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Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

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This week I share with you the beautiful forward Michael Bernard Beckwith wrote for my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief: A Comprehensive Guide to Reclaiming and Cultivating Joy and Carrying On in the Face of Loss. The release date for the book is January 19, 2021, and it is available now for preorder on Amazon.

 

Forward for Loving and Living Your Way through Grief by Michael Bernard Beckwith

Oftentimes when a loved one dies, its sting can catch and hold us in a web of grief, loss, and even despair.  As we tend to feel emotionally, soulfully, and even physically connected to our loved ones, these relationships often provide us with a profound sense of intimacy, comfort, and stasis, and can become the very foundation of who we believe we are.  So when they die, it can feel like pieces of our very identity has been snatched away, and the sense of loss is felt at the core of our being.  Such feelings of loss often engender variations of the questions: Why did this have to happen?  Why did they have to leave?  Who am I without them in my life?  How am I supposed to live without them? What will I do? Although such inquiries are typically borne of grief, when understood within a spiritual context, they can provide the opportunity for intense inner reflection and contemplation, and ultimately, transformation.

You see, not only is it possible to live happily and thrive after a loved one transitions, it is required of us as the eternal and expansive beings we actually are.  Many of us have been conditioned to experience our earthly lives and relationships through our physical senses, to what and whom we can see, hear, and touch, so we are attached to this as the ideal experience. However, limiting our ability to feel and share love, intimacy, beauty, and bliss to only that which we can see, hear, and touch, literally blunts our awareness of our innate cosmic connection to our supernal reality in which these conditions actually exist.

It would support us immensely to remember that while the terms of our relationship with our loved ones may change, the nature and reality of it doesn’t, as Real Love, in its eternality, can never “die.” To grasp this, we must rethink and process how we relate, how we love, and what actually constitutes an unconditionally loving relationship from within.  Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief can be your trusted resource and guide through that process back to recognizing Real Love.  Emily is a living example of someone who, instead of merely coping with her grief and sorrow, transcended those experiences to live an authentically peaceful and joyful life through spiritual self-discovery.

I met Emily through her husband and my good friend, Rev. Ron Threatt, when they attended Agape International Spiritual Center while living in Los Angeles.  I saw Emily’s spiritual growth through her right use of spiritual principles in a very powerful way.  When Ron passed, you could simultaneously see her sadness and loss while embracing the spiritual principles that ultimately pulled her through.  Through her spiritual practice and self-realization, Emily was able to ultimately alchemize her sadness into a deeper awareness of Love, earning her invaluable revelations, insights, and the wisdom that comes with spiritual transformation that both allows and calls her to minister to and support others who are grieving from the loss of not only a loved one, but loss of any kind.

Study this book and utilize its practices.  It will support you in taking back your mind, heart, and life from merely coping and getting by after loss, to living and loving—freely and unconditionally—as you you’re meant to. As Emily says, “By approaching this process with an open heart and open arms, we can all learn, love, share and be the best that we can be.”

Peace & Richest Blessings,

Michael Bernard Beckwith 

Founder & Spiritual Director, Agape International Spiritual Center

Author, Life Visioning and Spiritual Liberation

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

The Old You

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I went for a walk and saw no one on the way until I spotted a neighbor I had not meant before. We stayed a careful distance apart, but I could tell she was eager to talk. She expressed her amazement with all that is happening in our country between the pandemic and demonstrations. She proudly announced that she is 90 years old and finds it curious that all the “young people” are expecting things to go back to the way they were before all these things started to happen. Then she wisely said, “You know, things will never go back. They will never be the same.”

This conversation reminded me of how many of the grieving people I talk to mention that they want things to be the way they were before, or they want things to return to normal, but as my new friend said, that’s not going to happen. In reflecting on my own situation, I realized I do not want anything to go back because I know I am right where I am supposed to be right now, living in this moment.

I spent a great deal of my younger life living in a world of “if only.”  I thought if only I could have children, if only I could graduate from college, if only I could be married to someone I shared unconditional love with, if only I had more money, and on and on. Wherever I was wasn’t where I thought I wanted to be. All these things actually came to pass, and as they did, instead of celebrating and enjoying what I accomplished, I slipped into yearning for the next thing that could change my life if only I had it.

