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The Power of Your Words

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I’m sure you’ve heard someone say, “Be careful what you wish for!” Have you thought about what that means? When we wish for something, the universe grants that wish, whatever it is; however, how it is granted may not be what you thought you were asking for.

When you say, I know I will never be happy again since the love of my life died. When you say that, you never will be happy again. When you say I can’t afford a new home, or new car, or a trip, or even groceries, then that’s what happens. You can’t afford any of that. Now is any of that what you really want? I hear you yell NO! So why do you ask for it? I doubt that you think that’s what you are doing, but it is.

When I felt so alone after Jacques died, I thought about what I really wanted. I made a conscious decision to not ask for something specific, but actually to say, “I love and I am loved.” Notice what I didn’t say. I didn’t say “I want to,” rather I made the statement knowing that it was true right then, not some vague place in the future. And sure enough, I started noticing love in my life, love that was already there on so many levels, from friends and from family and love for things like my job teaching writing, that I had created a theatre, a school of arts, a gallery, a café. The more I thought about love, the more love I saw, and this prepared be to be fully ready for Ron when I met him. I recognized him right away as the romantic and deep spiritual love that I knew was waiting for me to see.

So how can you go about having what would make your life the best it can be? An easy way to start is to journal. Journal every day. Put journaling on your calendar or in your to do list and make no excuses to avoid writing. Start by writing what you need to do to unclutter your mind. You probably have thoughts floating around of not being worthy of what you want, thinking you can’t afford what you want, thinking you can’t have what you want. Instead of carrying thoughts like this around which get in the way of your true desires, write all that stuff down. When you read what you have written, you’ll see that it isn’t your truth. When you actually see it in writing, you then can release it. You can say “I am so much more than that! I do deserve what I want. I am worthy.” So, write all that down, how wonderful you are, how deserving.

Now, every day write the truth of what you want. If you are lonely, write “I am loved and I love unconditionally.” If you are wanting your ideal job, say “I am grateful for my skills, inspiration, and talent which insure the perfect job for me where I can make a beautiful difference in the world!” When you start saying that instead of that old story that you just can’t get a job, be ready for what comes to you. Recognize opportunities, and enjoy where they take you.

When you slip into the sadness that can come in grieving, instead of saying, “I am so sad,” or “I just can’t handle this,” get out your journal and write all about a beautiful memory of a time you spent with your loved one, or write about something you can do right now that brings you joy, whatever that is. When you write from a positive perspective, that’s what comes in your life. If you find yourself using negative language, notice that. Stop saying whatever it was. Consciously say to yourself, “I take that back,” and then restate your words with a positive focus. Eliminate words like can’t, won’t, don’t, and should from what you speak.

So I offer you this. Keep that appointment with yourself each day to write in your journal. Allow your journal to show you the beauty and joy of your life, and focus on that. When you do, when you look in the mirror, all you’ll see is beauty and joy!

I Just Can’t Think About Food

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Both times I dealt with the death of my husband, I stopped eating. I’m sure there is a lot of psychology that goes along with that, but the simple fact was that I just wasn’t interested in food. I was cocooned in my blanket on my bed, and I had no inspiration to get up and eat. I have heard many other grievers finding themselves in the same spot. I did eventually find my way out of bed, but I had no appetite, and there was nothing in the kitchen.  So what was I to do?

 

When Jacques died and I finally decided I needed to eat something, I decided to eat anything I wanted to. I know that sounds scary,  but it turned out what I wanted to eat was mashed potatoes, asparagus, and peanut butter, not all at the same time. I found some good already mashed potatoes in the deli section at the store and fortunately asparagus was in season. By eating as much as I wanted when I was in the mood, I never got really hungry, so I didn’t eat too much, so I lost weight, which was a good thing. It took me months to start eating a more regular, balanced diet.

 

When I met Ron, he was healthy and loved to eat, so the weight started to come back on. When he started having heart and kidney issues, we started eating vegetarian. As we researched how to deal with his health issues, we discovered that being vegan could really help him. He found a Vegan Chef certification program online for me, so within six months, I became a certified vegan chef. Although I loved to cook and had even owned my own café and catering company at one point, I learned so much.

 

So after Ron died, I found myself not eating again, and losing weight which again was a good thing. I decided to go back to being vegetarian instead of vegan, and I became very aware of what I ate. Eating consciously is what I called it.  I am happy with what I eat now, keeping it very simple. I have given up eating processed food and discovered that everything tastes better that way. I do most of my shopping at Farmer’s Market which is a joy in itself!

