the depths of meditation for a brief period of respite. And you always wish to somehow get off, to have the grief to not be happening or have it be over.

Looking at your grief from the perspective of Wabi-Sabi where you know that grief is not a straight line from point A to point B, will allow you to recognize that all of the experiences are part of a whole, big experience. Each part is a simple part, not the whole thing. If you collapse into tears, the tears will not flow forever. If your feel isolated, the aloneness won’t last forever. Look at each experience as just part of a some-what messy or imperfect Wabi-Sabi whole. Experience the sadness that you need to. Cry the tears that you need to. Spend time alone when you need to. And also remember the joys of the times you spent together. The smile of your loved one. The depths of your love. Eventually the high points and beauty of the experience will be much more and last longer than the low points. You have that to look forward to as you do the rest of your life. Instead of focusing on the negativity of this imperfect part of your life, focus on the beauty of the imperfection.

When I taught basket weaving, some students would come to learn how to make a perfect basket. But I taught my students how to allow the process of responding to the materials being used to allow the basket to become a unique, imperfect work of art. The picture I include here is an example of a basket I wove. Allow your grief to become that work of art that is perfect in its imperfection.

 

Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

Three Things

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I’ve always been told that things come in threes, and that seems to be so.  When
I woke up this morning at the start of this new decade. I was thinking about what I had done last year that brought me joy, and I thought of three things.  That led me to think about what I am doing right now that brings me joy, and again, three things popped into my mind. So, I thought, what will my three things be for this year? And, you guessed it, three more things!

In 2019, I finished writing the manuscript for my book, Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss.  This project took me about a year to complete and was a major life changing activity for me.  In writing it, I worked through my own grief while discovering how I could help others do the same.  I also took a life changing trip to Bali traveling by myself.  I had several challenges in actually traveling to get there and back, but I handled them all, and I was deeply inspired by Bali: the people, their focus on family, their art, their lack of materialism, the way they worship, and the beauty. And the third thing was teaching 90 online university students using a new course delivery platform. I have taught online since the early 1990’s and love it, but this was my best semester yet.  This showed me how wonderful it is to try new things and find better ways to relate to my students.

My present three things are the joy I have found in opening my home to others by hosting writing workshops, hosting an intention setting circle, hosting a weekly produce share, and hosting parties with my friends to celebrate.  I also have discovered the joy of drawing, something I always thought I couldn’t do.  Now I love to draw. And my third thing is the joy in taking care of myself.  I love to work out with my trainer, take daily walks, do water aerobics at the pool, and eat a healthy vegetarian diet.  Finding new recipes is always fun, and I love to discover yummy vegan recipes.

Recognizing how good my life has been and is, I am now setting my intention for my future. Soon I will find the perfect publisher for my book and be helping thousands of people find ways to bring joy into their lives. I will greatly expand the number of friends I have and serve. And, I am open to new experiences whatever they may be. I don’t necessarily need to know what the experiences will be. I am just ready to go where my heart leads me.

What are your three things?  What was wonderful about 2019? What is wonderful about right now? And what does your future have in store for you?  I encourage you to write all this in your journal.  Writing things down somehow solidifies their truth and reminds you of all the joy you actually have. I’d love to hear what you discover!

 

Click here to sign up for my Writing Through Grief class.