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Self Care Through Lots of Loss

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When I heard my sister was in an ambulance again, I knew that she was dying. Even though she had health challenges for years, I didn’t want to be without her. And my knowing was true. She passed Monday.

Then more grief piled on through the rest of Thanksgiving week: a family member died in an accident, another family member is dealing with Covid, and I am supporting close friends dealing with the suicide and loss of their friends. And it isn’t just me. So many of us are being affected by Covid. We have to pay attention to this.

So what can we do? First, share your love and support of those you love and those you know are grieving. I wish we could hug each other, but instead we can make a phone call, send an email or text, or send a letter.

If you are the one grieving, take special care of yourself. I have been walking on the beach early before anyone is there. I been soaking in bubble baths and reading good books. I’ve also been having lovely discussions with friends on Zoom.

I will not be able to attend my sister‘s small graveside service, so I created my own personal memorial for her by scattering flowers from my yard in the ocean and quietly watching sparkling golden fish swimming in the crystal clear waves. As I stood in the sunshine, I remembered experiences we had over the years.

Take stock of where you are right now. Have you done everything you can to take care of yourself and support your loved ones? Are you prepared for your own departure? I have been through the pain and stress of having to search for wills and legal documents my loved ones had not made easy to find.  The very best gift you can give to those you love is to have your affairs in order. Write your will. Execute your Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care and for your financial matters. Don’t make people guess what you might have wanted.

You can find great peace for the rest of your life by taking good care of your loved ones now. And take very good care of yourself.  Embrace how precious you are.

My Ohana

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Ohana is the Hawaiian word for family, and it means so much more.  We refer to our Ohana as our chosen family, too. My son is my only blood family member who lives on Maui, but I am surrounded by chosen family members. Our feelings go deep. We truly support each other through life. My Ohana was there for me in Ron’s last weeks and after his transition. I felt so loved.

Shena came to Maui to live in the cottage on our property right after we got here.  Cottages like this in Hawaii are also called Ohanas because they are often used for extended family living together in a compound like atmosphere.  She has become my Ohana daughter and she calls me her Ohana Mama, a title I am delighted to have.  We celebrate holidays together and know we can always depend on each other for anything we need.

I have other neighbors who are Ohana, too. We are always bringing each other food, stopping by to visit, or meditating together. Whatever we grow in our gardens, we share, and we have developed an extended Ohana with people who visit weekly to share the bounty of our gardens and eggs from our chickens as well as yummy foods we make with that bounty like luscious homemade dill pickles.

Before the pandemic, we celebrated Friendsgiving being sure to include anyone we knew who didn’t have someone to share Thanksgiving with.  This was especially wonderful since Ron isn’t here to celebrate our favorite holiday with.  We are trying to figure out now something creative to do this year since we can’t have a big gathering.  We love and support each other in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for these wonderful people.

Do you have an Ohana, even if you call it something different, or maybe you haven’t recognized the group of people who are so special to you as a group?  I made a list and discovered I have quite a few!  I started with my Ohana, my traditional family, then added my Produce Share Family, my Intentions setting group, my book group, all the employees at the ambulance company I own, my Ventura friends, my faculty member friends at the University where I teach, and friends at Mango, the company who is publishing my book. And I could even list more!

Think of all the groups you belong to, formally or informally.  I imagine that once you start our list you will realize you have more support and Ohana than you ever thought you do.  If you don’t have a long list, what can you do to form a new Ohana of your own?  Share some love and support!

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

Someone Else’s Loss

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Saying the right things to someone who is grieving can be a challenge. In the awkwardness following a death, sometimes people just don’t know what to say, so many times they don’t say anything, and I guarantee, that is not helpful. The most likely thing someone will say is “I’m sorry for your loss.” I remember years ago when the phase “Have a nice day” got popular all of the sudden. When you parted company with anyone, they were likely to say, “Have a nice day.” I first I thought that was a pleasant thing for people to do, until it became a constant drone that lost its meaning. That’s where “I am sorry for your loss” is now. People seem to think that any time they hear someone has died, those words must be spoken out of courtesy before anything else is said. I would really love if no one ever said “I’m sorry for your loss” again. Just saying these words doesn’t help anything except maybe for the person saying them that feels their obligation is now out of the way.

