“Grief is not the end of a story, Sometimes, it is the beginning of another.” Barry Hoffner
I had two husbands, Jacques and Ron. Coincidentally, they both had congestive heart failure which led to kidney failure which led to dialysis which led to their deaths. I spent their last two years with each of them at home or at their hospital bedsides. Besides these commonalities, they were as different as they could be. And I didn’t know that either of them would end up with the health conditions they had to deal with.
Jacques was such a positive person. His hearty laugh brightened every day. No matter how much he was dealing with, he always found something that amused him. His joy was contagious and we went through his health challenges together. Ron was also positive but in a different way. He started each morning early outside listening to the birds and he meditated and prayed. Joining him on the lanai, the serenity was palpable and, we had such deep conversations that always ended with mutual smiles.
As time went on, more and more health challenges presented. Both were tolerant and did not complain. Those challenges inspired me to savor each moment with them and do what I could to make whatever happened to them the best it could be. These were the times that I would consider my future, and both times it felt blank. I couldn’t imagine living on my own.
When Jacques died, my childhood friend Yvone stayed with me for a few months. She had helped me care for Jacques, and when he was gone, she helped me find a new home to start a new life. Then she moved away and I discovered what it was really like to be alone. I was lost. What I missed most was his laugh and kindness. I listened to music we loved and listened to together, and I read lots of books. I finally realized I didn’t have to be alone, so I started volunteering to help others. I also accepted invitations, something I didn’t realize I had been avoiding. I noticed I had created a new beginning, and I started to move forward.
After Jaques died, I had decided I wouldn’t date and I definitely would never marry again. The thought of having another husband die was terrifying and I couldn’t allow myself the possibility. Then I met Ron. He was so different from anyone I had known, and I found myself falling deeply in love, but it was different this time. I found myself feeling like even though Jaques died, I didn’t feel unmarried no matter what wedding vows said. Ron was patient for four years, and then we finally got married.
Not long after we were wed, Ron started having health problems. We dealt with all that happened together. When the end neared, we didn’t talk about it much and I knew he was ready to stop dealing with all the pain. As much as I knew it was coming, I still felt like I was in a state of shock when he transitioned. He had always encouraged me to live my best life, and while that sounded good, it wasn’t easy.
I journaled constantly until I discovered how much writing was helping me. When I started helping others to write about their grief, I knew I had found my life’s purpose.
I have traveled through ending and beginnings multiple times each in its own context. I am happy now and know that whatever comes my way in life, I can handle it with love and compassion every step along the way.
“Maybe the best things in life don’t arrive by plan, but by grace, when we are open enough to receive them.” Barry Hoffner.
Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief
