Grief

My Mother’s Grief

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My Mom and Dad were married for 54 years. They were 18 when they got married in a small California town during the Depression. They spent their time together until Daddy got drafted into World War II.  When he came home, they were closer than ever. They spent years together active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, including Daddy being in leadership in the State of California including being State Commander. This required visits all over California, and they drove everywhere they went. On so many long trips, they saw many accidents on the road, and Mom would report them to me in detail, always saying that she knew that she and Daddy would someday be in one of those accidents and die together on the road. I hated when she said that, but I knew that she said it out of deep love. She couldn’t imagine living without him.

On the Sunday before Veteran’s Day in 1989, Daddy was the keynote speaker at the big community event held annually to honor all the Veterans from our town. Much beloved, he had a warm reception to his talk. The next evening, Mom called to say Daddy had been taken to the hospital. She wasn’t sure what was wrong, but they told her to go home and get some rest and to visit him in the morning.  I assured her that I would join her in the morning as I lived an hour away.  An hour later, she called to tell me that he had died.

I don’t think we are ever really ready for a death, but when it comes so suddenly, it is a shock. The rest of the week what a big celebration of his life and service. Porterville always has had a tradition of patriotism which included a huge parade and Band-o-Rama on Veterans day every year.  Mom and Dad had been in charge of that parade for many years. This year, the parade was done in Daddy’s honor. They had a beautiful old convertible with a black wreath at the start of the parade representing him not being there for the first time in so many years. Then he was honored again at the Band-O-Rama as the town’s best loved veteran.

Mom held up well during that week, or so we thought.  As I reflect, she hardly spoke at all, and I didn’t see her crying.  I went with her to make the funeral arrangements, and she was pretty silent there, too, so I did most of the talking.  The service was amazing. I have never seen so many people at a service. They had taps and a 21-gun salute at the graveside, and Mom was silent.

I had to leave at the end of the week.  I hated leaving her alone, but I had to go back to work and my family.  We stayed in touch and I stepped in to help with the Ambulance business she and Daddy owned together. She still didn’t talk much. She did play bridge every week with the same group she had played with since they all first got married. And she went to church sometimes. But I knew she spent much time alone. My daughter wanted a picture of the three of us taken for her birthday, and when I saw the proofs of all the shots from the photo studio, I realized that mom wasn’t smiling. And I also realized she hadn’t smiled at all since Daddy died.

Five years after Daddy’s death, I got a call that mom had been taken to the hospital. She had spent Thanksgiving with us and drove an hour to go home a couple of days later.  We had been shopping and she bought a new electric blanket. After she got home, she tried to put the blanket on her bed that Sunday evening and fell. This was before the time of cell phones and medical alerts. When she didn’t show up for bridge, her friends called her company and they went to check on here and found her on the floor badly dehydrated. Nothing was broken, but she just didn’t have the will to get up.

When she recovered enough to go home, I told her she had a choice to make. She could stay in her home with someone to stay with her all the time. She could stay with me. Or we could find a place for her at a facility for elders. She decided to come home with me. I enjoyed having her with me. We were able to have good talks sometimes. And she loved my husband who could get her to smile. And my daughter could get her to smile on occasion too. Then we discovered that she had an inoperable brain tumor. And because her doctor told me the diagnosis on the phone on his way to his vacation, I had to tell her. We held each other and cried a long time.

Then a miracle happened. Her smile came back on a regular basis. And she laughed. Jacques could get her laughing easily every day. He loved to laugh and she laughed with him. Then she decided that it was time for her to move back home. I arranged for people to stay with her and drove to see her and take care of things a few times a week. She finally was at peace because she knew the time was short until as she believed, she would be with Daddy and her mother again.

Reflecting now, I wish I could have done something more to bring her joy. She had visits from her minister and friends and her sister, but she just wasn’t happy living without Daddy. She is a big part of my inspiration to do the work I do now, helping others to deal with their grief in a way that will lead them to find joy and happiness in their lives. If you see yourself in my mother, please reach out. Know that you can have peace and joy in your life again. And if you see yourself in me as I dealt with my mother, do something about it.  I realize now that I was not dealing with my own grief and become tangled in the overwhelming busyness of trying to take care of everyone else. Spend time with loved ones. Find things to do that bring you joy. And most of all, take care of and love yourself.

