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Stuck

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Do you feel stuck in your grief? Do you sometimes feel like things will never be better than they are right now? Do you long for the way things were before your loss? Do you think you will never feel whole again or even feel better? Did you know that usually all these thoughts come from your monkey mind, what Eckhart Tolle calls “the voice in your head”? And I hear you say, “But I don’t want to feel this way! Why would I do this to myself?” And the answer is, you are letting that monkey mind run amuck.

That voice in our head is frequently like background music that is constantly running. And you can do something about it. First, recognize that it is there and that basically it’s just trying to help. So I invite you to take a moment right now to listen to what it is telling you. You may be having a bad day and feel alone. Your monkey mind may be saying something like “Oh, poor me. I am so alone and being alone makes me feel so bad.  All I want to do is cry even though I know that doesn’t help.” So let’s take a look at what she said from the perspective of this very moment. First, are you “poor”? Probably not. You have a home to live in, food to eat, and some friends and family. Next, right now do you have to be alone? In this moment, can you decide to take some flowers from your yard to a neighbor? Or you could email a friend. Or you could send a note of support to someone. So right there are 3 different people you can be in contact with so that you are not alone. And next, do you really feel bad? If you do feel bad, make a list of 10 things that make you feel good, then start doing them. You will be too busy to feel bad. And the last thing she said was about crying. If you do feel like crying, cry, right now. If you can’t just cry at this moment, maybe you don’t really need to. And if you do cry at this moment, cry it out. The tears can wash away what has been building up, and when you are done, you can have a fresh start in this moment.

Now it’s time to make friends with that monkey mind. Decide to work together toward your good. Thank your monkey mind and give it some love. As with any relationship, nurturing it will make it stronger and allow more joy in your life.

When you get those stuck feelings, pay attention. Write the feelings down and examine if they are true. If they aren’t true, let them go. If they are true, now you can go about healing or fixing, or whatever you need to do to make things better. The key is to live only in truth and to take good care of yourself. Fully embrace yourself with love.

 

 

Smile

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Comedian Bill Mahar ends his act on stage after each performance by singing silent film star Charlie Chaplin’s song Smile. The night I saw him, Woody Harrelson came on stage with him to play the piano and sing with him, and Paul Simon came on to sing with him too. What a treat! But when he announced that they would sing that song, I thought it was an odd choice because as I had heard the song throughout my life, I always thought it was kind of sad, and this was a comedy show.

When I woke up this morning with the music to the song running through my head, I decided I would look up the lyrics. I realized that the music came to me because that was just what I needed to hear today. Here they are for you:

Smile

Music by Charles Chaplin, Lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

https://www.charliechaplin.com/en/articles/42-Smile-Lyrics

Scientific research shows that smiling actually affects your brain chemistry. The act of smiling works to lift your mood activating feelings of joy and happiness. When you smile big activating all the muscles in your face, you will notice the difference. And the more you smile, the more you will want to smile. “Smiling relaxes the facial muscles and calms the nervous system. Laughing sends more oxygen to the brain. That triggers the release of brain chemicals called endorphins. These chemicals help us feel positive. Laughing can lower blood pressure, relieve stress, and boost mood.” Robert Provine

Try this: take a deep breath in and smile big, then slowly breathe out, relaxing and maintaining your smile. Don’t you just feel better? And try this: look at someone who is talking to you right in the eyes and smile big. They may ask you what you are doing, but more likely, they will start smiling along with you. Seeing smiles inspires smiling, so not only will your spirits be lifted, but so will those of who you are around.

So today, every time you pass a mirror or your reflection in a window, have that be a reminder to smile. The more you smile, the more you will want to smile, and notice how good it feels!

The Power of Your Words

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I’m sure you’ve heard someone say, “Be careful what you wish for!” Have you thought about what that means? When we wish for something, the universe grants that wish, whatever it is; however, how it is granted may not be what you thought you were asking for.

When you say, I know I will never be happy again since the love of my life died. When you say that, you never will be happy again. When you say I can’t afford a new home, or new car, or a trip, or even groceries, then that’s what happens. You can’t afford any of that. Now is any of that what you really want? I hear you yell NO! So why do you ask for it? I doubt that you think that’s what you are doing, but it is.

