Holidays

Times of Remembering

by

On Memorial Day, my sweet neighbor Dawn brought me a bouquet of camellias and hydrangeas in remembrance of Ron. The camellias reminded me of the first day I visited Ron at his house and he picked me a beautiful camellia to put in my hair. He was so romantic. And that led us to talk of memories of Memorial Day. Ron and I always hosted a big bar-b-que. He made his famous ribs and chicken, and I cooked corn on the cob, potato salad, and peach cobbler and we invited everyone we knew. I miss those parties.

Now that I live in Hawaii, instead of having a bar-b-que, we celebrate Memorial Day by watching the Shinnyo Lantern Floating on television which takes place on Oahu.  This year was the 20thanniversary of this event that takes place on Ala Moana Beach. Families and friends honor their departed loved ones by decorating small lantern boats with the names, letters, poems, and flowers. Then the families wade out into the ocean to float the boats out into the bay. They have beautiful Hawaiian music and dancing combined with Japanese Buddhist Shinnyo-en traditions. Forty thousand people participate. After the lanterns float on the water for the evening, volunteers retrieve them to refurbish them to use again next year.

The touching part of the ceremony to me is how the presenters encourage the participants to discover their Shinnyo within to bless the community. On their website LaternFloatingHawaii.com, they define Shinnyo as:

“Shinnyo is reality, or the true nature of all things. It is the innate goodness, wisdom, and compassion inherently at the core of every living being. Shinnyo is the light that exists in all, without exception.

Shinnyo can also be understood as external forces, vibrant and infinite, that compassionaty lead us to moments of awakening – those serendipitous moments of feeling present and inspired. When we become aware of Shinnyo existing in and warmly encompassing us all, we can appreciate how interconnected we are.”

May we all remember our Shinnyo throughout the year by honoring our loved ones who have died and by supporting and loving the communities we live in.

Letters to My Mother

by

My parents we married 80 years ago today. They were married on Mother’s Day. So this week, my thoughts keep drifting toward them. I lead a Writing Through Grief group here on Maui, and one of our favorite exercises is to write letters, so I’m going to write a letter to my mother this week. The problem is, I haven’t done this before, and there are so many things I could say. I’ve been thinking of ideas to focus on. Here are a few:

  • I could pick out a few of my favorite memories and reminisce with her, like the time we found her mother’s love letters to her first husband when we were cleaning out her garage together. Or how when I was writing my book she would sit in a chair behind me so she could watch me write over my shoulder. She was fascinated by my computer which at that time was a new thing. Or I could write about how we shopped together to buy material for my bridesmaids’ dresses, then we shopped together again to buy material for my daughter’s wedding dress.
  • I could write to her about how I discovered how much she must have loved me when I was rocking my baby in the middle of the night and feeling overwhelmed by my love for him. She wasn’t one to express her emotions, but at that moment, I knew how she must have felt when she held me.
  • I could thank her for what she did for me throughout my life remembering how hard she worked to help me get to college, and how hard it must have been to let her 18 year old daughter move so far away. And how she let my best friend move into my bedroom when her new husband was sent off to Vietnam..
  • I could tell her how grateful I am that she chose to come live with us during her last year and all the amazing adventures we had during that precious time.

I could write a whole book about her. I only wish I would have talked to her about so many things while I still could. We didn’t communicate well, and I am sure that’s one of the reasons I became a writer because I want nothing left unsaid.

In our writing group, after we write a letter, we take a breath, then write another letter that is from who we just wrote to back to us. So when I write my Mom, I would write from her back to me. These letters aren’t planned. We just let whatever comes to us flow out on to the page. We have received beautiful, meaningful answers. I’m sure we could debate on where these answers come from, but what matters to me is the peace and joy they can bring.