With this background, I am going to dedicate one blog I write for you each month to healthy eating focusing on preparing food in small portions instead of for a family. Of course, all the recipes can be expanded to serve more. The recipes this week will make 2 to 4 servings, depending on how much you eat at a time, and they both keep well in the refrigerator for a day or two. My focus is on providing easy ways for you to take care of yourself which is so important in transitioning through grief. I will post printable copies of the recipes I include in my blog in the free section of my web site. https://griefandhappiness.com/free/  This week I’ll show how to transform everyone’s favorite Tuna Salad into a vegetarian or vegan delight!

 

Tuna-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans

2 tablespoons chopped red onions

2 tablespoons chopped sweet pickles

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version)

½ to one teaspoon powdered or flaked  Nori (dried seaweed) This gives it the ocean flavor. You can usually find this in the Asian section of your grocery store.

Sea Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Rinse, drain, and dry the garbanzo beans. To assemble, use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans. Add all remaining ingredients and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite tuna salad favorites.

 

 

Egg-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans or 14 oz. firm tofu

I tablespoon Dijon mustard

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version) (don’t use mayo if using tofu)

2 tablespoons chopped green onions

½ teaspoon Indian or Hawaiian black salt (the black salt gives it the eggy flavor)

Fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Option ingredients for variety:

I cup cooked red lentils (optional)

2 tablespoons nutritional yeast

3 tablespoons fresh dill, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped dill or sweet pickles

A little fresh lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon or turmeric, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika

 

Choose to use either garbanzo beans or firm tofu.

If you are using garbanzo beans, rinse, drain, and dry. Use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans.

If you are using tofu, press the tofu to squeeze out any excess moisture. Crumble with your hands.

 

Add all remaining ingredients that you wish and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, avocados, radishes, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite egg salad favorites.

 

Let it go!

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When I was alone after Jacques died, the evenings were long and lonely. I had a hard time focusing on books or television, and I realized I longed for company. I started looking for somewhere to go or something to do so that I wouldn’t be around people who said, “Oh, that’s Emily. Her husband died.” I wanted to be anonymous and just fit in. Does this sound familiar?

 

Two years before Jacques died, I had let go of my business, a live theatre, school of arts, café, and art gallery. I had loved having that business, but when I realized that I needed to be with Jacques full time the last couple of years of his life, I was able to move away from the business and be home with Jacques. Returning to that business was not an option, so I needed to figure out what to do next.

 

I found a quilting class at a quaint little shop that I could walk to from my house. I had sewn all my life, so this wasn’t new. But I did get to learn new techniques and see the beautiful quilts everyone was creating. The class was relaxing, and I felt so creative. I didn’t know anyone in the class, and I didn’t make any effort to get acquainted with anyone. I was perfectly happy sewing and listening to my classmates stories.

 

One evening one of my classmates was telling about a beautiful, expensive, intricate quilt she had made for her son. You could hear the love in her voice as she described it. Then she told about how the unbelievable thing happened to her. She attended a big community picnic with her son and his family. And her son’s wife had the nerve to bring that quilt and put it on the ground for the family to sit on, and even share their picnic lunch on! She was appalled and heart broken. I’ll never forget how her friend in the class responded. She said, “Go home and get your dictionary out and look up the word gift. When you give something away, it isn’t yours anymore. You didn’t notice how proud your daughter-in-law was of that quilt that she wanted to show it off. She and your son treasure that quilt. Let it go!”

 

I felt like she had turned on a light bulb in my head!  At that moment, I let my wonderful business go. I had been feeling like since I had created it, spent all that money on it, and spent untold hours there and all that involved, that somehow it was still my baby. I realized right then it was not, and a palpable wave of relief washed over me. I was filled with gratitude for this gift.

 

And the bigger gift for me was realizing that letting things go created a wide open space for me. I stopped worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done, and realized that I was truly living in the moment. In the moment, there is no room for the baggage of what no longer served me. I felt clear and fresh and ready for the rest of my journey.

 

So my gift to you is the reminder to release everything that doesn’t serve you. Let it go! And revel in the joy of the results.

 

P.S. This picture is of a quilt I designed and made by hand after I took that class. It took me two years to finish. I used Hawaiian style motifs that I cut myself. Traditionally, Hawaiian quilts are made of one huge motif, but I couldn’t decide what I liked best, so I made small squares I could easily do on my lap in the evenings. You’ll see turtles, dolphins, breadfruit, hibiscus, pineapple, and anthurium squares. Working on creative projects is a great way to help with grieving!