When I felt so alone after Jacques died, I thought about what I really wanted. I made a conscious decision to not ask for something specific, but actually to say, “I love and I am loved.” Notice what I didn’t say. I didn’t say “I want to,” rather I made the statement knowing that it was true right then, not some vague place in the future. And sure enough, I started noticing love in my life, love that was already there on so many levels, from friends and from family and love for things like my job teaching writing, that I had created a theatre, a school of arts, a gallery, a café. The more I thought about love, the more love I saw, and this prepared be to be fully ready for Ron when I met him. I recognized him right away as the romantic and deep spiritual love that I knew was waiting for me to see.

So how can you go about having what would make your life the best it can be? An easy way to start is to journal. Journal every day. Put journaling on your calendar or in your to do list and make no excuses to avoid writing. Start by writing what you need to do to unclutter your mind. You probably have thoughts floating around of not being worthy of what you want, thinking you can’t afford what you want, thinking you can’t have what you want. Instead of carrying thoughts like this around which get in the way of your true desires, write all that stuff down. When you read what you have written, you’ll see that it isn’t your truth. When you actually see it in writing, you then can release it. You can say “I am so much more than that! I do deserve what I want. I am worthy.” So, write all that down, how wonderful you are, how deserving.

Now, every day write the truth of what you want. If you are lonely, write “I am loved and I love unconditionally.” If you are wanting your ideal job, say “I am grateful for my skills, inspiration, and talent which insure the perfect job for me where I can make a beautiful difference in the world!” When you start saying that instead of that old story that you just can’t get a job, be ready for what comes to you. Recognize opportunities, and enjoy where they take you.

When you slip into the sadness that can come in grieving, instead of saying, “I am so sad,” or “I just can’t handle this,” get out your journal and write all about a beautiful memory of a time you spent with your loved one, or write about something you can do right now that brings you joy, whatever that is. When you write from a positive perspective, that’s what comes in your life. If you find yourself using negative language, notice that. Stop saying whatever it was. Consciously say to yourself, “I take that back,” and then restate your words with a positive focus. Eliminate words like can’t, won’t, don’t, and should from what you speak.

So I offer you this. Keep that appointment with yourself each day to write in your journal. Allow your journal to show you the beauty and joy of your life, and focus on that. When you do, when you look in the mirror, all you’ll see is beauty and joy!

I Just Can’t Think About Food

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Both times I dealt with the death of my husband, I stopped eating. I’m sure there is a lot of psychology that goes along with that, but the simple fact was that I just wasn’t interested in food. I was cocooned in my blanket on my bed, and I had no inspiration to get up and eat. I have heard many other grievers finding themselves in the same spot. I did eventually find my way out of bed, but I had no appetite, and there was nothing in the kitchen.  So what was I to do?

 

When Jacques died and I finally decided I needed to eat something, I decided to eat anything I wanted to. I know that sounds scary,  but it turned out what I wanted to eat was mashed potatoes, asparagus, and peanut butter, not all at the same time. I found some good already mashed potatoes in the deli section at the store and fortunately asparagus was in season. By eating as much as I wanted when I was in the mood, I never got really hungry, so I didn’t eat too much, so I lost weight, which was a good thing. It took me months to start eating a more regular, balanced diet.

 

When I met Ron, he was healthy and loved to eat, so the weight started to come back on. When he started having heart and kidney issues, we started eating vegetarian. As we researched how to deal with his health issues, we discovered that being vegan could really help him. He found a Vegan Chef certification program online for me, so within six months, I became a certified vegan chef. Although I loved to cook and had even owned my own café and catering company at one point, I learned so much.

 

So after Ron died, I found myself not eating again, and losing weight which again was a good thing. I decided to go back to being vegetarian instead of vegan, and I became very aware of what I ate. Eating consciously is what I called it.  I am happy with what I eat now, keeping it very simple. I have given up eating processed food and discovered that everything tastes better that way. I do most of my shopping at Farmer’s Market which is a joy in itself!

With this background, I am going to dedicate one blog I write for you each month to healthy eating focusing on preparing food in small portions instead of for a family. Of course, all the recipes can be expanded to serve more. The recipes this week will make 2 to 4 servings, depending on how much you eat at a time, and they both keep well in the refrigerator for a day or two. My focus is on providing easy ways for you to take care of yourself which is so important in transitioning through grief. I will post printable copies of the recipes I include in my blog in the free section of my web site. https://griefandhappiness.com/free/  This week I’ll show how to transform everyone’s favorite Tuna Salad into a vegetarian or vegan delight!