So I encourage you today to write a letter to your mother. You may want to write it in your journal or find a special place to save it so you can go back and read it when you could use some mom time. And if your mom is still here, be sure to put it in the mail.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy May Day!

by

Happy May Day! I remember as a child creating little paper baskets that I could put flowers in. I filled them with roses from our garden and hung them on my neighbors’ doorknobs. I always dreamed of dancing around a maypole with flowers in my hair grasping a ribbon attached to the top of the pole. And I heard that May Day was celebrated with cake, so I was always looking for one that never seemed to appea r. I think I’ll bake my own cake today!

May Day is a Northern Hemisphere celebration supposedly to welcome summer, though summer doesn’t officially start till June 21. I plan to celebrate anyway. I choose to go for a walk and pay attention to all the lovely flowers blooming now. If you have flowers you can pick from your garden, I encourage you to share some to celebrate with your loved ones. We don’t really need to have a certain day set aside to celebrate. I see the value of celebrating every day that I am alive, that I can do something significant to help others, and that I can breathe and enjoy this wonderful world! I feel all my loved ones who have transitioned smiling and me today and sending lots of love!

I am happy to wish you Happy May Day and hope that you will pass this greeting along with a great, big smile!

Spring Up!

by

Easter for me has always reminded me of a fresh start. That after a time of stillness, it’s time to begin again. In my heart I know that I am whole, complete, and perfect, and I know that making the best of each moment is my goal.

I remember wonderful times growing up where the family gathered with tons of food, especially ham and potato salad. We’d eat outdoors and wild flowers blanketed the hillside. Mom taught me the names of all the different wild flowers. I especially loved lupine and poppies. 

Now missing all that family, I will remember them and start my own new tradition of a little beach picnic that must include potato salad and flowers. I will bring to mind each of those loved ones with sweet memories and in their honor, plan my fresh start blossoming more each day, opening up to more light, more, love, more joy. I wish this for you, too!

I have created a new, Closed Facebook group just for my followers to share about reclaiming their joy after loss. I will be posting ideas to support you on your journey. Go to this link to join:  http://facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss

The Great, Great Gift

by

In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!

Thanksgrieving

by

We all grieve. Everyone loses someone or something critical, and those losses come back to remind us of our grief on the holidays. We can choose to deep dive into that grief and be miserable, or we can choose to do something with those memories that can bring us joy.

I choose joy. While I cherished being with my loved ones for the holidays, now I find others to make the holidays special. On Thanksgiving, I invite people to join me who don’t have someplace to go. I get the pleasure of preparing a big Thanksgiving dinner with my son Jason’s help. He loves to cook the turkey. I fix mostly the menu my family always did. And to remember my loved ones who won’t be joining us, I fix something special for each of them.

Thanksgiving was Jacques’ very favorite holiday, so the turkey is special to remember him by. I always cook it in a Reynolds turkey cooking bag to keep it nice and juicy. Even though I’m vegetarian, I know my guests aren’t. My mother-in-law Fran was famous for her cornbread stuffing, so we have to have that! Mom always made what she called Waldorf salad that was just bananas, apples, walnuts, and mayonnaise. I make that for her, though I frequently the only one who eats it (and I love it!). I make sweet potatoes for me! I just wrap them in foil and put them in the oven with the turkey. And for dessert, Ron had to have apple pie. Of course, he wanted apple pie for every holiday, and any other day in between. And when Abby, my daughter, joins us, we have to have cherry pie.  I made it one year on Washington’s birthday, and she wants it for every holiday since them. If you don’t have a big dinner, have something special just for you, even it’s your mother’s jello salad or your own pumpkin pie.

The best part of the day is when everybody says what they are thankful for before we eat. Focusing on gratitude is what the holiday is all about. You can do this on your own, too.  On Thanksgiving Day, I like to do a whole journal entry on what I am grateful for. My list just keeps getting longer. Before I started creating gratitude lists, I found that I was finding ways to feel sorry for myself and being alone. Focusing on the negative didn’t help at all. So the more I wrote gratitude lists, the better I felt. Now every day I include thing I am grateful for in my journal every day.

At the end of the day, I can just feel my departed loved ones being grateful that I am remembering them with joy on Thanksgivin