I am at a place now when I recognize that where I am in this moment is exactly where I want to be, and I am grateful. Yet now I am looking beyond just me to the rest of the world. What I see is confusion, anger, disappointment, suffering, and grief. This is not the ideal world I wanted to live in. I do see our world is waking up not only to the possibility of but the necessity of change.

We can’t go back to the way things were, to the comfort of living in our own isolation, self-absorbed with our individual desires and beliefs. I do see people learning what racism actually is an what can be done about it. I do see people demonstrating their desire for change, for peace, for governess based on love. I do see people working on accessible voting for all so that we all have a voice in this change. I do see essential workers making great sacrifices for the rest of us. I see compassion demonstrated on a larger scale than has been done before.

We have started a revolution in America like none other. As we wake up, my dream is to live in a world of unconditional love. No more hate. No more fear. Is this possible? I say yes, yet lots of change has to come in the process. No, we don’t want to go back to the old us, to the way things were before. We can work together to make everything the very best it can be. We can each commit, right now, to actively do whatever we can to make our country a place to be proud of. To make our world a safe place to life together.

Are you ready? Let’s make it happen!

Join my Facebook page to discover what is happening on the way to publishing my book: Loving and Living gYour Way Through Grief. Click here

Are you positive?

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“It’s most important that you surround yourself with positivity always and have it in your mind at all times.”– Tyler Perry

Have you noticed how much we are like chameleons?  Here in Hawaii we have lots of chameleons, known as Jacksons, who look like small prehistoric creatures with horns. The first one I saw someone noticed on my lawn. I almost didn’t see it because it was the exact color of the grass. My friend picked him up and held him in front of his black shirt, and to my amazement, it started changing color, first to like a camouflage with many shades of green and grey, and then to solid black. This reminded me of how we all change to reflect our surroundings.

When I sit with someone grieving who is crying, generally, my tears start, too. When I am with someone sharing a funny story, we all end up laughing together. If I happen to watch a scary show, I usually end up with nightmares. If I watch the news about all the negativity our country is experiencing, I can easily fall into that negativity if I don’t pay attention to what I am doing. And if I hold a tiny baby in my arms, love just naturally pours out of me to surround that infant.

The thing is, we can just allow all this to happen, or we can take control.  In grieving, I noticed how everything seemed sad. The books I read were sad. The shows I watched on tv were sad. What I read in social media was sad. Sad people would visit to tell me how sad they were that Ron had died. Then one day I realized that as long as I remained surrounded by sadness, I wasn’t going to be able to feel any better. Then I thought of my Aunt Mona.

Aunt Mona had many tragedies befall her in her life, but you would never know it by talking to her. She always smiled and exuded love. When her sixteen-year old grandson was driving her and her husband to a family gathering, he had a terrible accident where my uncle was killed and my aunt had severe injuries.  When I visited my aunt at home, she was sitting up in the hospital bed in her living room with a big smile so happy to see me. She had a VHS tape of the movie Patch Adams on her bed with her, and she told me she watched it often because it made her smile and feel so good. Now if I have a little low time and start to slide into self-pity, I think of Aunt Mona and smile, loving her memory and smile.

I have discovered that if I focus on positivity, then that’s how I feel, and that feeling is so much better than the opposite! So now I read positive books, I spend time with positive friends, and I notice what it positive and beautiful in everything around me. I can’t help but feel great when I do this, and the more I do it, the more it multiplies. I’ve even stopped using negative words. When you pay attention, you may be shocked at the number of negative words you use without thinking. Keep track of each time you say no or not or any other words that aren’t completely positive. Then change what you say. Ron taught me that when I noticed I was talking negatively, I needed to stop and say, “I take that back,” then restate whatever it was in a positive way.  For instance, if I said “I just can’t stand her. She makes me so mad,” I could change that to “I choose to stay positive and smile in her presence knowing that only I can affect how I feel, and I would always rather be happy.”

Chose to be positive, even when those around you aren’t. If tears start to come as you reflect on how much you miss your loved one, take a deep breath, smile, and focus on a beautiful memory you have of him or her. The more you do this, the more it becomes habit, and it’s a great habit to have. I find that now I smile much of the time, and sometimes I’ll notice and say to myself, “What are you smiling about now?” Then I remember. I am smiling because life is good. I always focus on love and how I can share it. And that the best way to live is by being positive!

