Happiness

Practice Joy!

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I can hear you now. “I am grieving. There’s no joy in my life.” I can understand you feeling that way, but that’s not how you have to feel.

Right now, our country, and actually the world, is consumed with fear, despair, disease, and confusion. Where is the joy there?  We seem to have hit bottom, but let’s not stay there. The more we surround ourselves with the bad news, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the good news is, you are in control of what you focus on.

Today, right now, let’s focus on what is good in your life. Give your attention to that, and only to that all day. No news on tv. No newspapers. No negative conversations.  This is easier than you think. Turn on some great music that makes you feel good instead of the tv. Smile at anyone who starts a negative conversation and say, “How about we talk about something that makes you happy today?”

Now that you have eliminated negative distractions, let’s find some joy for you. Years ago, I found myself negative much of the time. That is where all my focus seemed to be, and it was pretty miserable. I consciously decided that I didn’t want to live that way. How freeing that was! You can do this too!

Try starting by doing a peaceful meditation. As you meditate, when you breathe in silently say love, and when you breathe out, silently say joy. Do this the full time of your meditation. When you finish, take a nice deep breath, smile, and open your eyes. Keep that smile throughout the day.

Now get out your journal or something to write on. Set your timer for ten minutes and start writing everything in your life that has brought you joy. Don’t stop to think about it, just write. Write anything and everything that comes to you. Don’t worry about spelling. Keep writing without pausing to think. Here’s the start of my list as an idea:

“When Ron first kissed me, when I bought my first home, my children, my house I love now on Maui, living on Maui, the dog I had as a child “Taffy,” my friends, tamale pie, the birds that sing in my yard, sunsets, toddlers laughing, puppies, walking on the beach, marrying Jacques, marrying Ron, writing each of my books, teaching others to write, my setting intentions group, Soul Sisters, Jazz, baroque music, Stephen Colbert, reading, writing . . . .”  I could go on for pages!

You may find when the timer goes off you want to write more because it feels so good to focus on all these wonderful things!  Keep writing for as long as you want to. And if you only write a couple of things, focus on them. Whenever I would start to feel down or distracted, I got out my list and read it, usually adding more things as I thought about them. Now, every day when I write in my journal, I write something that brought me joy that day.

As you focus on what is positive, as you only allow true, loving words in your presence, your joy will build and build. You can breathe easier. Everything will seem brighter, more beautiful. You discover yourself releasing negative feelings and memories and using you time to focus on what is already a kind and loving life.

Welcome to joy!

 

For a sneak peek at my book, click here!

Growing From Your Loss

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When someone you love dies, everything changes. Initially you have deep yearning for things to go to how they were when you both were healthy and living the life you dreamed of. Now you know that not possible, and you may be struggling to know what to do now. That happened for me. I set my intention to be inspired with what my next steps were supposed to be. 

My inspiration didn’t come all at once. Instead I moved forward one step at a time. I always loved writing, so that was my natural place to start. I wrote in my journal today. I didn’t worry about thinking of something to write about. I made lots of things that brought joy to my life in spite of my sorrow, and there was lots to write about. I still write things that bring me joy every day.  

I also write gratitude lists which also have never ending inspiration. People grieving can easily fall into the hole of negativity, of poor me. When you focus on joy and gratitude, that leaves less space for sorrow. And I do still write my gratitude lists everyday.

At the times I really wanted to talk to Ron, to have his guidance or his opinion about something, I wrote him a letter. I would pour my heart out just like I was talking to him. Those letters could get long! When I finished, I often wrote a letter from him back to me. I choose to think he’s inspiring my words, but even if this words come from deep in my heart or from the resources of the deep knowledge in my mind, I do find answers and inspiration in these letters. 

When Ron’s good friend Chappy died, I started writing his wife every week for the first year, a process that helped both of us.  And these letters inspired the book I wrote, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is being published by Mango Press. 

The growth through loss that I am experiencing is through writing. You growth can come through what you most love. The key is to focus on what is positive, what brings joy to your life. There’s no need to rush here, Baby steps can lead your way.  What do you love? What brings you joy? Do everything related to that.

Say you loved to cook, but you stopped when you just had you to cook for. That can be changed to I deserve beautiful healthy foods to nourish me, then find recipes for one, or create them. Save each new recipe you try to use again, and maybe that will even lead to a cookbook. I might just create one I can just print from my computer and share with my friends when they start cooking for one.

Maybe your refuge is your garden or your art or craft supplies. See how this ca inspire you. Any of these can keep you busy. Or maybe it’s time to change jobs, or take classes, or join an organization that interests you. A friend sent me a card long ago that said Bloom Where You’re Planted.  Take care of yourself now. Learn, grow, bloom!

 

For a sneak peak of my new book, click here!

