grief

How Long Does Grief Last?

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Grief has no finish line. No measuring tapes are involved. Grief is as individual as breathing.

Early grief is all encompassing. We sometimes feel we are drowning in grief. Every breath is a struggle. Sleep is our reprieve.

Then miraculously and often unnoticed, each breath is a little easier. We can’t anticipate when this will happen. Yet it does. Our body starts to crave easy air, and we breathe a little deeper.

Our stoic expression feels like it will crack if we speak or try to smile, then one day a friend says the sweetest thing, and our lips turn up slightly, and we realize that feels good.

Our heads have been feeling filled with dark clouds heavy with the rain of tears. Slowly the clouds lighten and then a golden ray of sun peaks through.

As this all progresses, we are not likely to notice, then one day we realize our breathing is easy and we haven’t been noticing the air entering and leaving our bodies.

We stretch, energizing our muscles, feeling the tingling in our hands and feet, knowing we are ready to move.

As we walk outside, we discover that the trees still sway, the flowers still bloom, the birds still sing. Our absence hasn’t been noticed by the world around us.

Our strength begins to return. We realize a desire to experience beauty, conversation, food, movement.

At times our tears break through and we experience great longing, yet those times become further apart.

We reflect on the detailed memories we have of times well spent with our loved ones, of love expressed, of comfort felt.

We slip into our new normal, whatever that is, not forgetting our loved one, cherishing our memories, and discovering the peace and joy in the rest of the moments of our lives.

Grief is never over, just assimilated into our lives granting us the richness that comes from experiencing the depths of our love.

 

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Grief in the time of Covid 19

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In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief gave me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world.  I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death

  • Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for
  • Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity
  • The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus
  • Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
  • Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared
  • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
  • People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
  • Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
  • Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way.  The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

 

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe:

  • Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying.
  • Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
  • Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
  • Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
  • Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
  • Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
  • If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
  • Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
  • Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared.  When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before.  We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment.  In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other.  He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it.  If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together.  For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store.  They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take.  There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

What else can you do?

  • Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
  • Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
  • Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
  • Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
  • Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
  • Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
  • Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
  • Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
  • Join a virtual grief group.
  • Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
  • Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
  • Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
  • Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
  • Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
  • Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
  • Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean.  Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this.  We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

 

Contact Emily Thiroux Threatt

Email: [email protected]

My web site:

https://griefandhappiness.com/

Facebook: Writing Through Grief With Emily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2869332503181276/

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https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/permalink/871295139998225/

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Twitter: @ThreattEmily

Emily’s classes on grief and writing: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/

Wabi-Sabi and Grief

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Wabi-Sabi is the Japanese aesthetic of finding the beauty of imperfection.  Grief is like this. There is nothing perfect about grief. Grief goes all over the place with highs and lows and unexpected sharp turns and cliffs. Yet grief also has the beauty of precious memories, the coming together of family and friends, and the peace of relief when we catch our breath.

A roller-coaster is akin to the Wabi-Sabi of grief. While if you step back to look at a roller coaster, it may seem chaotic a messy. Creating a roller coaster actually takes years of thought and effort to design. Things like safety and thrills as well as what makes a new roller coaster bigger, better, and faster are all considered to create a carefully crafted, perfectly operating machine. And when the roller coaster ceases to function, a great deal of work is required to take it apart. The relationship you had with your loved one also took a long time to build and perfect, and it was likely filled with twists and turns and will take a long time and effort to shift when transition comes.

As your relationship grew with your loved one, your path was not always straight. Chances are it ranged from blue skies and butterflies, to passion and deep love, to occasional hick-ups bringing disagreements or resentment, but overall, it was pretty wonderful and definitely had thrills at times, just like that roller coaster.  The last time I was on a roller coaster, I experienced an overwhelming need to stand up right in the middle of the ride and just get off. This all could be included in the experience of grief. There are high and lows. Sometimes it goes so fast that you can’t catch your breath, while other times you can escape into the depths of meditation for a brief period of respite. And you always wish to somehow get off, to have the grief to not be happening or have it be over.

Looking at your grief from the perspective of Wabi-Sabi where you know that grief is not a straight line from point A to point B, will allow you to recognize that all of the experiences are part of a whole, big experience. Each part is a simple part, not the whole thing. If you collapse into tears, the tears will not flow forever. If your feel isolated, the aloneness won’t last forever. Look at each experience as just part of a some-what messy or imperfect Wabi-Sabi whole. Experience the sadness that you need to. Cry the tears that you need to. Spend time alone when you need to. And also remember the joys of the times you spent together. The smile of your loved one. The depths of your love. Eventually the high points and beauty of the experience will be much more and last longer than the low points. You have that to look forward to as you do the rest of your life. Instead of focusing on the negativity of this imperfect part of your life, focus on the beauty of the imperfection.

When I taught basket weaving, some students would come to learn how to make a perfect basket. But I taught my students how to allow the process of responding to the materials being used to allow the basket to become a unique, imperfect work of art. The picture I include here is an example of a basket I wove. Allow your grief to become that work of art that is perfect in its imperfection.

 

Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

Surrender

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Where are you right now? Are you where you want to be? Where you thought you would be? The one thing that can keep us stuck, feeling like we don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to be, is the struggle to be where we used to be or where we always wanted to be.

When dealing with the loss of a loved one, you know that things will never be the same. And that’s hard. You may have had that perfect husband or wife that you always dreamed of. Or you may have had a loving, caring mother or father that has always been a big part of your life. Or maybe your darling son or daughter died, or your best friend. Whoever it was, having that person present in your daily life has ended, and you can’t go back not matter how much you think you want to.