I heard a veteran say that she felt the same way about “Thank you for your service.” She said, “If that person was so grateful, they could give me a job, and then I’d feel the gratitude.” I have heard that for military personnel and veterans, they better thing to say is “Never forget.” I like that. If someone said something like, “I’ll never forget Ron and what a special person he was,” I would appreciate that thought. And don’t let your discomfort get in the way of showing up for your friend who needs you. With society’s attitude toward death, it’s easy to run the other way when it occurs, but that doesn’t help your friend who is experiencing the worst time of his or her life right now, and it doesn’t help you. Step up, be brave, and do what you can for your friend. And you may not need to say anything. Just listen and bring chocolate.

Here is a list of things that will be good for you to express to your friend:

Acknowledge the pain. Sometimes the griever will think they are the only one who has ever hurt like this. Tell them that their pain is real, that we all experience it at times of our lives, and let them know that you would be happy to listen.

Tell them that you don’t know what to say, and that you care, and you love them.

Tell them the favorite thing you remember about the person who died: their smile, their laugh, and events that you shared. Tell them anything positive you remember.

Let them know you will listen, then listen without judgement or advice. Sometimes we need to just express what we are feeling and know someone hears us.

Tell them if you would be happy to come stay with them for a few days or longer.

Ask them to talk to you about their loved one any time they want.

Tell them that they don’t have to talk, that you will just sit by them and be there for them.

Tell them you are so sorry that they have to go through this.

Let them know that they are in your prayers.

There are lots more things you can say. Just express yourself from the heart. Trust that you will know what to say. Be honest, be kind, be loving, and the best words will come to you. Keep in mind that when you are expressing yourself or offering advice that what you say needs to be about the person you are talking to.

What else can you do to help? My best answer is: something. The thing I heard more than anything else was “Just let me know if you need anything.” Please stop saying this now. They aren’t going to call you, of if they do, it’s likely to be at a point where they really need you right then and you may not be available. Instead, be proactive. Take them food, flowers, or little gifts weeks or months after the death. Let them know they are remembered. If you are taking food to someone who lives alone, a giant casserole is not a good idea, but that casserole divided into individual servings and wrapped for the freezer would be much appreciated.

Sometimes we let our fear hinder us from doing what we would like to or what we think is best. This is not the time to let fear get in your way. Go to your friend and offer to listen, offer to help, offer to just be there. The most important thing is to stay in touch. Share your love and support, and make the most of this very special time.

 

 

 

Sign up for my very special coaching to help you reclaim your joy! With this coaching, you will go from loss and grief dominating your life to discovering how you can live with love and joy by creating your new life plan. Click here.

 

Coincidence?

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Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!

 

It’s The End of the World as We Know It

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This is a guest post.  My friend Sophia Leva-Marie wrote this post and it so resonated with me that I asked her if I could share it with you.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

It’s the End of the World As We Know It 

 

That chorus was definitely running through my mind as my call rang through to my client from Seattle.  From empty streets to bare cupboards, children at home ALL of the time, travel bans, and sequestered Italians singing from their balconies, it is a new world.

Though I’ve never watched it, Survivor has been a popular tv show for years.  The question of, if you were marooned on a desert island, what would be important.  Frankly, I never got past my first answer – conditioner.  Now, here I am.  Living on the island of Maui, watching a global shutdown, days away from being told to stay in our homes, and conditioner – still a thing!

However, I’ve come up with another MUST HAVE – the understanding of Universal Law.  Because Universal Law is not susceptible to the Coronavirus.

This is not about burying your head in the sand, Maui or otherwise.  Coronavirus is a real 3-D thing happening.  Go to the market and/or Amazon Prime and stock up – check.  Cancel upcoming travel – check.  Get clear on finances – check.  Ask our bodies what other supplements or nutrition they need – check.

It’s not the time to panic though.  What it is time for is to KNOW that what you see is NOT all there is!

There are Universal Laws that are operating – no matter what is happening!

Here are a few…

Just because you perceive it, doesn’t mean it’s yours…  We are super aware beings… of people globally, of what’s happening with the Earth, of the asteroids… all the things.  Just because you can feel it in your body, doesn’t mean it’s yours.  Return to sender, baby!