My Mother’s Grief

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My Mom and Dad were married for 54 years. They were 18 when they got married in a small California town during the Depression. They spent their time together until Daddy got drafted into World War II.  When he came home, they were closer than ever. They spent years together active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, including Daddy being in leadership in the State of California including being State Commander. This required visits all over California, and they drove everywhere they went. On so many long trips, they saw many accidents on the road, and Mom would report them to me in detail, always saying that she knew that she and Daddy would someday be in one of those accidents and die together on the road. I hated when she said that, but I knew that she said it out of deep love. She couldn’t imagine living without him.

On the Sunday before Veteran’s Day in 1989, Daddy was the keynote speaker at the big community event held annually to honor all the Veterans from our town. Much beloved, he had a warm reception to his talk. The next evening, Mom called to say Daddy had been taken to the hospital. She wasn’t sure what was wrong, but they told her to go home and get some rest and to visit him in the morning.  I assured her that I would join her in the morning as I lived an hour away.  An hour later, she called to tell me that he had died.

I don’t think we are ever really ready for a death, but when it comes so suddenly, it is a shock. The rest of the week what a big celebration of his life and service. Porterville always has had a tradition of patriotism which included a huge parade and Band-o-Rama on Veterans day every year.  Mom and Dad had been in charge of that parade for many years. This year, the parade was done in Daddy’s honor. They had a beautiful old convertible with a black wreath at the start of the parade representing him not being there for the first time in so many years. Then he was honored again at the Band-O-Rama as the town’s best loved veteran.

Mom held up well during that week, or so we thought.  As I reflect, she hardly spoke at all, and I didn’t see her crying.  I went with her to make the funeral arrangements, and she was pretty silent there, too, so I did most of the talking.  The service was amazing. I have never seen so many people at a service. They had taps and a 21-gun salute at the graveside, and Mom was silent.

I had to leave at the end of the week.  I hated leaving her alone, but I had to go back to work and my family.  We stayed in touch and I stepped in to help with the Ambulance business she and Daddy owned together. She still didn’t talk much. She did play bridge every week with the same group she had played with since they all first got married. And she went to church sometimes. But I knew she spent much time alone. My daughter wanted a picture of the three of us taken for her birthday, and when I saw the proofs of all the shots from the photo studio, I realized that mom wasn’t smiling. And I also realized she hadn’t smiled at all since Daddy died.

Five years after Daddy’s death, I got a call that mom had been taken to the hospital. She had spent Thanksgiving with us and drove an hour to go home a couple of days later.  We had been shopping and she bought a new electric blanket. After she got home, she tried to put the blanket on her bed that Sunday evening and fell. This was before the time of cell phones and medical alerts. When she didn’t show up for bridge, her friends called her company and they went to check on here and found her on the floor badly dehydrated. Nothing was broken, but she just didn’t have the will to get up.

When she recovered enough to go home, I told her she had a choice to make. She could stay in her home with someone to stay with her all the time. She could stay with me. Or we could find a place for her at a facility for elders. She decided to come home with me. I enjoyed having her with me. We were able to have good talks sometimes. And she loved my husband who could get her to smile. And my daughter could get her to smile on occasion too. Then we discovered that she had an inoperable brain tumor. And because her doctor told me the diagnosis on the phone on his way to his vacation, I had to tell her. We held each other and cried a long time.

Then a miracle happened. Her smile came back on a regular basis. And she laughed. Jacques could get her laughing easily every day. He loved to laugh and she laughed with him. Then she decided that it was time for her to move back home. I arranged for people to stay with her and drove to see her and take care of things a few times a week. She finally was at peace because she knew the time was short until as she believed, she would be with Daddy and her mother again.

Reflecting now, I wish I could have done something more to bring her joy. She had visits from her minister and friends and her sister, but she just wasn’t happy living without Daddy. She is a big part of my inspiration to do the work I do now, helping others to deal with their grief in a way that will lead them to find joy and happiness in their lives. If you see yourself in my mother, please reach out. Know that you can have peace and joy in your life again. And if you see yourself in me as I dealt with my mother, do something about it.  I realize now that I was not dealing with my own grief and become tangled in the overwhelming busyness of trying to take care of everyone else. Spend time with loved ones. Find things to do that bring you joy. And most of all, take care of and love yourself.

My Last Kiss

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I remember clearly the last time I kissed Ron as he transitioned. I knew he was gone when no energy was exchanged between us. I was simply kissing what was already the memory of my love. Songs and poems are written about the bliss of a first kiss, but people rarely discuss the last one.

In grief people easily talk about missing holding hands and physical closeness, but sex tends to be taboo. This is unfortunate because the loss of deep intimacy commonly affects those of us who have lost a partner.  Popping us when you see someone kiss on television, or when you smell a fragrance reminding you of lost moments, or when you see a happy couple walking hand in hand, your reaction can range from tears to depression.

