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These Times are Not Normal

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What unusual times we are living in right now.  I never dreamed that our country would experience the type of hate, disrespect, and violence we are now. Some days I feel overwhelmed by yet one more outlandish act that has occurred. But as soon as I start to think that direction, I remember the commitment that I made to myself that I live my life based on love, fully and completely.

Getting absorbed into the sensationalism that comes along with unimaginable things that have occurred this year is an easy trap to fall into, so it is imperative for us to keep our eyes open and write our own script. Instead of worrying and crying about the results of the pandemic, what can we do with our love to bring comfort and support to those affected? Instead of rioting in rage at the senseless shootings and violence, what can we do with our love to peacefully demonstrate and make positive changes? Instead of complaining about the political situation going on, what can we do with love to help get people out to vote and work on positive goals to help everyone?

Michelle Norris said, “Hate is fear in a different octave.” A truth I have learned in my life is that there are only two true emotions, love and fear. Essentially, then, hate is an element of fear. Since I have chosen to lead my life in love, I no longer can dwell on fear or hate. Looking at life that way, I am choosing for my actions to be based in love.

Those of us who are dealing with grief and loss often drift into despair. When we do that, we are forgetting to love ourselves. When we get lost in the anger that came from the doctor not making the diagnosis sooner, or fury with the driver who caused the accident, or the disappointment in our own body that didn’t hang on to a pregnancy, or our loved one who wouldn’t quit smoking, drinking, or overeating, that doesn’t serve us. Those things all happened in the past, and the only time we can do anything is in this moment right now. This is the moment when you can choose to focus on love, the love you feel about your loved one, and the love you are now nurturing yourself with.

Look at how you feel right now.  Are you serving yourself, loving yourself?  If not, spend some time exploring that idea through meditation, journaling, or prayer.  You can feel much better when you choose to.

Sending you so much love.

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!

Someone Else’s Loss

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Saying the right things to someone who is grieving can be a challenge. In the awkwardness following a death, sometimes people just don’t know what to say, so many times they don’t say anything, and I guarantee, that is not helpful. The most likely thing someone will say is “I’m sorry for your loss.” I remember years ago when the phase “Have a nice day” got popular all of the sudden. When you parted company with anyone, they were likely to say, “Have a nice day.” I first I thought that was a pleasant thing for people to do, until it became a constant drone that lost its meaning. That’s where “I am sorry for your loss” is now. People seem to think that any time they hear someone has died, those words must be spoken out of courtesy before anything else is said. I would really love if no one ever said “I’m sorry for your loss” again. Just saying these words doesn’t help anything except maybe for the person saying them that feels their obligation is now out of the way.

I heard a veteran say that she felt the same way about “Thank you for your service.” She said, “If that person was so grateful, they could give me a job, and then I’d feel the gratitude.” I have heard that for military personnel and veterans, they better thing to say is “Never forget.” I like that. If someone said something like, “I’ll never forget Ron and what a special person he was,” I would appreciate that thought. And don’t let your discomfort get in the way of showing up for your friend who needs you. With society’s attitude toward death, it’s easy to run the other way when it occurs, but that doesn’t help your friend who is experiencing the worst time of his or her life right now, and it doesn’t help you. Step up, be brave, and do what you can for your friend. And you may not need to say anything. Just listen and bring chocolate.

Here is a list of things that will be good for you to express to your friend:

Acknowledge the pain. Sometimes the griever will think they are the only one who has ever hurt like this. Tell them that their pain is real, that we all experience it at times of our lives, and let them know that you would be happy to listen.

Tell them that you don’t know what to say, and that you care, and you love them.

Tell them the favorite thing you remember about the person who died: their smile, their laugh, and events that you shared. Tell them anything positive you remember.

Let them know you will listen, then listen without judgement or advice. Sometimes we need to just express what we are feeling and know someone hears us.

Tell them if you would be happy to come stay with them for a few days or longer.

Ask them to talk to you about their loved one any time they want.

Tell them that they don’t have to talk, that you will just sit by them and be there for them.

Tell them you are so sorry that they have to go through this.

Let them know that they are in your prayers.

There are lots more things you can say. Just express yourself from the heart. Trust that you will know what to say. Be honest, be kind, be loving, and the best words will come to you. Keep in mind that when you are expressing yourself or offering advice that what you say needs to be about the person you are talking to.