You never really dreamed about what it would be like to be without this special person in your life, and you can’t see your future without him or her. Since you can’t go back, and you can’t go forward, what you have left is right now.  The kindest thing you can do right now for yourself is to surrender to what has happened. Surrendering does not mean forgetting your love and your loss. Surrendering means recognizing that right now, in this moment, you are alive, and your loved one is not and will not be physically by your side anymore.

Dwelling in the past makes it impossible for you to deal with today and tomorrow. Surrendering to the knowledge that you are still here, and you have this moment to live, as well as the rest of your life, is powerful.  Immediately after a death, everything seems kind of surreal. You expect to see your loved one, or you want to talk to them, or you need their opinion on something. Not being able to pick up the phone and call them, or roll over in bed to snuggle, or fix them dinner is heartbreaking each time it happens, until you come to terms with your loss and surrender.

I am not encouraging you to forget them. They all are and will be a very special part of your life, but you will find that when you surrender to the lack of their physical presence, you will be able to take a deep breath. You will be able to focus on this moment, right now, and live only there. Lovingly reminisce about yesterday. Dream about all the wonders of your tomorrows. And right now, in this moment, live in gratitude for the one you loved, for the life you have, and for the possibilities waiting for you. Surrender to all things bright, and beautiful, and lovely, and keep your focus right here on the very special person you are and the wonderful present you create.

 

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Moments of Grief

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I have a wonderful studio that Ron had built for me when we moved to Maui. He knew I would miss the studio I had on the mainland, so he arranged for a bigger studio to be built here. As wonderful as my studio is, by the time it was completed, I needed to be with Ron most of the time, and even though the studio is on our property, it’s  far enough away from the house so that when time was of the essence when he had medical emergencies, I couldn’t get back up to the house fast enough. So, I didn’t spend much time there.

After Ron’s transition, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the studio. Now, two years later, I am feeling creative again and have been appreciating what a wonderful gift studio is to me.  I was there a couple of days ago and was suddenly overcome by tears. I realized that it was a profound moment of missing him. When the tears slowed, I was able to complete what I was doing before I came back up to the house, though still a little shaken.

Ron used to spend much time on our lanai, Hawaiian for patio, where he would enjoy the beauty, the birds, the rainbows, and the butterflies that would actually come up and land on him. He told me that there would come a time that when I saw a butterfly or heard the birds or saw a rainbow, that I would know he was right there with me. Also, we got married on 1/1/11, so whenever I see 1111, I feel his presence also.

Since my episode at the studio, I have been a little fragile. I have moments of grief when I see something about someone dying on TV or someone mentions a loved one they are grieving for. But each time something comes up, the birds, the rainbows, or the butterflies or show up. And so does 1111. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with someone from a company who is helping with a big fundraising project I am working on. I am very excited about this project to raise funds for the Jazz Camp Maui my granddaughter has created. When I hung up, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Ron loved the idea of this camp, so I knew he is right here supporting my efforts. Think of what special things remind you of your loved one and notice when you see or experience them.

As the holidays are coming, we all are more prone to moments of grief which is perfectly natural as we go through this experience. The key is to stay in the moment and not get lost in the sorrow.  Think of how our loved one would want us to feel. Remember the joy of our love for them. Find little ways to celebrate that joy from writing or calling someone who is alone for the holidays, to volunteering someplace that could really use your help. Discover how wonderful life still is, and how much better it is because of the love you got to share.

 

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What Are We Doing?

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When I was talking to Saundy the other day, she was expressing her distress about the children being held at the border. She wants to do something, but she feels helpless. I thought about her comments when I heard about the shootings this weekend. What can we do? Are we actually helpless?

In situations like these, many of us grieve, piling experiences up until we either become overwhelmed by them or become numb by them. Either of these reactions don’t serve us, so what does?

The answer can come from us focusing together on love. The people who are committing these atrocities are generally working in isolation. When we read about them, we usually discover that they are loners seeking attention. They get inspired by people who espouse hate and gain much recognition from negativity. In an attempt to become idolized and recognized, they step on to a lonely stage not realizing that there are no positive outcomes once they cross that negative line of abomination.

So how can love change this? I have written before about how there are only two emotions: love and fear. Everything stems from these two. In order to make positive changes, releasing fear and focusing on love is essential. Studies have been done that show that when many people focus on love when dealing with a situation at the same time world wide, positive change happens not only in relation to acts of violence, but also in things like accidents and health emergencies. While this might seem unrealistic to you, try putting it I to action in your life.

Upon reflection, I can see how negatively and fear of death severely affected Jacques’ last couple of years. People stopped coming around, and loneliness and pain was heart breaking. Everything was different when Ron transitioned. We spent our time focusing on the joy in each moment. We were surrounded by love with laughter, friends, and music.

When we all decide to focus our lives on love, we will witness change. Instead of focusing the negativity of what’s happening in our government and society, try focusing on sending love and forgiveness to those who we see as the enemy or the problem. Instead of focusing on complaining about what politicians are doing, focus on finding something they do that is positive. For instance, instead of writing a letter complaining of the treatment of families and children at the border, write about how wonderful it will be for families to be reunited when the problems are solved that created the situation.

While this may sound naive, actually, this is the behavior that can create the change we are desiring. I encourage you to remember the words to John Lennon’s song Imagine.

“… Imagine all the people …. living for today…nothing to kill or die for … living life in peace….
I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

Let’s commit right now to focusing on peace and love. We can do this. Together we can change the world!

 

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