Grief

I Just Can’t Think About Food

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Both times I dealt with the death of my husband, I stopped eating. I’m sure there is a lot of psychology that goes along with that, but the simple fact was that I just wasn’t interested in food. I was cocooned in my blanket on my bed, and I had no inspiration to get up and eat. I have heard many other grievers finding themselves in the same spot. I did eventually find my way out of bed, but I had no appetite, and there was nothing in the kitchen.  So what was I to do?

 

When Jacques died and I finally decided I needed to eat something, I decided to eat anything I wanted to. I know that sounds scary,  but it turned out what I wanted to eat was mashed potatoes, asparagus, and peanut butter, not all at the same time. I found some good already mashed potatoes in the deli section at the store and fortunately asparagus was in season. By eating as much as I wanted when I was in the mood, I never got really hungry, so I didn’t eat too much, so I lost weight, which was a good thing. It took me months to start eating a more regular, balanced diet.

 

When I met Ron, he was healthy and loved to eat, so the weight started to come back on. When he started having heart and kidney issues, we started eating vegetarian. As we researched how to deal with his health issues, we discovered that being vegan could really help him. He found a Vegan Chef certification program online for me, so within six months, I became a certified vegan chef. Although I loved to cook and had even owned my own café and catering company at one point, I learned so much.

 

So after Ron died, I found myself not eating again, and losing weight which again was a good thing. I decided to go back to being vegetarian instead of vegan, and I became very aware of what I ate. Eating consciously is what I called it.  I am happy with what I eat now, keeping it very simple. I have given up eating processed food and discovered that everything tastes better that way. I do most of my shopping at Farmer’s Market which is a joy in itself!

With this background, I am going to dedicate one blog I write for you each month to healthy eating focusing on preparing food in small portions instead of for a family. Of course, all the recipes can be expanded to serve more. The recipes this week will make 2 to 4 servings, depending on how much you eat at a time, and they both keep well in the refrigerator for a day or two. My focus is on providing easy ways for you to take care of yourself which is so important in transitioning through grief. I will post printable copies of the recipes I include in my blog in the free section of my web site. https://griefandhappiness.com/free/  This week I’ll show how to transform everyone’s favorite Tuna Salad into a vegetarian or vegan delight!

 

Tuna-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans

2 tablespoons chopped red onions

2 tablespoons chopped sweet pickles

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version)

½ to one teaspoon powdered or flaked  Nori (dried seaweed) This gives it the ocean flavor. You can usually find this in the Asian section of your grocery store.

Sea Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Rinse, drain, and dry the garbanzo beans. To assemble, use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans. Add all remaining ingredients and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite tuna salad favorites.

 

 

Egg-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans or 14 oz. firm tofu

I tablespoon Dijon mustard

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version) (don’t use mayo if using tofu)

2 tablespoons chopped green onions

½ teaspoon Indian or Hawaiian black salt (the black salt gives it the eggy flavor)

Fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Option ingredients for variety:

I cup cooked red lentils (optional)

2 tablespoons nutritional yeast

3 tablespoons fresh dill, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped dill or sweet pickles

A little fresh lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon or turmeric, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika

 

Choose to use either garbanzo beans or firm tofu.

If you are using garbanzo beans, rinse, drain, and dry. Use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans.

If you are using tofu, press the tofu to squeeze out any excess moisture. Crumble with your hands.

 

Add all remaining ingredients that you wish and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, avocados, radishes, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite egg salad favorites.

 

Let it go!

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When I was alone after Jacques died, the evenings were long and lonely. I had a hard time focusing on books or television, and I realized I longed for company. I started looking for somewhere to go or something to do so that I wouldn’t be around people who said, “Oh, that’s Emily. Her husband died.” I wanted to be anonymous and just fit in. Does this sound familiar?