My Mother’s Grief

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My Mom and Dad were married for 54 years. They were 18 when they got married in a small California town during the Depression. They spent their time together until Daddy got drafted into World War II.  When he came home, they were closer than ever. They spent years together active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, including Daddy being in leadership in the State of California including being State Commander. This required visits all over California, and they drove everywhere they went. On so many long trips, they saw many accidents on the road, and Mom would report them to me in detail, always saying that she knew that she and Daddy would someday be in one of those accidents and die together on the road. I hated when she said that, but I knew that she said it out of deep love. She couldn’t imagine living without him.

On the Sunday before Veteran’s Day in 1989, Daddy was the keynote speaker at the big community event held annually to honor all the Veterans from our town. Much beloved, he had a warm reception to his talk. The next evening, Mom called to say Daddy had been taken to the hospital. She wasn’t sure what was wrong, but they told her to go home and get some rest and to visit him in the morning.  I assured her that I would join her in the morning as I lived an hour away.  An hour later, she called to tell me that he had died.

I don’t think we are ever really ready for a death, but when it comes so suddenly, it is a shock. The rest of the week what a big celebration of his life and service. Porterville always has had a tradition of patriotism which included a huge parade and Band-o-Rama on Veterans day every year.  Mom and Dad had been in charge of that parade for many years. This year, the parade was done in Daddy’s honor. They had a beautiful old convertible with a black wreath at the start of the parade representing him not being there for the first time in so many years. Then he was honored again at the Band-O-Rama as the town’s best loved veteran.

Mom held up well during that week, or so we thought.  As I reflect, she hardly spoke at all, and I didn’t see her crying.  I went with her to make the funeral arrangements, and she was pretty silent there, too, so I did most of the talking.  The service was amazing. I have never seen so many people at a service. They had taps and a 21-gun salute at the graveside, and Mom was silent.

I had to leave at the end of the week.  I hated leaving her alone, but I had to go back to work and my family.  We stayed in touch and I stepped in to help with the Ambulance business she and Daddy owned together. She still didn’t talk much. She did play bridge every week with the same group she had played with since they all first got married. And she went to church sometimes. But I knew she spent much time alone. My daughter wanted a picture of the three of us taken for her birthday, and when I saw the proofs of all the shots from the photo studio, I realized that mom wasn’t smiling. And I also realized she hadn’t smiled at all since Daddy died.

Five years after Daddy’s death, I got a call that mom had been taken to the hospital. She had spent Thanksgiving with us and drove an hour to go home a couple of days later.  We had been shopping and she bought a new electric blanket. After she got home, she tried to put the blanket on her bed that Sunday evening and fell. This was before the time of cell phones and medical alerts. When she didn’t show up for bridge, her friends called her company and they went to check on here and found her on the floor badly dehydrated. Nothing was broken, but she just didn’t have the will to get up.

When she recovered enough to go home, I told her she had a choice to make. She could stay in her home with someone to stay with her all the time. She could stay with me. Or we could find a place for her at a facility for elders. She decided to come home with me. I enjoyed having her with me. We were able to have good talks sometimes. And she loved my husband who could get her to smile. And my daughter could get her to smile on occasion too. Then we discovered that she had an inoperable brain tumor. And because her doctor told me the diagnosis on the phone on his way to his vacation, I had to tell her. We held each other and cried a long time.

Then a miracle happened. Her smile came back on a regular basis. And she laughed. Jacques could get her laughing easily every day. He loved to laugh and she laughed with him. Then she decided that it was time for her to move back home. I arranged for people to stay with her and drove to see her and take care of things a few times a week. She finally was at peace because she knew the time was short until as she believed, she would be with Daddy and her mother again.

Reflecting now, I wish I could have done something more to bring her joy. She had visits from her minister and friends and her sister, but she just wasn’t happy living without Daddy. She is a big part of my inspiration to do the work I do now, helping others to deal with their grief in a way that will lead them to find joy and happiness in their lives. If you see yourself in my mother, please reach out. Know that you can have peace and joy in your life again. And if you see yourself in me as I dealt with my mother, do something about it.  I realize now that I was not dealing with my own grief and become tangled in the overwhelming busyness of trying to take care of everyone else. Spend time with loved ones. Find things to do that bring you joy. And most of all, take care of and love yourself.

