Joy

Practice Joy!

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I can hear you now. “I am grieving. There’s no joy in my life.” I can understand you feeling that way, but that’s not how you have to feel.

Right now, our country, and actually the world, is consumed with fear, despair, disease, and confusion. Where is the joy there?  We seem to have hit bottom, but let’s not stay there. The more we surround ourselves with the bad news, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the good news is, you are in control of what you focus on.

Today, right now, let’s focus on what is good in your life. Give your attention to that, and only to that all day. No news on tv. No newspapers. No negative conversations.  This is easier than you think. Turn on some great music that makes you feel good instead of the tv. Smile at anyone who starts a negative conversation and say, “How about we talk about something that makes you happy today?”

Now that you have eliminated negative distractions, let’s find some joy for you. Years ago, I found myself negative much of the time. That is where all my focus seemed to be, and it was pretty miserable. I consciously decided that I didn’t want to live that way. How freeing that was! You can do this too!

Try starting by doing a peaceful meditation. As you meditate, when you breathe in silently say love, and when you breathe out, silently say joy. Do this the full time of your meditation. When you finish, take a nice deep breath, smile, and open your eyes. Keep that smile throughout the day.

Now get out your journal or something to write on. Set your timer for ten minutes and start writing everything in your life that has brought you joy. Don’t stop to think about it, just write. Write anything and everything that comes to you. Don’t worry about spelling. Keep writing without pausing to think. Here’s the start of my list as an idea:

“When Ron first kissed me, when I bought my first home, my children, my house I love now on Maui, living on Maui, the dog I had as a child “Taffy,” my friends, tamale pie, the birds that sing in my yard, sunsets, toddlers laughing, puppies, walking on the beach, marrying Jacques, marrying Ron, writing each of my books, teaching others to write, my setting intentions group, Soul Sisters, Jazz, baroque music, Stephen Colbert, reading, writing . . . .”  I could go on for pages!

You may find when the timer goes off you want to write more because it feels so good to focus on all these wonderful things!  Keep writing for as long as you want to. And if you only write a couple of things, focus on them. Whenever I would start to feel down or distracted, I got out my list and read it, usually adding more things as I thought about them. Now, every day when I write in my journal, I write something that brought me joy that day.

As you focus on what is positive, as you only allow true, loving words in your presence, your joy will build and build. You can breathe easier. Everything will seem brighter, more beautiful. You discover yourself releasing negative feelings and memories and using you time to focus on what is already a kind and loving life.

Welcome to joy!

 

For a sneak peek at my book, click here!

My Last Kiss

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I remember clearly the last time I kissed Ron as he transitioned. I knew he was gone when no energy was exchanged between us. I was simply kissing what was already the memory of my love. Songs and poems are written about the bliss of a first kiss, but people rarely discuss the last one.

In grief people easily talk about missing holding hands and physical closeness, but sex tends to be taboo. This is unfortunate because the loss of deep intimacy commonly affects those of us who have lost a partner.  Popping us when you see someone kiss on television, or when you smell a fragrance reminding you of lost moments, or when you see a happy couple walking hand in hand, your reaction can range from tears to depression.

What can you do? First, recognize that what you are feeling is normal and should be expected.  If you have someone you can talk to about what you are feeling, then talk.  Don’t let fear or embarrassment get in your way. I imagine most of us may have a hard time starting that conversation though. I turn to my journal where there is no judgement.  I can express what I am feeling and explore what they mean to me. Pour your heart out to your journal and see where that leads.

A word of caution here is to not jump into bed with the first person you run into who is willing.  I know that sounds bold, but it isn’t uncommon.  Our libido is strong and can drive us to the arms of a stranger, but that can lead to complications when it’s over.  When the only sex you have been having has been with someone you love deeply, you might equate a sexual encounter with that love leading to feelings ranging from guilt to desperation. If you do choose to have casual sex, be sure your eyes are open.

After Jacques died, I was so lonely. I found myself imagining someone coming along to make me feel feminine and sooth my soul.  A friend called me and said he knew how hard it could be to go places alone, so that if I ever wanted a companion, he was available. I took him up on it, and when I needed a plus one or just didn’t want to go someplace alone, he was there for me. What came up for me that I didn’t expect was people talking about me, even when I could overhear what they were saying.  The gist of the unkind words was that it was too early for me to be dating and that I must have been glad my husband died so that I could move on. Yes, they really did say that. People can be so thoughtless and hurtful. I chose not to go out with anyone else at that time, though this kind man still remains my friend.

What you do with your body is only up to you to decide.  While other people’s opinions really don’t matter, they can affect what you decide.  I decided that my life didn’t need to be fodder for gossip, so it took me a long time to realize I did want to be with someone again.  I discovered that what I wanted most in life was to love and be loved, so that eliminated casual relationships for me.

When I met Ron, I was immediately smitten.  Yet I had difficulty dealing with the fact that though wedding vows say till death do you part, I didn’t feel unmarried, and I had to deal with that.  One night we were standing in the parking lot of the restaurant where we just had a flirty, luscious meal and talked for hours, and he looked into my eyes and said, “I am going to kiss you now.” That perfect soft and loving kiss was perfect and started our commitment to each other.

From our first kiss to our last, I had no desire to be with anyone but him.  Our love life was what he called our Sacred Energy eXchange and was perfect. Because of that, I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else, but I do still find myself longing for that perfect kiss, that physical closeness.  I don’t know where I will go from here, but I do know I will take good care of myself in the process, feeling and honoring the sexuality that doesn’t end with the death in a relationship. And it’s OK, and it’s nobody else’s business.

Coincidence?

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Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!

 

What Would You Do?