 

Two years before Jacques died, I had let go of my business, a live theatre, school of arts, café, and art gallery. I had loved having that business, but when I realized that I needed to be with Jacques full time the last couple of years of his life, I was able to move away from the business and be home with Jacques. Returning to that business was not an option, so I needed to figure out what to do next.

 

I found a quilting class at a quaint little shop that I could walk to from my house. I had sewn all my life, so this wasn’t new. But I did get to learn new techniques and see the beautiful quilts everyone was creating. The class was relaxing, and I felt so creative. I didn’t know anyone in the class, and I didn’t make any effort to get acquainted with anyone. I was perfectly happy sewing and listening to my classmates stories.

 

One evening one of my classmates was telling about a beautiful, expensive, intricate quilt she had made for her son. You could hear the love in her voice as she described it. Then she told about how the unbelievable thing happened to her. She attended a big community picnic with her son and his family. And her son’s wife had the nerve to bring that quilt and put it on the ground for the family to sit on, and even share their picnic lunch on! She was appalled and heart broken. I’ll never forget how her friend in the class responded. She said, “Go home and get your dictionary out and look up the word gift. When you give something away, it isn’t yours anymore. You didn’t notice how proud your daughter-in-law was of that quilt that she wanted to show it off. She and your son treasure that quilt. Let it go!”

 

I felt like she had turned on a light bulb in my head!  At that moment, I let my wonderful business go. I had been feeling like since I had created it, spent all that money on it, and spent untold hours there and all that involved, that somehow it was still my baby. I realized right then it was not, and a palpable wave of relief washed over me. I was filled with gratitude for this gift.

 

And the bigger gift for me was realizing that letting things go created a wide open space for me. I stopped worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done, and realized that I was truly living in the moment. In the moment, there is no room for the baggage of what no longer served me. I felt clear and fresh and ready for the rest of my journey.

 

So my gift to you is the reminder to release everything that doesn’t serve you. Let it go! And revel in the joy of the results.

 

P.S. This picture is of a quilt I designed and made by hand after I took that class. It took me two years to finish. I used Hawaiian style motifs that I cut myself. Traditionally, Hawaiian quilts are made of one huge motif, but I couldn’t decide what I liked best, so I made small squares I could easily do on my lap in the evenings. You’ll see turtles, dolphins, breadfruit, hibiscus, pineapple, and anthurium squares. Working on creative projects is a great way to help with grieving!

The Great, Great Gift

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In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!

Thanksgrieving

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We all grieve. Everyone loses someone or something critical, and those losses come back to remind us of our grief on the holidays. We can choose to deep dive into that grief and be miserable, or we can choose to do something with those memories that can bring us joy.

I choose joy. While I cherished being with my loved ones for the holidays, now I find others to make the holidays special. On Thanksgiving, I invite people to join me who don’t have someplace to go. I get the pleasure of preparing a big Thanksgiving dinner with my son Jason’s help. He loves to cook the turkey. I fix mostly the menu my family always did. And to remember my loved ones who won’t be joining us, I fix something special for each of them.

Thanksgiving was Jacques’ very favorite holiday, so the turkey is special to remember him by. I always cook it in a Reynolds turkey cooking bag to keep it nice and juicy. Even though I’m vegetarian, I know my guests aren’t. My mother-in-law Fran was famous for her cornbread stuffing, so we have to have that! Mom always made what she called Waldorf salad that was just bananas, apples, walnuts, and mayonnaise. I make that for her, though I frequently the only one who eats it (and I love it!). I make sweet potatoes for me! I just wrap them in foil and put them in the oven with the turkey. And for dessert, Ron had to have apple pie. Of course, he wanted apple pie for every holiday, and any other day in between. And when Abby, my daughter, joins us, we have to have cherry pie.  I made it one year on Washington’s birthday, and she wants it for every holiday since them. If you don’t have a big dinner, have something special just for you, even it’s your mother’s jello salad or your own pumpkin pie.

