Community

All I Need

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Holidays can hit hard for those dealing with losing a loved one. This year seems to be even more challenging with all that’s happening with the pandemic.  I woke up thinking this morning about what I can do to keep my spirits up.

There is a commercial on TV right now that uses the old song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrill song “You’re All I Need to Get By,” and it’s got that song sticking in my head.  Not the whole song, just the words “All I Need.” The words have me thinking, what do I need?

Need defined means something essential. As I look at my life right now, I already have all I need. Yet life can always be better.  We can always take steps to brighten our way.

I have healthy coping mechanisms.  I spend time outside each day. I eat good food to nourish me as much as I can from my garden. And I do occasionally indulge in a little treat just to enjoy.

I have regular exercise just by walking around where I live. My property is on the side of a dormant volcano, so just walking around the property, up and down the hills, gives me good exercise.  And I also walk around the neighborhood and on the beach early in the morning when no one else is around.

I have loving friends.  In Hawaii the word for family is Ohana, and I have an Ohana of choice filled with dear friends.  We love and support each other, even from a distance, caring for keeping each other safe during the pandemic.

I have my book and all the new relationships that is bringing.  I have met many new friends online, and I provide support however I can through my classes, groups, talks, and writing. I have grown close to people who live far away and know I am helping to make a difference in their lives.

I have my spiritual practice. Every day I write in my journal, meditate, write my gratitude, write my intentions, write my affirmations, and write what brought me joy the day before.  Starting each day this way reminds me that I truly do have all I need.

I have the memories of two wonderful men with relationships filled with love and marvelous experiences. They each brought so much to my life that I am grateful for. I cherish those memories and keep them alive by writing about them.

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

Self Care Through Lots of Loss

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When I heard my sister was in an ambulance again, I knew that she was dying. Even though she had health challenges for years, I didn’t want to be without her. And my knowing was true. She passed Monday.

Then more grief piled on through the rest of Thanksgiving week: a family member died in an accident, another family member is dealing with Covid, and I am supporting close friends dealing with the suicide and loss of their friends. And it isn’t just me. So many of us are being affected by Covid. We have to pay attention to this.

So what can we do? First, share your love and support of those you love and those you know are grieving. I wish we could hug each other, but instead we can make a phone call, send an email or text, or send a letter.

If you are the one grieving, take special care of yourself. I have been walking on the beach early before anyone is there. I been soaking in bubble baths and reading good books. I’ve also been having lovely discussions with friends on Zoom.

I will not be able to attend my sister‘s small graveside service, so I created my own personal memorial for her by scattering flowers from my yard in the ocean and quietly watching sparkling golden fish swimming in the crystal clear waves. As I stood in the sunshine, I remembered experiences we had over the years.

Take stock of where you are right now. Have you done everything you can to take care of yourself and support your loved ones? Are you prepared for your own departure? I have been through the pain and stress of having to search for wills and legal documents my loved ones had not made easy to find.  The very best gift you can give to those you love is to have your affairs in order. Write your will. Execute your Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and for your financial matters. Don’t make people guess what you might have wanted.

You can find great peace for the rest of your life by taking good care of your loved ones now. And take very good care of yourself.  Embrace how precious you are.

Service

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What do you think of when you hear the word service?  In the small town I lived in growing up, Veterans day was the biggest holiday of the year and was celebrated with different events all week long. This was all done to honor and respect people in “the service,” those who served our country in the military.  At that time, whenever I heard the word service, I thought of those people and what they did for all of us, offering their lives for people they didn’t even know. This kind of selfless service was my example of what service meant.  My Dad served in World War 2 and went on to serve veterans the rest of his life.  I knew that was the kind of person I wanted to be, one who serves others.

Throughout my life I have chosen careers and activities that were all service based, not military service, rather service to others who I didn’t necessarily know. Theatre became a place of service for me.  In all the different roles I played in production of shows, including acting, directing, designing, and producing, I was working to entertain the audience, to allow an escape for them, make them laugh or cry.  Working as a nurse, I served to save lives, provide comfort, support healing, provide end of life care, and help babies come into families. Teaching writing at the university, I provided skills for students to enhance their careers and their lives. My ambulance company provides service to our whole community in the most difficult of circumstances whether they can pay or not. And in all the community service I have done, I sought opportunities to make the community and the world a better place.

When grieving, I have found comfort in serving others who are also grieving. Having discovered the value of writing to help me deal with the experience I was having; I saw that I could help others to discover how writing through their grief can help immeasurably.  I have taught these writing classes in my home, but when the pandemic came, I started teaching online, and I discovered other ways to use my writing online to provide inspiration and comfort.  The more I serve, the better I feel.

What are you doing to serve?  It doesn’t have to be something big. Doing things like sharing vegetables from your garden with your neighbors, calling friends or writing letters to people who would love to hear from you, or even taking good care of your cat or dog are all service. Of course, you can also do bigger things.  In this case, size really doesn’t matter.  Each act of service counts.

What can you do today to serve? I would love to hear what you do.

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

My Ohana

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Ohana is the Hawaiian word for family, and it means so much more.  We refer to our Ohana as our chosen family, too. My son is my only blood family member who lives on Maui, but I am surrounded by chosen family members. Our feelings go deep. We truly support each other through life. My Ohana was there for me in Ron’s last weeks and after his transition. I felt so loved.