Coincidence?

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Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!

 

What Would You Do?

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Do you have times when you drift into thinking that you want to go back to the way it was when you were with your loved one? You think of conversations, of things you loved to do together? I know I do this sometimes, but I always come back to knowing that I can’t go back, that things will never be the same. And at times that brings tears or longing, yet I know I can’t stay there.  It doesn’t serve me to dwell on what was or what might have been, so I have found a way to help me through.

We did lots together and talked about other things we would do together some day. I decided to honor him by honoring those things.  I started by making a list of things we loved to do together that I want to keep a part of my life. Then I added things I would do on my own that he would have supported me in and loved to see me do. Here’s my list.

Things we did together that I continue to do now:

  • We had a daily spiritual practice. We would meditate, write in our journals, read to each other, say our intentions and affirmations, and share a joy we each had the day before. I don’t let a day go by without continuing to do this, most often joined now by my dear neighbor Robin.
  • We loved taking good care of our hone and garden. I continue this by planting and harvesting vegetables, tending to my flowers and fruit trees, and being sure my home is clean and well maintained.
  • We loved to be surrounded by art, so I am continuing to support artists by purchasing works that inspire me. And I create artwork of my own in the studio that Ron had built for me. I do drawings, painting, and sculptures. I even made new pillows for my couch yesterday.
  • Ron was so thrilled when I first started going to Soul Sisters Retreats. And I am so glad. I have made lifelong friends, met so many people who inspired me, and deepened my spirituality.
  • Ron loved mentoring people through their projects and dreams, so I do this too. I’ve been having deep conversations with people about what to do with their lives no that things are so different. I love to brainstorm, like we used to, to come up with ideas and get to watch them develop.

I have also created new things to do that honor him.  I have written a book to help others through the grieving process called Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is in the process of being published, and I have created support groups to write together through our grief and to set intentions.

As I look at all of these things, I see that I am honoring Ron and inspired by him.  Try making a list of the things you would like to do that are inspired by your loved one that will keep their memory with you while allowing you to blossom on your own. I would love to read you list or hear about what you do!

Stay well!

 

The picture is one of my drawings.

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Kale and Caramel and Lily

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My good friend was talking a walk (a few weeks ago when we could) when she ran into a friend on her way. Walking on Maui is such a wonderful experience as everything is verdant, tropical, and fresh, and the trades winds are gently blowing. Gazing across the water to other islands is breathtaking. Encountering a friend is more the norm than the exception. This morning, Robin ran into Lily Diamond, blogger, author, and natural beauty. In catching up, Lily told Robin about the cookbook she wrote in dealing with her grief for her mother. I was fascinated by what Robin told me about Lily, so I went to her website and bought her cookbook: Kale and Caramel.

Lily moved to Maui when she was two and lived here until she went off to Yale for college. Her family lived immersed in the natural lifestyle of the island.  Her mother, an herbalist and aromatherapist, raised Lily by teaching her a love of nature and living, spending time in long walks learning all about the plants they encountered. Lily fully embraces all five senses in how she lives with aroma, sight, touch, sound, all as important as flavor. After Lily graduated from college, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and she returned to Maui to help her father care for her.

In dealing with her grief after her mother died, Lily wrote a beautiful cookbook sharing her mother’s healing teaching of the synthesis of flowers and herbs with food to nourish us inside and out. Kale and Caramel is gorgeous. Both reading the book and experiencing the beauty of the pictures makes your mouth water and your heart soften.  In her book, she says:

“It is said that the mind will only truly change when it grows so weary of itself it cannot stand to repeat its machinations even one more moment. And so it was with me. The heavier the grief weighed on me, the more I wanted to be free. For years, I let grief subsume me in its shadowy net, allowed feeling to run through me like water.”

Finally, “What came when I stopped long was being, pure and wild. Being with food that nourished me. Being with plants and flowers that healed by virtue of their very existence, their wildness. Being, no matter how much my heart hurt.”

