journaling

Stuck

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When I read what people are saying in some of the grief groups I follow, I notice that many people are stuck in their grief. The gist of what I hear is that people feel that if they lighten up on their grief, they somehow will lose the connection with their loved one who died.  The people who express this seem so sad, unable to connect with their new situation of their loved one’s passing. They seem to feel that they must stay sad because being happy in their situation feels like a betrayal to their loved one.

I was writing the other day about how my husbands would like for me to deal with my life now. In the process of writing, I felt my husbands smiling at me, so I started to smile while I was writing. When that happened, I realized that my husbands would want me to be happy. I remembered how when we first got together, Ron was always telling me to smile.  I was so serious then. As I looked in the mirror, I could see how much better I looked when I was smiling, and that smiling actually was making me feel better, lighter, and happy.

All of us people grieving will experience periods of yearning or sadness.  The key is to recognize these feelings, experience them, thank them, then release them and smile even if smiling is a challenge.  When we stay stuck in these feelings, that is all we are concentrating on.  Time goes on, and we aren’t moving forward with it because all we can think about is our loved one. When you find yourself falling into this abyss, take a few slow, deep breaths to center yourself, and commit to yourself to release those feelings.  And when they come back, do this again.  The more you recognize what you are doing, the easier it will be to deal with your feelings.

Make your journal your friend.  When you start feeling that sadness, anxiety, or yearning, write about what you are feeling. Include why you are feeling the way you are right now. What triggered this feeling?  For instance, if whenever you eat apple pie, you remember how much your loved one loved apple pie and always had to have two servings each time you made it. You find yourself feeling blue when you remember this.  Take some time to explore this feeling. My main memory of apple pie was how much I enjoyed making apple pie because Ron loved it so much, and it made him smile. Instead of staying stuck in that sadness you I was feeling, I could smile at the happiness of the memory.  You will be amazed how you can shift your reaction to your memories in a positive way so that you can release the sadness and replace it with the good memory.

I challenge you to pick up your journal each time you start feeling the negative emotions and find the joy in the experience you remember. Focus on that joy, and in the process, release that sadness.  The more you do this, the happier you will become until you find yourself naturally feeling the happiness while releasing the negativity.

You can do this.  You can be happy.  Your loved one would want you to be happy.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Bereaved Mother’s Day

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I wrote an open letter to Moms who have had pregnancy losses, stillborn babies, and infants and young children who died.  I am sharing this letter with you today in case you are in this special sisterhood of moms, or if you know someone who is. Please share this message for any mom you know will be dealing with this loss on this and every Mother’s Day.

When we first start to think about having a baby, we picture the perfect little bundle we love to hold and rock. We prepare by learning everything we can about taking care of ourselves while pregnant and taking care of our precious baby when it arrives. We are not likely to be thinking that our experience will be less than perfect, but so often everything does not turn out the way we expected.

Something we don’t often think about is that the process of becoming a mother requires being brave. From the moment you become pregnant, and even before that if you are trying to get pregnant, you start showing signs of bravery like showing the strength you have to go through the physical process of being pregnant and having a baby, and to deal with all the emotions that come along with that. You have the courage to deal with changes in your body, in your relationships, and your finances. You have the strength to evolve into the mother you always wanted to be.  And you are devastated when things don’t turn out the way you planned. The good news is that when this happens, ultimately you will gain strength from dealing with your loss. I discovered writing about my baby was a great comfort to me when I needed it the most.

So it is the fall of 1969. After two years as an infertility patient, I am finally pregnant. I am so excited to tell my parents who had two granddaughters and were hoping that I would have a son. Mom and I had never talked much, but we do talk about this baby. She teaches me how to crochet, and the first thing I make is a baby blanket. My husband was pleased that we had finally succeeded, and the baby is on the way.

Then, I started bleeding. My doctor put me on bedrest and I strictly obeyed his instructions knowing I would do anything for this precious baby.  I was in bed for a month, except for going to his office once a week to get a shot of something that was supposed to help my situation.  Then one night, I knew that my time with this pregnancy was up and we went to the hospital. I didn’t really understand what was happening when it did, and when I asked, they just said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I asked to see the baby, and they wouldn’t let me. I asked if it was a boy or a girl, and they told me not to worry about that. I asked them what would happen to the baby now, and they wouldn’t tell me that either. I had lost so much blood that kept me in the hospital for a couple of days to build my strength. All the while, I was having nightmares about where my baby had been taken and why they wouldn’t let me see him. I just knew he was a boy. This was so long ago, and at that time, they thought keeping information from the mother was best for her.  Of course, we know now that it is not.