The Great, Great Gift

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In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!

You Wish!

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Do you ever think about how you wish your life was different? How you wish you were more in control of your life? I used to do just that. I would add more junk mail to the pile that I know I’d get around to reading later. I would climb back into the bed because it wasn’t made anyway and it looked so inviting. I would eat one more serving of what I made for dinner because then I wouldn’t have to put it away. I would skip flossing my teeth because I could always do it tomorrow. Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you can fix it!

 

How would you like your life to be different? Make a list of what you would really like. Then look at that list one item at a time. Let’s say you always feel tired and never get enough sleep or you get too much. You have identified a problem you have, and you know your life would be ever so much better if you could solve it. So the answer is, develop a new habit. You may go to bed at irregular hours, or got to bed too early or too late. You may watch TV, play games on your phone, or read until late into the night. Then when you get up, you are tired, so you don’t make the bed, and later that open bed looks so inviting that you climb back in for a short nap that may not be so short.

 

When you decide you really want more energy, decide to start a new habit. Set a specific time you want to go to bed by every night then do it. No excuses. Do it without your tv, your phone, your light, or your book. Meditate and practice conscious breathing. Instead of counting sheep, count things you are grateful for, and go to sleep. This may see hard at first, but as you cultivate the habit, it will become easier every night. Then every morning as soon as you get up, let the first thing you do be to make your bed. You won’t want to mess up that neat bed by day sleeping, and that will make it easier for your to fall asleep at night. If you get tired in the day, find a peaceful place to sit up straight, close your eyes and meditate. When your meditation is finished, you will feel refreshed and ready to go on about your day.

 

When you have one new habit established, decide the next thing you want to tackle. Throw out your junk mail before you add it to a pile. Serve yourself a reasonable portion of food and put the rest away before you eat so you won’t be tempted to overeat. Floss your teeth every time you brush (it really doesn’t take that much time!)

 

What would make your life better? What would make you happier? What would make you feel more in control? Choose what new habits you can start to make things better and start them. Some habits have a bad reputation of not being good for you so you may avoid all habits, but you don’t have to. Good habits can bring you the peace you desire. They can help you keep your surroundings in order. And they can make you happy. Just imagine how good it will feel every day to start out with your bed made, your teeth clean, and your clutter in the trash. And think how good it will feel to identify what your challenges are and figure out what kind of a habit you can create to eliminate those challenges so that you don’t even have to think about them anymore.

 

So get started, now! What are you going to do to rock your world?

Thanksgrieving

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We all grieve. Everyone loses someone or something critical, and those losses come back to remind us of our grief on the holidays. We can choose to deep dive into that grief and be miserable, or we can choose to do something with those memories that can bring us joy.

I choose joy. While I cherished being with my loved ones for the holidays, now I find others to make the holidays special. On Thanksgiving, I invite people to join me who don’t have someplace to go. I get the pleasure of preparing a big Thanksgiving dinner with my son Jason’s help. He loves to cook the turkey. I fix mostly the menu my family always did. And to remember my loved ones who won’t be joining us, I fix something special for each of them.

Thanksgiving was Jacques’ very favorite holiday, so the turkey is special to remember him by. I always cook it in a Reynolds turkey cooking bag to keep it nice and juicy. Even though I’m vegetarian, I know my guests aren’t. My mother-in-law Fran was famous for her cornbread stuffing, so we have to have that! Mom always made what she called Waldorf salad that was just bananas, apples, walnuts, and mayonnaise. I make that for her, though I frequently the only one who eats it (and I love it!). I make sweet potatoes for me! I just wrap them in foil and put them in the oven with the turkey. And for dessert, Ron had to have apple pie. Of course, he wanted apple pie for every holiday, and any other day in between. And when Abby, my daughter, joins us, we have to have cherry pie.  I made it one year on Washington’s birthday, and she wants it for every holiday since them. If you don’t have a big dinner, have something special just for you, even it’s your mother’s jello salad or your own pumpkin pie.

The best part of the day is when everybody says what they are thankful for before we eat. Focusing on gratitude is what the holiday is all about. You can do this on your own, too.  On Thanksgiving Day, I like to do a whole journal entry on what I am grateful for. My list just keeps getting longer. Before I started creating gratitude lists, I found that I was finding ways to feel sorry for myself and being alone. Focusing on the negative didn’t help at all. So the more I wrote gratitude lists, the better I felt. Now every day I include thing I am grateful for in my journal every day.

At the end of the day, I can just feel my departed loved ones being grateful that I am remembering them with joy on Thanksgivin