What can you do? First, recognize that what you are feeling is normal and should be expected.  If you have someone you can talk to about what you are feeling, then talk.  Don’t let fear or embarrassment get in your way. I imagine most of us may have a hard time starting that conversation though. I turn to my journal where there is no judgement.  I can express what I am feeling and explore what they mean to me. Pour your heart out to your journal and see where that leads.

A word of caution here is to not jump into bed with the first person you run into who is willing.  I know that sounds bold, but it isn’t uncommon.  Our libido is strong and can drive us to the arms of a stranger, but that can lead to complications when it’s over.  When the only sex you have been having has been with someone you love deeply, you might equate a sexual encounter with that love leading to feelings ranging from guilt to desperation. If you do choose to have casual sex, be sure your eyes are open.

After Jacques died, I was so lonely. I found myself imagining someone coming along to make me feel feminine and sooth my soul.  A friend called me and said he knew how hard it could be to go places alone, so that if I ever wanted a companion, he was available. I took him up on it, and when I needed a plus one or just didn’t want to go someplace alone, he was there for me. What came up for me that I didn’t expect was people talking about me, even when I could overhear what they were saying.  The gist of the unkind words was that it was too early for me to be dating and that I must have been glad my husband died so that I could move on. Yes, they really did say that. People can be so thoughtless and hurtful. I chose not to go out with anyone else at that time, though this kind man still remains my friend.

What you do with your body is only up to you to decide.  While other people’s opinions really don’t matter, they can affect what you decide.  I decided that my life didn’t need to be fodder for gossip, so it took me a long time to realize I did want to be with someone again.  I discovered that what I wanted most in life was to love and be loved, so that eliminated casual relationships for me.

When I met Ron, I was immediately smitten.  Yet I had difficulty dealing with the fact that though wedding vows say till death do you part, I didn’t feel unmarried, and I had to deal with that.  One night we were standing in the parking lot of the restaurant where we just had a flirty, luscious meal and talked for hours, and he looked into my eyes and said, “I am going to kiss you now.” That perfect soft and loving kiss was perfect and started our commitment to each other.

From our first kiss to our last, I had no desire to be with anyone but him.  Our love life was what he called our Sacred Energy eXchange and was perfect. Because of that, I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else, but I do still find myself longing for that perfect kiss, that physical closeness.  I don’t know where I will go from here, but I do know I will take good care of myself in the process, feeling and honoring the sexuality that doesn’t end with the death in a relationship. And it’s OK, and it’s nobody else’s business.

Surrender to What Is

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Are you upset, angry, frustrated, or depressed about the pandemic and the way it is being dealt with in our country? Let me ask you, do any of those emotions serve you?  When you are spending time with emotions that aren’t doing anything to make your life and the lives of others better in some way, why using your precious time in that way?

I understand that everything is not as we would love it to be at this point, so why not do something about it?  For instance, if you are upset or angry about how the government is dealing with the whole pandemic or any part of it, get out your journal.  Make a list of each thing someone else is doing that you feel is wrong.  Write it all down. Don’t stop writing until you have covered everything that ticks you off. When you finish your list, take a breath, or a few. Relax and release all that negativity from your consciousness.

Now, choose one item on that list to focus on.  How can you, just you, make a difference in whatever it is.  For instance, if you are frustrated that when you arrive at the grocery store, people aren’t wearing masks there or don’t keep their social distance, go to another store where they do.

I had to buy groceries yesterday. I haven’t been out in five weeks to do that and our cupboards were pretty bare.  Usually on Maui the traffic is a dream compared to the mainland.  The speed limits are lower and the drivers courteous.  Yesterday was crazy. People were speeding and dangerously cutting in and out of traffic.  I was going the speed limit and keeping appropriate distances, but lots of the drivers weren’t.  I decided to stay in the slow lane and practice good driving.  There is no way I could know if someone wasn’t rushing their passenger to the hospital, or someone was having a baby, or they were trying to get to a loved one who was dying. Getting angry with the crazy drivers would only make me upset and make my driving worse. I recognized that this was an anomaly and wished those anxious drivers well.

Another issue we are dealing with now is a lack of integrity or a lack of essential information being disseminated.  We could get angry and complain about this, but that wouldn’t serve us. What we can do is only pay attention to reliable resources and ignore the rest.  And find ways to deal positively with the situation we are in.  My neighbors left a beautiful arrangement of flowers from their yard on my doorstep. Another neighbor always picks up prescriptions when I need them.  We all call each other when we go to buy groceries to see if anything is needed.  Find positive, creative things to do to make where you are staying right now the best it can be.

I love that saying about making lemons into lemonade. When you start feeling yourself being drawn into the negativity, actively do something right then to change what you need to, like turn the television off. Focus on all the joy, beauty, wonder, and love we all can share. Only speak positively.  When you surrender to what is, make it be love.

Coincidence?

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Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!