 

Tuna-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans

2 tablespoons chopped red onions

2 tablespoons chopped sweet pickles

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version)

½ to one teaspoon powdered or flaked  Nori (dried seaweed) This gives it the ocean flavor. You can usually find this in the Asian section of your grocery store.

Sea Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Rinse, drain, and dry the garbanzo beans. To assemble, use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans. Add all remaining ingredients and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite tuna salad favorites.

 

 

Egg-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans or 14 oz. firm tofu

I tablespoon Dijon mustard

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version) (don’t use mayo if using tofu)

2 tablespoons chopped green onions

½ teaspoon Indian or Hawaiian black salt (the black salt gives it the eggy flavor)

Fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Option ingredients for variety:

I cup cooked red lentils (optional)

2 tablespoons nutritional yeast

3 tablespoons fresh dill, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped dill or sweet pickles

A little fresh lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon or turmeric, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika

 

Choose to use either garbanzo beans or firm tofu.

If you are using garbanzo beans, rinse, drain, and dry. Use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans.

If you are using tofu, press the tofu to squeeze out any excess moisture. Crumble with your hands.

 

Add all remaining ingredients that you wish and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, avocados, radishes, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite egg salad favorites.

 

Let it go!

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When I was alone after Jacques died, the evenings were long and lonely. I had a hard time focusing on books or television, and I realized I longed for company. I started looking for somewhere to go or something to do so that I wouldn’t be around people who said, “Oh, that’s Emily. Her husband died.” I wanted to be anonymous and just fit in. Does this sound familiar?

 

Two years before Jacques died, I had let go of my business, a live theatre, school of arts, café, and art gallery. I had loved having that business, but when I realized that I needed to be with Jacques full time the last couple of years of his life, I was able to move away from the business and be home with Jacques. Returning to that business was not an option, so I needed to figure out what to do next.

 

I found a quilting class at a quaint little shop that I could walk to from my house. I had sewn all my life, so this wasn’t new. But I did get to learn new techniques and see the beautiful quilts everyone was creating. The class was relaxing, and I felt so creative. I didn’t know anyone in the class, and I didn’t make any effort to get acquainted with anyone. I was perfectly happy sewing and listening to my classmates stories.

 

One evening one of my classmates was telling about a beautiful, expensive, intricate quilt she had made for her son. You could hear the love in her voice as she described it. Then she told about how the unbelievable thing happened to her. She attended a big community picnic with her son and his family. And her son’s wife had the nerve to bring that quilt and put it on the ground for the family to sit on, and even share their picnic lunch on! She was appalled and heart broken. I’ll never forget how her friend in the class responded. She said, “Go home and get your dictionary out and look up the word gift. When you give something away, it isn’t yours anymore. You didn’t notice how proud your daughter-in-law was of that quilt that she wanted to show it off. She and your son treasure that quilt. Let it go!”

 

I felt like she had turned on a light bulb in my head!  At that moment, I let my wonderful business go. I had been feeling like since I had created it, spent all that money on it, and spent untold hours there and all that involved, that somehow it was still my baby. I realized right then it was not, and a palpable wave of relief washed over me. I was filled with gratitude for this gift.

 

And the bigger gift for me was realizing that letting things go created a wide open space for me. I stopped worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done, and realized that I was truly living in the moment. In the moment, there is no room for the baggage of what no longer served me. I felt clear and fresh and ready for the rest of my journey.

 

So my gift to you is the reminder to release everything that doesn’t serve you. Let it go! And revel in the joy of the results.

 

P.S. This picture is of a quilt I designed and made by hand after I took that class. It took me two years to finish. I used Hawaiian style motifs that I cut myself. Traditionally, Hawaiian quilts are made of one huge motif, but I couldn’t decide what I liked best, so I made small squares I could easily do on my lap in the evenings. You’ll see turtles, dolphins, breadfruit, hibiscus, pineapple, and anthurium squares. Working on creative projects is a great way to help with grieving!

The Great, Great Gift

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In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!