What else can you do to help? My best answer is: something. The thing I heard more than anything else was “Just let me know if you need anything.” Please stop saying this now. They aren’t going to call you, of if they do, it’s likely to be at a point where they really need you right then and you may not be available. Instead, be proactive. Take them food, flowers, or little gifts weeks or months after the death. Let them know they are remembered. If you are taking food to someone who lives alone, a giant casserole is not a good idea, but that casserole divided into individual servings and wrapped for the freezer would be much appreciated.

Sometimes we let our fear hinder us from doing what we would like to or what we think is best. This is not the time to let fear get in your way. Go to your friend and offer to listen, offer to help, offer to just be there. The most important thing is to stay in touch. Share your love and support, and make the most of this very special time.

 

 

 

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Anticipatory Grief: The In Between

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Everything seems to be up in the air. Each morning when I wake up, I question what will happen now.  Questions fill my thoughts about all the people getting sick and maybe dying in the pandemic, people demonstrating because of people dying at the hands of the law enforcement who is supposed to protect us, and people dying who do not have access to adequate medical care because of the pandemic. And on top of that, the people I know who are dying right now are because of cancer. In all these instances, we as a culture right now are dealing with Anticipatory Grief. What does that mean, and what can we do?

Anticipatory grief comes before a death or a great loss. When you discover that someone you love has been given a terminal diagnosis, that anticipatory grief starts right then. Anticipatory grief can also occur when you just think of something that may happen. My dear Black friend who has four sons has bouts of anticipatory grief when she just hears about George Floyd or Elijah McClain or Rayshard Brooks, or way too many more Black men killed by police. Or it may happen when you look in your elderly mother’s eyes and you wonder how much longer she will be with you.

When you deal with anticipatory grief, you are likely to have a constantly shifting range of feelings which keep you off balance so that you never quite know what is actually happening. Before Ron died, he lost 37 pounds in one week and became very weak, yet when I looked at him, I saw the handsome strong man I had always loved.  I was shocked later when I saw a picture of him taken at that time which showed a weak, emaciated man, not my Ron. We tend to see what our hearts want to see. I dealt with my anticipatory grief by staying so busy with his care that I didn’t allow myself to think that soon I would no longer have those tasks to keep me busy. I vacillated between holding on and letting go.

One thing that is certain is that more grief will enter your life. The experience you are having now may help you prepare for it, or it may have the opposite effect of terrifying you at the thought of having that experience again. Recognizing when grief may be coming can allow you to start deal with it before the situation is acute. The most important two things to deal with at this time are spending the best quality time possible with your loved one and take the best possible care of you.

Ron and I did very well by always focusing on the present moment. We would talk or meditate or just sit together.  He was given a book for his birthday a month before he died. He really wanted to read it, but his eyes just didn’t work very well, so I read the whole book to him. That time together was so precious. Take time to say everything you want to say, ask everything you want to know, forgive anything that is left hanging, and be sure you know your loved one’s wishes about everything important.

Take very good care of your physical and emotional health. Seek out others in similar situations and hear their stories. Often, we think we are the only one to experience something like this and that no one understands how we feel, yet that’s not the truth. Your experience is unique to you, but there are lots of people out there with similar experiences you can learn from. Join Facebook Groups or Death Cafes or support groups. Read good books or blogs. Be sure to bathe. I remember one time Ron insisted that I take a shower. I was shocked at the moment, then realized that I really did need to. That I needed to pay attention to me. I also would forget to eat, and I had two bad falls that slowed me down because I was just moving too fast. Take a deep, hard look at yourself and discover what is most important to you and focus on that.

You also can help others whom you see entering this territory. Just letting someone know that they have your support and that you are looking out for them can give them so much comfort.

Together we form a family of love, care, and support for each other. In these shifting times, let us focus together on how we ca help more, give more, learn more, and love more. I love you, my friend.

A Pressure Cooker Can Explode

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I remember looking forward to 2020, knowing that the future was bright and amazing things were going to happen.  What a surprise that those amazing things were not the positive changes I was anticipating.  Our world and our lives seem to have been turned upside down as well as shaken around. Add with our personal loss on top of that, and we are cruising toward personal disaster – if we allow that.  The key here is to recognize what is happening and know that we don’t have to sink into it all.