When I returned home, my husband stayed away, not talking to me about what had happened. I was sure he was disappointed in me because I had lost the baby. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage before, so I thought there must be something very wrong with me. I had no one to talk to, so I started writing to Matthew, my name for my baby.  The more I wrote to him, the better I felt. I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I hadn’t failed. My Matthew became my guardian angel.  I found comfort in my silent conversations with him, and I found my strength again. And eventually, I became pregnant again.  I knew this time that I would have a boy and that somehow Matthew knew him.  Later I had another baby, a girl this time. In the many moves I have had since then, that journal I wrote in disappeared, but I have continued throughout my life having my silent conversations with Matthew.

When we experience something as traumatic as the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, or a child, we often feel helpless with such a variety of feelings to deal with. If we choose to ignore those feelings and try to go on like nothing happened, we are likely to keep feeling worse, yet we may be afraid to deal with what has happened. To move forward in our lives, finding comfort after our loss is essential. Instead of hiding your feelings, try writing about them. You will discover that the more you write, the easier it is to deal with those feelings.

So now let me help you get started writing. No matter how recent your loss, now is the time to get a special journal just for writing about it. Write from the perspective as the mother you are. I am going to give you a list of things to write about to get you started. I have these questions on a handout for you, so for now, just listen to the ideas. Then we will take about 10 minutes to write about that one item.

 

  1. Write about how you felt when you discovered you were going to be a mom. Include all the details, positive and negative. What were your plans, your hopes, and dreams?  What were you doing to get ready? What kind of life were your planning for your child?
  2. Write about the experience of your loss. Include all the details. What happened? How did you handle it? Who was there for you?I know that recalling all this is hard, and it is painful.  Write about it anyway.  What happens is that when you keep all this experience in your mind, you can almost torture yourself with it, like I did when I didn’t know what happened with my baby. When you write out your experience, the process starts for you to be able to deal better with your loss.  You may need to write the experience several times in different ways focusing on different aspects of your loss. The more you write, the less you will have to write. Compare this to washing clothes.  They can start out very dirty, but the more you wash them, the cleaner and brighter they become.
  3. Write about things you would have loved to experience with your baby and follow through with this as time goes by exploring everything about your child.
  4. Write what you will tell other children you have about this baby they didn’t get to meet. Talk to them about the beauty of unconditional love that you share with all your children.
  5. Write on holidays and special days like when school would start. Talk to them about how they would like to dress up for Halloween or what they would love to get in their stockings for Christmas.
  6. Write about what activities they would enjoy growing up from sports to clubs, to art they would like to create.
  7. What would their experience as a teenager be? What college would they like to go to. What career would they like to have?
  8. Write them every birthday and every Mother’s Day. Those days are especially likely to bring up thoughts and feelings.

Matthew was due on Labor Day and would have turned 50 last Fall. I am grateful I have had him with me through our silent conversations throughout my life.

Let me finish by recalling one of my journal entries to him. You can see from this that over time, the thoughts your write of how life would have been with that child can bring your smiles instead of pain.

Dear Matthew,

It’s Labor Day and today would have been your eighth birthday. We are having our friends over to have a bar-b-q.  How you would have loved hamburgers and potato salad. I made a big, luscious chocolate cake with homemade vanilla ice cream, which I know would have been your favorite. I would love to have given you an easel and a whole set of paint since I know you love to create things. Your brother and sister would have loved to celebrate with you. You hold such a special place in my heart. I will always carry you there.

Love,

Momma

 

Now start your own journey with your child. Write all about everything you can think of related to your loss. And keep writing until you know that you don’t need to anymore.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Are You Dealing With Fear?

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“There are only two emotions: love and fear.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Throughout time, many philosophers and psychiatrists have said that the only two emotions are love and fear. There is even scientific research agreeing with that theory.  Kathleen Seeley told me that we are only born with two fears: fear of falling and a fear of loud noises.  Those two fears are part of what comes naturally to us to protect us. Any other fears are what we create or imagine.

I grew up with a terrifying fear of heights.  I convinced myself that the fear had been created by a fall I had out of a second story window when I was four years old. Even though I was that young, I still have vivid memories. I was criticized and made fun of because of my fear, and I even had a friend try to cure me by walking me to the edge of a balcony to show me that I had nothing to be afraid of.  It didn’t work.