Kale and Caramel and Lily

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My good friend was talking a walk (a few weeks ago when we could) when she ran into a friend on her way. Walking on Maui is such a wonderful experience as everything is verdant, tropical, and fresh, and the trades winds are gently blowing. Gazing across the water to other islands is breathtaking. Encountering a friend is more the norm than the exception. This morning, Robin ran into Lily Diamond, blogger, author, and natural beauty. In catching up, Lily told Robin about the cookbook she wrote in dealing with her grief for her mother. I was fascinated by what Robin told me about Lily, so I went to her website and bought her cookbook: Kale and Caramel.

Lily moved to Maui when she was two and lived here until she went off to Yale for college. Her family lived immersed in the natural lifestyle of the island.  Her mother, an herbalist and aromatherapist, raised Lily by teaching her a love of nature and living, spending time in long walks learning all about the plants they encountered. Lily fully embraces all five senses in how she lives with aroma, sight, touch, sound, all as important as flavor. After Lily graduated from college, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and she returned to Maui to help her father care for her.

In dealing with her grief after her mother died, Lily wrote a beautiful cookbook sharing her mother’s healing teaching of the synthesis of flowers and herbs with food to nourish us inside and out. Kale and Caramel is gorgeous. Both reading the book and experiencing the beauty of the pictures makes your mouth water and your heart soften.  In her book, she says:

“It is said that the mind will only truly change when it grows so weary of itself it cannot stand to repeat its machinations even one more moment. And so it was with me. The heavier the grief weighed on me, the more I wanted to be free. For years, I let grief subsume me in its shadowy net, allowed feeling to run through me like water.”

Finally, “What came when I stopped long was being, pure and wild. Being with food that nourished me. Being with plants and flowers that healed by virtue of their very existence, their wildness. Being, no matter how much my heart hurt.”

Kale and Caramel is a cookbook I actually read. I feel my body relax and my breathing slow as I give in to its beauty and life, inspiring me to only eat what serves me, to smell what enlivens or relaxes me, and to live my very best life. Lily celebrates her mother as well as what she learned from her. I highly recommend that go to her website, read her blog, and enjoy her cookbook.

I celebrated by husbands by writing my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through grief. What can you do to create lasting memories of the best qualities of your loved one? Explore your creativity and see what you are inspired to do, then create that tribute, whatever it may be.  I would love for you to share your journey on your way.

 

Kale and Caramel

What can you create?

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Several months after Ron died, a good friend of ours who was much younger died suddenly. Feeling a deep connection with his wife, I immediately wrote her a letter including everything I could think of that she needed to know at that moment. She had not thought before this at all about what would happen if he died, and I knew what she was dealing with since I had lost two husbands. She let me know how helpful my advice was and how much she appreciated it which made me think that there must be something else I could do. I knew one of the hardest things for me was after the services were over for both husbands, all my friends got back to their own lives, and I felt very alone. I decided I would write her a note every week for the first year.

I ended up writing the content for all fifty-two notes in two days.  Once I started writing them, they just poured out. Each message offered a different perspective for her to think about. I live on Maui and love taking pictures with my phone of all the beauty here. I created note cards that I could print from my computer that each had a different picture I took. Then I printed the messages inside. I put them in order in a box so I could easily pull one in the mail each Monday, sometimes writing an additional little note.

It’s been over a year now, and my friend told me how much she appreciated this support. She even said she could still use it, so that has me thinking of what to do next.  Another dear friend lost her husband, so I have been sending her cards. And my granddaughter asked me if I could print cards for her that she could send them to the wife of her father’s best friend after he died suddenly.  Now the woman that has been receiving those cards has asked me for a set so that she could, in her words, pay it forward to a friend of hers who just lost her husband.

I am thrilled at the support these cards have given to these people. Each time I print a set, I read all of the messages again and find that I get support from them too.  I have even considered finding a way to market them, but for now, I am just responding to individual requests. Mailing a note every week is a commitment, but it has brought me much joy. And the content led me to write my book which should be coming out soon!

I loved the process of creating these cards. What can you create? The process of creativity is so therapeutic when dealing with grief. Think about things you enjoy doing or you  would like to learn. Some ideas could be writing, painting, decorating, cooking, entertaining, or fundraising. Or you could take a class in any of these areas or others you think of.  Find something you can get lost in and enjoy. If it benefits someone else along the way, that’s even better! I would love to hear what you have done or plan to do. What you create can inspire someone else, too! Please reply here, or post in our Reclaiming Your Joy private Facebook group, or send me an email. Get creative and have fun!