As I write this, I am outside surrounded by singing birds, blue skies, green grass, trees, and flowers.  I am sipping a luscious cup of tea and contemplating what is most important to me right now. My joy at this moment is that my sister, who has been in the hospital all week, had a procedure this morning that shocked her heart back into rhythm, she can breathe easily, and she can go home from the hospital today.  I am so thrilled with this news, and it helped me put things into perspective.

On a larger scale, we are still dealing with the pandemic.  And in the process of this, we are witnessing an outpouring of love and creativity to deal with all the facets of the crisis. Health care workers are being noticed, loved, appreciated, and respected on a grand scale, while in the past, they frequently were not noticed.  Parents are learning the value of our teachers and schools through practical experience with their children. People are volunteering and donating on a gigantic scale. We are working together to discover new ways to feed people. And we are discovering the importance and value of all kinds of work in society that we had, as a whole, generally ignored in the past.

And now we are dealing with the aftermath of the tragic death of George Floyd. Our nation is waking up to the fact that as we think we have come a long way from slavery times, we have not.  This death, especially at the hands of law enforcement who are supposed to be there to serve and protect, is a lynching none the same. This despicable act has served to awaken the people.  The demonstrations are no longer monochromatic.  People from all walks of life are standing side by side asking for justice for all and an end to senseless violence. The vast majority of the protesters are peaceful and coming together to wake us all up. And while some looting and violence is happening, this is just evidence of extreme frustration.

A pressure cooker works by expelling air and trapping steam to cook the contents quickly at higher temperatures, and if that steam is not released, the pressure cooker will explode. Through 2020, our country has become a pressure cooker where the temperature has become so high and the steam so full that if we can’t find a way to slowly release that steam safely, we are risking an explosion of a size we have not imagined before.

My prayer is for us to band together to demonstrate love, service, and support. Know that every one of us breathes the same air to stay alive. Let’s not pollute that air with violence and hate. Take care of yourself during this challenging time.  With each breath you take, breath in love, and breathe out all that doesn’t serve you. When every one of us focuses on love, we can make a difference. We can make the change so needed today to make 2020 be remembered as the year we all woke up and made the world a better place.

 

 

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Surrender to What Is

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Are you upset, angry, frustrated, or depressed about the pandemic and the way it is being dealt with in our country? Let me ask you, do any of those emotions serve you?  When you are spending time with emotions that aren’t doing anything to make your life and the lives of others better in some way, why using your precious time in that way?

I understand that everything is not as we would love it to be at this point, so why not do something about it?  For instance, if you are upset or angry about how the government is dealing with the whole pandemic or any part of it, get out your journal.  Make a list of each thing someone else is doing that you feel is wrong.  Write it all down. Don’t stop writing until you have covered everything that ticks you off. When you finish your list, take a breath, or a few. Relax and release all that negativity from your consciousness.

Now, choose one item on that list to focus on.  How can you, just you, make a difference in whatever it is.  For instance, if you are frustrated that when you arrive at the grocery store, people aren’t wearing masks there or don’t keep their social distance, go to another store where they do.

I had to buy groceries yesterday. I haven’t been out in five weeks to do that and our cupboards were pretty bare.  Usually on Maui the traffic is a dream compared to the mainland.  The speed limits are lower and the drivers courteous.  Yesterday was crazy. People were speeding and dangerously cutting in and out of traffic.  I was going the speed limit and keeping appropriate distances, but lots of the drivers weren’t.  I decided to stay in the slow lane and practice good driving.  There is no way I could know if someone wasn’t rushing their passenger to the hospital, or someone was having a baby, or they were trying to get to a loved one who was dying. Getting angry with the crazy drivers would only make me upset and make my driving worse. I recognized that this was an anomaly and wished those anxious drivers well.

Another issue we are dealing with now is a lack of integrity or a lack of essential information being disseminated.  We could get angry and complain about this, but that wouldn’t serve us. What we can do is only pay attention to reliable resources and ignore the rest.  And find ways to deal positively with the situation we are in.  My neighbors left a beautiful arrangement of flowers from their yard on my doorstep. Another neighbor always picks up prescriptions when I need them.  We all call each other when we go to buy groceries to see if anything is needed.  Find positive, creative things to do to make where you are staying right now the best it can be.

I love that saying about making lemons into lemonade. When you start feeling yourself being drawn into the negativity, actively do something right then to change what you need to, like turn the television off. Focus on all the joy, beauty, wonder, and love we all can share. Only speak positively.  When you surrender to what is, make it be love.