What you focus on, expands…  Has your eyesight dimmed and your head exploded from all of the Facebook, Instagram, and news posts?  You can ask to receive any energy or news you require, instead taking our global “time-out” to be with your loved ones, to write or paint or play?  We get to add to the frequency of fear or of love.  It’s always a choice.  What channel are you tuning into?

There is unlimited abundance… Your clients are not your source.  Your job is not your source.  Your investments are not your source.  Your bank account is not your source.  They are just channels – and they can change in a moment.  However, true abundance is unlimited.  It’s not dependent on or affected by a human, an event, a program, or a virus.  There are infinite channels of abundance from SOURCE – even, and especially now – desiring to come play with you.  Are you open to receiving them?

EVERYTHING is energy… We are the space between the molecules.  We are energy in motion.  Our physical bodies are comprised mostly of water.  And, your “diet” includes your food, your environment, your reading & watching material, the people you surround yourself with, etc.  Your diet feeds your cells.  Your cells vibrate.  Your vibration creates your reality.  What are you feeding your energy?

Ask AND receive… We get to ask AND receive.  One of the most powerful asks is “SHOW ME“.  Show me the abundance I am.  Universe, I ask that you surprise and delight me all day long.  Show me how this can turn out to be even better than I imagined.  Show me how I can thrive.  Show me how I can serve even more.  Show me how I can BE and receive more love.  There is also no difference in the size of what we ask.  Abraham Hicks says that it makes no difference to the Universe if we ask for a button or a castle.  What are you asking for?

We are limitless… Yes, we are having a human experience.  Yet, we are SO much more than that.  It’s been proven that we are, depending on which scientist you tap, more than 80-90% dark matter.  That is unknown, unlimited Universal potential.  We are made up of the same material as stars.  We also have Trillions of cells, each of them having power to fuel a city for months at a time.  We are SOOOOOOOO much more than we think we are.  What % of you are you actually BEing?

EVERYTHING happens for a reason…  Everything happens for us.  No matter how it looks, life always happens FOR us, not to us.  This virus is here to serve humanity.  I wonder how.

These are just a few of the Universal Laws that are present.  It is a balancing act, living in this time.  We get to be present with what we are experiencing, we get to choose how we react & what we focus on AND we get to know that this is not all that is happening.

Now is THE time.  Now is YOUR time.  It is time to EXPAND even more…  It is time to listen to our INTUITION even more… It is time to RECEIVE even more…  It is time to DEEPEN INTO JOY even more…  It is time to ACCESS YOUR DIVINITY even more… It is time for GRATITUDE even more…  It is time to BE LOVE even more…  It is time to OWN YOUR POWER even more…  Now that’s a virus worth catching!

 

Sofia Leva-Marie

Look Up

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Have you noticed an apparent obsession with screen time that people have? In restaurants, look around and see how many cell phones you see? I don’t use my cell phone while walking on sidewalks because it seems like everyone else is, and I prefer not to get bumped into. And in movie theatres, even though they announce to please not use your cell phones, you can always see screens glowing during movies.  All this preoccupation with screens has led me to make a decision to be mindful of when I use my devices.

When I am with someone, I put my device away. I look at people who are speaking to me, and I look in the eyes of the person I am speaking too.  Saying this seems odd since BCP (before cell phones), this is how people communicated, but often now, this doesn’t happen. And it’s not only looking at people, it is hearing too. Little white pods seem to be growing out of everyone’s ears. The gym I go to plays good work out music, yet still most people there have their listening devices firmly in their ears listening to something else. What’s happening is we are becoming a society of isolated people.

In life, communicating with other people is vital. When I see children splashing in the waves or the mud and laughing, they are living their lives full out, enjoying the experience. When I see them in a restaurant with their families glued to their games, they are missing out on the experience of getting to know their loved ones, and most often, there is a blank expression on their faces. And people take so many pictures and selfies, that they don’t see anything beyond their screens. We seem to be trying to hypnotize ourselves.

To bring more joy, laughter, and love into your life, try looking up. Make eye contact, smile, talk to people. Keep your phone in your pocket for when you actually need it. Find ways to experience life instead of avoiding it. I feel so much better when I am actually connected with people and enjoying the beauty all around me. I encourage you to be mindful with what you choose to do, and experience the wonderful results that can make your life sweeter.