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Do you have times when you drift into thinking that you want to go back to the way it was when you were with your loved one? You think of conversations, of things you loved to do together? I know I do this sometimes, but I always come back to knowing that I can’t go back, that things will never be the same. And at times that brings tears or longing, yet I know I can’t stay there.  It doesn’t serve me to dwell on what was or what might have been, so I have found a way to help me through.

We did lots together and talked about other things we would do together some day. I decided to honor him by honoring those things.  I started by making a list of things we loved to do together that I want to keep a part of my life. Then I added things I would do on my own that he would have supported me in and loved to see me do. Here’s my list.

Things we did together that I continue to do now:

  • We had a daily spiritual practice. We would meditate, write in our journals, read to each other, say our intentions and affirmations, and share a joy we each had the day before. I don’t let a day go by without continuing to do this, most often joined now by my dear neighbor Robin.
  • We loved taking good care of our hone and garden. I continue this by planting and harvesting vegetables, tending to my flowers and fruit trees, and being sure my home is clean and well maintained.
  • We loved to be surrounded by art, so I am continuing to support artists by purchasing works that inspire me. And I create artwork of my own in the studio that Ron had built for me. I do drawings, painting, and sculptures. I even made new pillows for my couch yesterday.
  • Ron was so thrilled when I first started going to Soul Sisters Retreats. And I am so glad. I have made lifelong friends, met so many people who inspired me, and deepened my spirituality.
  • Ron loved mentoring people through their projects and dreams, so I do this too. I’ve been having deep conversations with people about what to do with their lives no that things are so different. I love to brainstorm, like we used to, to come up with ideas and get to watch them develop.

I have also created new things to do that honor him.  I have written a book to help others through the grieving process called Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is in the process of being published, and I have created support groups to write together through our grief and to set intentions.

As I look at all of these things, I see that I am honoring Ron and inspired by him.  Try making a list of the things you would like to do that are inspired by your loved one that will keep their memory with you while allowing you to blossom on your own. I would love to read you list or hear about what you do!

Stay well!

 

The picture is one of my drawings.

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My Job Is To Smile

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Thanks to keolamagazine.com

 

I had the opportunity to judge the senior student projects at King Kekaulike High School right before it closed for the shut-down.  Each year, every senior student spends the year preparing their project which includes a mentorship with a teacher of their choice and with a community member, an actual product they create, a research paper written about the product and process, presentations to classes on campus, and a presentation to community judges. These students learn so much from this process and create amazing things.  The is the second year that I have had the honor of being a community judge.

When I judged last week, a young man came into the room to do his presentation, and it was obvious that something was wrong. He seemed so nervous and had trouble making eye contact, so I made it my mission to smile at him. When he realized I was doing this, he focused his presentation on me, took a deep breath, and relaxed into his presentation.  It turned out that he had spent a year on preparing for the Merrie Monarch Hula festival held on the Big Island every spring where he would be dancing. His product was learning to make Haku leis which he would wear while dancing. He also learned all about the tradition of the different Hawaiian leis and taught his younger sister how to make the leis and what they represented.  Then we learned that the night before his presentation, the festival had been cancelled because of the world health crisis, and he was devastated. I was so grateful that I had followed my inspiration to smile at him because I could see that it really helped.

For the rest of the presentations, I smiled at the students too, a genuine smile full of love and support, and they responded. I imagine the other judges may have wondered why the students were presenting their project directly to me. That just made me smile more.

This experience reminded me of the importance of smiling, how good it feels to me to smile, and how good it feels to others to be smiled at.  At this time of social distancing, we might not be as close to people as we have been, but whenever I do speak to someone in person, I make a conscious decision to smile. And for those I can’t interact with face to face, I always make whatever message I send by email, text, phone, or social media positive with the implication of a big virtual smile.

So today I smile at you and know in my heart that you are smiling back.  Be sure to take my smile and pay it forward. We all can use a little joy right now.

 

Surrender

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Where are you right now? Are you where you want to be? Where you thought you would be? The one thing that can keep us stuck, feeling like we don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to be, is the struggle to be where we used to be or where we always wanted to be.

When dealing with the loss of a loved one, you know that things will never be the same. And that’s hard. You may have had that perfect husband or wife that you always dreamed of. Or you may have had a loving, caring mother or father that has always been a big part of your life. Or maybe your darling son or daughter died, or your best friend. Whoever it was, having that person present in your daily life has ended, and you can’t go back not matter how much you think you want to.

You never really dreamed about what it would be like to be without this special person in your life, and you can’t see your future without him or her. Since you can’t go back, and you can’t go forward, what you have left is right now.  The kindest thing you can do right now for yourself is to surrender to what has happened. Surrendering does not mean forgetting your love and your loss. Surrendering means recognizing that right now, in this moment, you are alive, and your loved one is not and will not be physically by your side anymore.

Dwelling in the past makes it impossible for you to deal with today and tomorrow. Surrendering to the knowledge that you are still here, and you have this moment to live, as well as the rest of your life, is powerful.  Immediately after a death, everything seems kind of surreal. You expect to see your loved one, or you want to talk to them, or you need their opinion on something. Not being able to pick up the phone and call them, or roll over in bed to snuggle, or fix them dinner is heartbreaking each time it happens, until you come to terms with your loss and surrender.

I am not encouraging you to forget them. They all are and will be a very special part of your life, but you will find that when you surrender to the lack of their physical presence, you will be able to take a deep breath. You will be able to focus on this moment, right now, and live only there. Lovingly reminisce about yesterday. Dream about all the wonders of your tomorrows. And right now, in this moment, live in gratitude for the one you loved, for the life you have, and for the possibilities waiting for you. Surrender to all things bright, and beautiful, and lovely, and keep your focus right here on the very special person you are and the wonderful present you create.

 

to join our Reclaim Your Joy Class, click here