Love

Coincidence?

by

Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!

 

Grief in the time of Covid 19

by

In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief gave me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world.  I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death

  • Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for
  • Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity
  • The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus
  • Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
  • Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared
  • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
  • People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
  • Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
  • Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way.  The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

 

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe:

  • Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying.
  • Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
  • Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
  • Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
  • Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
  • Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
  • If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
  • Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
  • Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared.  When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before.  We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment.  In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other.  He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it.  If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together.  For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store.  They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take.  There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

What else can you do?

  • Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
  • Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
  • Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
  • Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
  • Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
  • Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
  • Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
  • Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
  • Join a virtual grief group.
  • Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
  • Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
  • Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
  • Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
  • Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
  • Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
  • Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean.  Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this.  We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

 

Contact Emily Thiroux Threatt

Email: [email protected]

My web site:

https://griefandhappiness.com/

Facebook: Writing Through Grief With Emily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2869332503181276/

Facebook: Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/permalink/871295139998225/

Instagram: emily_thiroux_threatt

Twitter: @ThreattEmily

Emily’s classes on grief and writing: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/

Every Loss is a Partial Loss of Who You Are

by

When my Daddy died, my world changed. He was such a special part of my life and was suddenly gone with no opportunity to say goodbye.  Every day I missed him, and everything felt different. Then when Mom died after caring for her for almost a year, I was kind of lost without her. We weren’t particularly close throughout my life, but toward the end of her life, that all changed.  I am grateful to have had that time with her. I now felt like an orphan, not playing the role of daughter anymore.

I took care of Jacques for the last two years of his life.  I gave up everything to stay with him either at home or in the hospital. When he transitioned, I was no longer a wife, a caretaker, or a lover, and I no longer had a job to go to. Then I stayed home with Ron, or at the hospital, for his last two years.  Although I had gained back those wife and lover roles after Jacques died, there I was again, losing those roles.

Now as I reflect, I see that while I did have losses, I gained back so much.  My love and attention were focused on Mom, Jacques, and Ron when I was caring for them, so I changed the direction of that love when they were gone.  Now I live in a state of love, and I am grateful for all the love I share.  Dad, Mom, Jacques, and Ron, and my children, all taught me how to love. I love deeply. I am surrounded by my Hawaiian Ohana (family), and I love each of them as I love my blood family. I love where I live. I love my garden and what I eat. I love the people I serve by helping them through their grief. I love the inspiration and guidance that leads me on my way. I love where I live on Maui with a culture based on love, Aloha.

I lost the physical presence of these people, and in the process, I lost, or actually stopped experiencing fear, which is really the only other emotion besides love. I was able to freely relinquish fear because it really didn’t serve me. I have realised that all these losses just made room for my love to grow and expand so that I smile much of the time now and truly enjoy my life.

I invite you to examine any loss you have had and to release the fear and sorrow it engendered. Now turn your life to just love. Love is such a beautiful way to experience life. My intention that I repeat every day is to love and be loved. Spread that love around every way you can. Especially now. And it feels so good when it flows back to you!

Be well–

My Job Is To Smile

by

Thanks to keolamagazine.com

 

I had the opportunity to judge the senior student projects at King Kekaulike High School right before it closed for the shut-down.  Each year, every senior student spends the year preparing their project which includes a mentorship with a teacher of their choice and with a community member, an actual product they create, a research paper written about the product and process, presentations to classes on campus, and a presentation to community judges. These students learn so much from this process and create amazing things.  The is the second year that I have had the honor of being a community judge.

When I judged last week, a young man came into the room to do his presentation, and it was obvious that something was wrong. He seemed so nervous and had trouble making eye contact, so I made it my mission to smile at him. When he realized I was doing this, he focused his presentation on me, took a deep breath, and relaxed into his presentation.  It turned out that he had spent a year on preparing for the Merrie Monarch Hula festival held on the Big Island every spring where he would be dancing. His product was learning to make Haku leis which he would wear while dancing. He also learned all about the tradition of the different Hawaiian leis and taught his younger sister how to make the leis and what they represented.  Then we learned that the night before his presentation, the festival had been cancelled because of the world health crisis, and he was devastated. I was so grateful that I had followed my inspiration to smile at him because I could see that it really helped.