Kale and Caramel is a cookbook I actually read. I feel my body relax and my breathing slow as I give in to its beauty and life, inspiring me to only eat what serves me, to smell what enlivens or relaxes me, and to live my very best life. Lily celebrates her mother as well as what she learned from her. I highly recommend that go to her website, read her blog, and enjoy her cookbook.

I celebrated by husbands by writing my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through grief. What can you do to create lasting memories of the best qualities of your loved one? Explore your creativity and see what you are inspired to do, then create that tribute, whatever it may be.  I would love for you to share your journey on your way.

 

Kale and Caramel

National Haiku Day May 17, 2020

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In the Writing Through Grief group I facilitate on Maui, one of our favorite exercises is writing Haiku Poetry.  I first learned to write Haiku in a writing class in college and fell in love with the form years ago. The form is so simple that anyone can write it and easily express thought concisely.

Basically, Haiku poetry is written in 3 lines. The first and third lines have 5 syllables and the middle line has 7 syllables. Here are some examples:

 

no creatures better

not men nor flies – all are one

each one lives and dies

by William Blake

 

I write, erase, rewrite

Erase again, and then

A poppy blooms.

by Katsushika Hokusai

 

Calm as a river

Tranquility in my heart

Blue summer skies reign.
by Paul Holmes

 

Spring is in the air

Flowers are blooming sky high

Children are laughing

by Kaitlyn Guenther

 

In silence, alone,

I feel my heart and wonder

at the miracle.

https://spot.colorado.edu/~downton/lifegardening/life.htm

 

The Sun’s warm caress,

Gently touching our faces,

While we now cannot.

by Madeline Bauserman, Washington

 

Such peace and beauty

Grateful for my distant friends

Our world is changing

By Emily Thiroux Threatt

 

As people are looking for things to do during this time we are spending at home, writing Haiku can be an entertaining project that can even become meaningful to you. My grief writers have discovered they can express things in Haiku that they weren’t able to get out any other way.  We are even collecting Haikus written by group members to publish our own little book.

The University of Buffalo created a project to spark creativity for those at home now. You can read about it here. They encourage Haiku writers to post on Instagram where the hashtag #haiku already has 1.2M posts! They want you to post your Haikus along with art that represents them, preferably art you do to make it an especially creative project. I posted one with one of my photographs.

http://www.buffalo.edu/ubnow/stories/2020/04/haiku-project.html

 

Another interesting project is being done in collaboration between the Orange County Museum of Art and sound artist Alan Nakagawa. “Dubbed “Social Distancing, Haiku and You,” the project asks participants to write and digitally record haikus inspired by their own personal experiences during the pandemic. Upon receiving the digital recordings, Nakagawa will use Pro Tools software to create a sound collage that interweaves the multitude of voices into a single composition.” You can even create and submit your Haikus to by included.  The deadline is April 16th. More information is in the Smithsonian article. His composition will be released April 23.

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/sound-artist-asking-people-record-covid-19-haikus-180974642/

 

I encourage you to write some Haikus yourself.  In honor of National Haiku Day, I am offering my grief Haiku writing class for free here: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/offers/VCqfDijR

I would love for you to post your Haikus in the comments below so that we can all share. I can’t wait to read what you write!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief in the time of Covid 19

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In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief gave me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world.  I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death

  • Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for
  • Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity
  • The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus
  • Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
  • Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared
  • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
  • People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
  • Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
  • Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way.  The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

 

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe:

  • Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying.
  • Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
  • Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
  • Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
  • Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
  • Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
  • If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
  • Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
  • Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared.  When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before.  We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment.  In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other.  He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it.  If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together.  For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store.  They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take.  There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

What else can you do?

  • Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
  • Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
  • Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
  • Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
  • Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
  • Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
  • Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
  • Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
  • Join a virtual grief group.
  • Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
  • Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
  • Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
  • Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
  • Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
  • Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
  • Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean.  Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this.  We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

 

Contact Emily Thiroux Threatt

Email: [email protected]

My web site:

https://griefandhappiness.com/

Facebook: Writing Through Grief With Emily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2869332503181276/

Facebook: Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/permalink/871295139998225/

Instagram: emily_thiroux_threatt

Twitter: @ThreattEmily

Emily’s classes on grief and writing: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/