Shena came to Maui to live in the cottage on our property right after we got here.  Cottages like this in Hawaii are also called Ohanas because they are often used for extended family living together in a compound like atmosphere.  She has become my Ohana daughter and she calls me her Ohana Mama, a title I am delighted to have.  We celebrate holidays together and know we can always depend on each other for anything we need.

I have other neighbors who are Ohana, too. We are always bringing each other food, stopping by to visit, or meditating together. Whatever we grow in our gardens, we share, and we have developed an extended Ohana with people who visit weekly to share the bounty of our gardens and eggs from our chickens as well as yummy foods we make with that bounty like luscious homemade dill pickles.

Before the pandemic, we celebrated Friendsgiving being sure to include anyone we knew who didn’t have someone to share Thanksgiving with.  This was especially wonderful since Ron isn’t here to celebrate our favorite holiday with.  We are trying to figure out now something creative to do this year since we can’t have a big gathering.  We love and support each other in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for these wonderful people.

Do you have an Ohana, even if you call it something different, or maybe you haven’t recognized the group of people who are so special to you as a group?  I made a list and discovered I have quite a few!  I started with my Ohana, my traditional family, then added my Produce Share Family, my Intentions setting group, my book group, all the employees at the ambulance company I own, my Ventura friends, my faculty member friends at the University where I teach, and friends at Mango, the company who is publishing my book. And I could even list more!

Think of all the groups you belong to, formally or informally.  I imagine that once you start our list you will realize you have more support and Ohana than you ever thought you do.  If you don’t have a long list, what can you do to form a new Ohana of your own?  Share some love and support!

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

How is Your Day?

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I woke up this morning feeling so good, and It made me think.  We all notice when we don’t feel good, and then we spend time and energy dealing with that. But I was thinking instead this morning of how wonderful it is to just feel good. I started looking at what was different in my life right now that is contributing to this elation.

Sunday my friend invited me to her house for dinner with a couple of other friends.  (We did social distance) After dinner, we played a card game named Uno Flip.  I had played Uno years ago, but I never played Flip.  We had so much fun that we all laughed for an hour.  I realized then that though I am happy, I hadn’t laughed that much in years.  My whole body felt good. Though that was 4 days go, I still feel great.  I am sure that was the start of this good feeling.

In addition to that, I have committed to going on a walk every day.  I have been listening to a book as I walk, but this morning, I decided to just enjoy the silence, the birds, and the breeze. I reflected as I walked on how much I love where I live.  I can see both sides of the island as I walk, and there is such a wide variety of tropical flowers that I took time to observe and enjoy.

I also have been writing every day. Although I am an author and I teach writing, I’ve been taking a couple of online writing classes to just explore ideas and writing techniques.  I am discovering more about me and am having some powerful inspiration which is fun to pursue. I even decided to teach a Zoom writing class on Saturdays to explore writing through grief. There is no charge and no pressure with this class. I’d love to have you join if you are interested.

I’ve also been gardening, cooking, reading, and painting, so much fun!  I hear people say they are so bored with the shutdown and restrictions because of the pandemic, but I haven’t felt that at all.  I fill my time with what I enjoy, and I never run out of things to do even if it is sitting in my comfy chair in my back yard, listening to all the birds sing, and sipping some refreshing iced water.

One of my favorite songs is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. As I walked by a picture of Ron and I today, I blew him a kiss and thought of this song. Look at a picture of your loved one, smile, and listen to this song. Lovely Day

I wish for you a lovely day.

 

Sign up for my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom Class here

These Times are Not Normal

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What unusual times we are living in right now.  I never dreamed that our country would experience the type of hate, disrespect, and violence we are now. Some days I feel overwhelmed by yet one more outlandish act that has occurred. But as soon as I start to think that direction, I remember the commitment that I made to myself that I live my life based on love, fully and completely.

Getting absorbed into the sensationalism that comes along with unimaginable things that have occurred this year is an easy trap to fall into, so it is imperative for us to keep our eyes open and write our own script. Instead of worrying and crying about the results of the pandemic, what can we do with our love to bring comfort and support to those affected? Instead of rioting in rage at the senseless shootings and violence, what can we do with our love to peacefully demonstrate and make positive changes? Instead of complaining about the political situation going on, what can we do with love to help get people out to vote and work on positive goals to help everyone?

Michelle Norris said, “Hate is fear in a different octave.” A truth I have learned in my life is that there are only two true emotions, love and fear. Essentially, then, hate is an element of fear. Since I have chosen to lead my life in love, I no longer can dwell on fear or hate. Looking at life that way, I am choosing for my actions to be based in love.

Those of us who are dealing with grief and loss often drift into despair. When we do that, we are forgetting to love ourselves. When we get lost in the anger that came from the doctor not making the diagnosis sooner, or fury with the driver who caused the accident, or the disappointment in our own body that didn’t hang on to a pregnancy, or our loved one who wouldn’t quit smoking, drinking, or overeating, that doesn’t serve us. Those things all happened in the past, and the only time we can do anything is in this moment right now. This is the moment when you can choose to focus on love, the love you feel about your loved one, and the love you are now nurturing yourself with.

Look at how you feel right now.  Are you serving yourself, loving yourself?  If not, spend some time exploring that idea through meditation, journaling, or prayer.  You can feel much better when you choose to.

Sending you so much love.