For the rest of the presentations, I smiled at the students too, a genuine smile full of love and support, and they responded. I imagine the other judges may have wondered why the students were presenting their project directly to me. That just made me smile more.

This experience reminded me of the importance of smiling, how good it feels to me to smile, and how good it feels to others to be smiled at.  At this time of social distancing, we might not be as close to people as we have been, but whenever I do speak to someone in person, I make a conscious decision to smile. And for those I can’t interact with face to face, I always make whatever message I send by email, text, phone, or social media positive with the implication of a big virtual smile.

So today I smile at you and know in my heart that you are smiling back.  Be sure to take my smile and pay it forward. We all can use a little joy right now.

 

The Importance of Right Now

by

Internationally, our world is focused on the pandemic of the Covid 19 virus. You are hearing about it everywhere you turn. Let me give you some practical advice. 

A virus is a tiny parasite that can only survive in a living organism. It spreads by being introduced into your body. So all that advice about washing your hands and not touching your face is exactly what you need to do. Actually, this is exactly what we all need to always do. 

You can check yourself by taking in a nice deep breath and holding it for a slow count of 10. If you actually have the virus, this would be difficult to do. If you wait until it’s hard for you to breathe, you may have waited too long. Also, keep your mouth moist.  Sip water frequently and the virus can attach to dry places, but if it is washed down to the stomach, the acid there will kill the virus.

Now that you know all that, the best thing to do is let go of any fear you have related to the virus and focus completely on the moment right now. We can’t change the past of the virus appearing. We can’t know the future of how it may affect us. All you or we have is this moment.

What can you do? Focus on love. Call people you love and have wonderful conversations. Send emails to everyone you’d love to hear from. Look at all the beauty around you. Pour your inspiration into creating something you always wanted to. Hug your children. Fix special meals for your family or just for you. You are worth experiencing wonderful food and flowers and exercise and life.

Right now, immerse yourself in only positive, beautiful miracles in your life. And as far as the virus goes, remember that we all are born, and we all die. If it happens to be your time to transition, open your arms and your heart and embrace it. If it’s not your time, make the most of every moment you have left. Life is good! And so it is!

Grateful for My Love

by

 

Valentine’s Day is always a tough one.  Everywhere I look I see hearts, flowers, and diamonds. People are smiling and holding hands, and here I sit trying to remember what it felt like to be kissed.  When I realized what I was doing, I decided I had better shift my focus, so I started remembering the Valentines of days past.

I never wanted to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day because I always imagined it would be crowded, but on our first Valentine’s, Ron showed up and wanted to take me out to dinner. We walked to one of our favorite places, and we happened to be the first ones there so not having reservations was not a problem. And he brought me a beautiful necklace that had two hearts, overlapping. One was silver and the other gold. A perfect representation of us. We had a wonderful evening with dessert back at my place after dinner.

Thinking about that sweet experience, I started to recall things I was grateful about both Ron and Jacques. And I started writing them down.  I always write what I am grateful for every day, but this was different. I intentionally wrote about the sweet romantic things my husbands did that remind me of how very much they loved me.  I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

I recalled how when Jacques and I got married, I made my dress and he didn’t get to see it before the wedding. We got married at his house.  Everyone was gathered in the living room, and he came to the bedroom to get me when it was time to start the wedding. He was so entranced by the dress, that he came in to look at it and all the little details till the minister came to get us, and everyone laughed.

One year I purchased a little black journal with red hearts on it for Ron. And I filled it up with 100 examples of one thing on each page that was a reason I loved him and was grateful for him.  Once I started writing it, I had no problem filling up the book. I still have that book and can open it every once in a while, when I am missing him.

Once I started writing just beautiful things about my loves and wonderful experiences we had, I couldn’t help but smile. This Valentine’s Day try making a list of things you are grateful about for about your loved one.  It doesn’t have to be a husband. Write about your mother, your son, you’re your friend, your special pet: anyone you miss.  Smile as you write and feel the comforting presence of their love.

Happy Valentine’s Day.