I have worn glasses much of my life partially for a significant astigmatism so when I heard that Lasik eye surgery could fix that, I was thrilled to have it done. The surgery is done under local anesthetic, so when it was completed, I got up off the operating and had a miraculous experience.  Suddenly, the floor was where it was supposed to be.  I am sure that sounds strange, but I realized all my life I had been seeing though something like glasses with funhouse lenses causing me to perceive each step I took as stepping over the edge of a sharply bent floor.  At that moment I realized that my fear was not real. This caused me to look at my life differently, and to question when I started to feel fear.

I suggest that you think about anything that you feel afraid about and see if you can figure out what causes that fear and if it is something you can release. This can change your life.  I had the pleasure of attending a day long workshop with Byron Katie.  She taught us all how to do what she calls The Work. She developed this powerful method of questioning what you are feeling or believing that can be transformational for you.  Her questions are:

  1. Is it true? (Yes or no? If no, move to 3.)
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who or what would you be without the thought?”

You can find exactly how to do The Work by visiting her website: https://thework.com/

Fear is common in grief. A few things you might fear are:

  • Living by yourself for the first time.
  • Being responsible for taking care of your home, your car
  • Going out socially alone
  • Have no one to sleep with at night
  • A concern for having enough money or losing your medical insurance
  • Having no one to share your life with

You may not have even thought about these things in the context of fear, yet this is all fear. And the good news is, you can do something to change how you are feeling.  A good start would be to use Byron Katie’s The Work.  Or you can start by writing in your journal all the things that you are afraid of now, and what you can consciously release just by discovering that you have that fear.

In my case, after Ron died, I started reviewing how my life was different.  I was relieved to discover how grateful I was that I had learned how to release fear from Ron and Byron Katie, and that I am choosing to live in a state of love instead of in a state of fear. A quote I love by Jack Canfield is: “Feel the fear and take action anyway.”

And I love this quote from Rumi:

“If you want the moon, do not hide from the night. If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns. If you want love, do not hide from yourself.”

Your Path

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Paulo Coelho said, “Your decision to walk creates your path.”  When I read those words, I thought, “Well, I guess I’ll have to get off the couch then.”  When dealing with grief or loss, just sitting is so easy. We often lack motivation. We don’t see a reason to move, and all this does is make us stagnant. When water finds a place to settle where it won’t be moved along, that water collects stuff from litter, to dead insects, to dirt. Eventually, that water will smell. No longer will you be able to quench your thirst with it. You will likely want to move away from its presence.

Is that you? Moving from your comfy spot seems like too great an effort, and over time, that spot is not so comfortable anymore. Your skin can even start breaking down from the weight resting on it by just not moving.  That creates just one more thing to worry about and heal.

When you find yourself sedentary, try getting out your journal and writing about how you feel. What do you think is keeping you down?  Does your heart feel heavy? Does it seem that breathing is taking too much effort? This is a good time to pay attention. Try taking some slow deep breaths. Feel the comfort of the fresh air. Rub your hands together enjoying the warmth that brings.  Wiggle your toes and stretch your feet.

As you experience your body waking, stand up. Stretch. Reach up high.  Then relax your arms and roll your shoulders. Now you are ready to walk.  If weather permits, step outside and see where your walking takes you.  This walk is a metaphor for your path. With each step you take, imagine yourself stepping forward toward where you would love to be. Where are you going?

After Ron died, I found my path by writing. The more I wrote, the more I wanted to write. I wrote about many things from memories to dreams and eventually started asking myself where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do. Then this led me to know that I wanted to help others to get up off that couch and walk their walks, live their lives in ways that made them feel good and be happy.

I encourage you to get moving. Start thinking about what your next move is. Live your life one step at a time, relishing each step and savoring each moment. You can do this.  I have faith in you. Enjoy your journey on the path you create.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

Are Your Journaling?

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What good is a journal when you just write random things in it that no one else will ever see? My answer is: a journal is a lot of good!  The things that I hear most often from people who are grieving or dealing with loss is that they miss their loved one or they are lonely or both. A journal can help with that.

When Ron was still here, we sat on our lanai (Hawaiian for deck/porch) and had long conversations every day. We would talk about anything that popped into our minds, from how to help out someone we knew, to how we felt about something going on politically, to what to have for dinner, to when we would have our next party.  After he was gone, none of those things seemed important, and I felt very much alone.

After a while, I realized that I didn’t want to live in a state of sadness, yet I was struggling to think of anything that I could be positive about. I turned to my journal.  At that time, I I wasn’t even thinking in complete sentences, so I started writing lists. I would write a list of things that would make me happy. I wasn’t eating much and was losing weight, so I wrote lists of food I would enjoy if I ate it. I wrote a list of people I would love to hear from. And I wrote lists about anything I thought of.