The best part of the day is when everybody says what they are thankful for before we eat. Focusing on gratitude is what the holiday is all about. You can do this on your own, too.  On Thanksgiving Day, I like to do a whole journal entry on what I am grateful for. My list just keeps getting longer. Before I started creating gratitude lists, I found that I was finding ways to feel sorry for myself and being alone. Focusing on the negative didn’t help at all. So the more I wrote gratitude lists, the better I felt. Now every day I include thing I am grateful for in my journal every day.

At the end of the day, I can just feel my departed loved ones being grateful that I am remembering them with joy on Thanksgivin

Paradise Lost

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Growing up in central California, I heard of a town named Paradise, and I wanted to live there. I looked it up in the library and saw that it was a beautiful town with majestic trees. I loved the idea of getting out of the heat in the high desert where I lived and moving to an idyllic small town. This was a consistent fantasy of mine as I grew up. Now Paradise is gone.

In a moment, homes, businesses, vehicles, and people melted in the flames. Cherished personal possessions turned to ash. What once was most important lost significance to now when life, when living through the horror, is all that matters.

I moved from Ventura, California, three years ago to Maui, my paradise now. I watched from a distance last year as a huge fire raged through Ventura county. My friends were evacuated. The home where I lived when I was there was evacuated. Houses we had considered when we were looking for a new home there burned to the ground, along with homes of friends. Now another fire is barreling though Ventura and Malibu counties.

In an instant, thousands of people lose all their material possessions. All these fires make me reflect on what I would grab on the way to run from a fire, and I realize all I would grab is whoever is there with me in that moment. The stuff doesn’t matter. I would know that my loved ones know how much I love them. I realize that I am living my best life, and I am grateful for every moment.

What would you take? What is most important to you right now? Are you living your best life? If not, start night now. If you are, that’s the best news I’ve heard today! And I am grateful.

Are You Afraid of Dying?

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If you are afraid of dying, I encourage you to examine your feelings. I had the privilege with being with both of my husbands, my aunt, my mother-in-law, friends, and patients at the moment of their passing. In all of those cases, when it came right down to it, I sensed great peace. Well, except Jacques who looked very surprised and said “oh s###!” I think it came on him by surprise, and he never would have been ready.

I can honestly say I am not afraid.  I know this because I live in Hawaii, and in February I received a message on my phone which said, “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREATT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” It came on a beautiful day. I was at home visiting with my friend Shena.  My son was in the back yard reading. The message came on our phones at the same moment. My first reaction was to call Jason in from the yard, and we turned on the television to see if there was any news. For 38 minutes, the three of us sat and considered the situation. There was no place to seek shelter, and we decided that if the islands were blown up, we wouldn’t want to live through it. So in an atmosphere of disbelief, we expressed our love to each other, said goodbye, and had a deep conversation while we waited. When the second message came 38 minutes later saying it was a false alarm, we just went on about our day.

The experience of receiving that alert caused me to examine how I actually felt, and I concluded that I felt fine. When the threat appeared real, my thoughts were that I have had an amazing life, I live in a wonderful place, I am filled with love from special friends and family, and I have no regrets. I don’t have a bucket list because if I want to do something, I do it or plan it instead of waiting to see if I may get around to it in the future. All of my affairs are in order so I am not leaving a mess for my loved ones to deal with, and that feels great.

There is an often quoted thought that the only two emotions in life are love and fear. In the case of fearing death, that can occur from not having your affairs in order. Be sure you have a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare where you designate what you want to happen in regard to your medical care. You can get a free form online that you can fill out. Do check what the requirements are in your state. In Hawaii they have a completely different form and it’s the only one they accept. And get your financial affairs in order and make sure someone knows what you want and where everything is. You can even plan your own funeral ahead of time, make the arrangements, and pay for it.  That way no one has to worry about it when the time comes.

The most important thing to do though is to express your love and gratitude to all your family and special friends. Let them have your love be what they remember you by. So the choice for me is easy between love and fear. I always choose love. And that is my wish for you