At first my list making was just helping me to pass time, then I realized that I was starting to pay attention to what I was writing. I said I loved to walk on the beach, so I did that. I wrote that I would love to have some Cherry Garcia ice cream, so I did.  I wanted to hear from my friend, so I wrote to her. I didn’t have to do everything I wrote down. I was grateful to have an idea of what to do, of what could make me happy.

These small successes helped me to start waking up, so I started writing more in my journal. What came to me was to have a conversation with Ron.  I would write to him in great detail.   I had so much I wanted to tell him. I wrote to him about all I was doing to report the bad effects of the peritoneal dialysis her was doing to help the doctors to know that these things happened so they could monitor their patients for them and get them help. I wrote to him how I felt about our life together. The more I wrote, the more I had to write.

With this writing, the heaviness of the grief I was experiencing began to lift. I was able to breathe more easily.  I felt like I could start to talk to others again. I started to look toward my future. I explored ideas in my writing, and my writing comforted me. Then I started to write others to send them love and support for whatever challenges they were dealing with.

The more I wrote, more came to me. I started realizing I had more to do. And I would plan out my future in my journal. My journal became my invaluable friend. Now I can go back and read what I wrote in those early times, and I am grateful for the strength I gained by writing just for myself. Now I am grateful to write to others to help provide comfort and support.

You will be amazed how writing in your journal can support you on your journey. Just write out all you are feeling and allow it to help you move forward.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.

The Stories We Tell

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We all tell stories, but are we telling the truth in those stories? When we tell the story of the loss of our loved one, we may only tell part of the story leaving out what we think the person we are telling the story too wouldn’t be able to handle. Or we may share way more than the person we are talking to can handle. Think about stories you tell, and then think about why you are telling them.

Your stories can bring you the support you desire.  For instance, you may tell a story of your desire to spend more time with your friends. In that story, you may say only one or two friends are staying in touch with you. You can bemoan the fact no one else calls you or that you spend so much time alone. Think about how the person you are telling your story to will react to the story you are telling.  They could think “She sounds so sad.  I can’t handle being around that sadness now because I am barely hanging on.” Or they could think “I understand that loneliness, and I will do better at staying in touch.”  How you tell your story will affect what the results you will get will turn out.

When you change your story to something positive, you are more likely to get positive results.  For instance, when you tell your story about how you want to spend more time with your friends, try changing up your story to say something like “I loved before the pandemic how we used to get together to visit over a cup of coffee at our favorite café every Monday at 10 AM. I was thinking, we could still do that now.  Instead of the café, let’s facetime or Zoom at the same time, or even talk on the phone.”  If you heard that story from your friend, wouldn’t you say “Sure.  I would love to do that.  I do miss our time together. This would be a great way to catch up.”

Or you may tell the same story to every new person you come in contact to.  For instance, I could introduce myself as a widow who has had two husbands die. If you met me and I said that to you, what would your reaction be?  Chances are you may be kind yet have no desire to spend more time with someone dealing with so much loss. In this time of a pandemic, you have enough to deal with already.  But if I introduced myself as a person grateful to meet someone new, you would probably be more interested in getting to know me better.

What is your story now?  Are you telling the truth about who you are? Are you a person who loves real conversations? Do you hold back information that could help you share what you really want to? Or maybe you say way more than you meant to? Spend some time thinking now about how you would like others to perceive who you are. What stories can you tell to develop the relationships you would like to have?  What stories to you need to keep for yourself? Telling the stories that support the outcome you desire can go a long way to bring more joy into your life.

Try writing your stories in your journal. Often, writing out a painful story in detail can help you discover the truth in it while releasing the need for it to keep circulating in your mind making you sad or holding you back.  Years after I had a terrible experience, it kept surfacing in my thoughts. After I took the time to actually write it out with all the freighting details, I realized that I was able to let the story go. Nobody else saw what I wrote, and I was able to tear it up and throw it away.  I was amazed that after I got the story down on paper, I released all the feeling that went along with it.

Think about stories you tell, and then think about why you are telling them. How do your stories serve you? Sometimes the stories you tell can drive someone away. Your stories can also bring people closer. Telling your stories can bring you joy when you allow them to. Before you tell your story, ask yourself these questions. Does this story need to be told? And if it does, how can I tell it with love in a way it can bring joy?

Bring love and joy to others, and to you, with the stories you tell.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to [email protected] and giving me your email address.