grief

Life is like Water

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Water has been on my mind lately. We’ve had more rain in the last month on Maui than I think we’ve had in the three and a half years I have lived here. Everything is wet, so wet that it’s mushy. If you stand on the grass, you will sink, feeling a little like shallow quicksand.  Yet everything is so beautiful, a verdant green bursting with life. And the water is flowing, like in the ditch on the side of our property where is flows like a stream with water running down from Haleakala’s top where snow is melting.

This is such a stark contrast to where we were living in Ventura before we moved here that everything was so dry with the ongoing drought that we were encouraged to pull out our lawns and replace them with succulents that needed little water, or even cover our front yards with rocks. And with all that dryness came devastating fires. So please don’t think I am complaining about the lovely rain we are having.

I am grateful to live where our water is safe to drink because it is rainwater naturally filtered through underground, porous volcanic rock. So we’re blessed with this pure, clean water. And it is so pure and clean because it keeps moving. When water doesn’t move, where it accumulates in puddles or ponds, it becomes stagnant, it smells, and it can be full of unhealthy elements.

What does all this have to do with grieving? Many times when people grieve, they get stuck. Doing what they need to so they can be healthy is just too hard. They sit and can’t seem to make an effort to get up, to move around or go out for a walk, let alone go to the gym or to participate in a healthy activity. When this happens, they become stagnant. This can lead to lack of energy and health problems, which leads to more to be sad about. And it’s not unusual to not drink enough when they feel this way. This can lead to dehydration, which can show up as bad breath, a sticky mouth, dry skin, fever, and lots more symptoms like urinary tract infections. You may not even realize you are thirsty.

When you are well hydrated, you look better, you feel better, and you are healthier. Just as the comparison between land affected by drought as opposed to where there is plenty of rain, the difference is so obvious. When grieving, self-care is vital, and one of the easiest things you can do to feel better is to get plenty of water to drink, water, not sodas and juice. Have some herbal tea, or squeeze some lemon into a class of ice water. The simplest thing like drinking water can make an amazing difference  in how you feel.

I raise a toast to you of lovely lemon water. Please virtually clink my glass and have a drink of your own!

The Great, Great Gift

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In Facebook yesterday, Kelly’s Treehouse posted:  “If you know someone who has lost a very important person in their life and you’re afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them, they didn’t forget that they died. What you are reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great, great gift.”

I loved Kelly’s sentiment and thought my Grief Transformation Tribe would like to see this thought, so I shared the post not thinking of me. But much to my delight, I heard back from people! Vickie Christy-Stricklind said:“Roger and I were sharing a story about Jacques a few days ago.” This reminded me of many memories of Jacques and how he loved performing and hanging out with the theatre crowd, and it made me smile.

Karyn Shaudis said: “I remember the last time I saw Ron. He was standing in front of Trader Joe’s. He was talking on his cell phone and looking fine with his big smile he tipped his hat to me. I can still see him there each time I pull into that lot.” I could picture that so clearly. Ron was always on his phone, and he had a big beautiful smile, and that tipping of his hat was so him! Rev Ron performed Karyn and Jim’s wedding ceremony, and thinking of that and the other weddings Ron did, especially Isabel and Gina, brought me joy. He was serious about love and loving and making sure people were really in love when they got married. I know we were.

So this holiday season, think of how happy you can make someone you know by sending them a remembrance of someone they loved who died. Remember they lived. Remember their joy. And remember the joy they brought to you. This great, great gift may bring a few tears, but those tears of the memory of joy are so sweet!

You Wish!

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Do you ever think about how you wish your life was different? How you wish you were more in control of your life? I used to do just that. I would add more junk mail to the pile that I know I’d get around to reading later. I would climb back into the bed because it wasn’t made anyway and it looked so inviting. I would eat one more serving of what I made for dinner because then I wouldn’t have to put it away. I would skip flossing my teeth because I could always do it tomorrow. Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you can fix it!

 

How would you like your life to be different? Make a list of what you would really like. Then look at that list one item at a time. Let’s say you always feel tired and never get enough sleep or you get too much. You have identified a problem you have, and you know your life would be ever so much better if you could solve it. So the answer is, develop a new habit. You may go to bed at irregular hours, or got to bed too early or too late. You may watch TV, play games on your phone, or read until late into the night. Then when you get up, you are tired, so you don’t make the bed, and later that open bed looks so inviting that you climb back in for a short nap that may not be so short.

 

When you decide you really want more energy, decide to start a new habit. Set a specific time you want to go to bed by every night then do it. No excuses. Do it without your tv, your phone, your light, or your book. Meditate and practice conscious breathing. Instead of counting sheep, count things you are grateful for, and go to sleep. This may see hard at first, but as you cultivate the habit, it will become easier every night. Then every morning as soon as you get up, let the first thing you do be to make your bed. You won’t want to mess up that neat bed by day sleeping, and that will make it easier for your to fall asleep at night. If you get tired in the day, find a peaceful place to sit up straight, close your eyes and meditate. When your meditation is finished, you will feel refreshed and ready to go on about your day.

 

When you have one new habit established, decide the next thing you want to tackle. Throw out your junk mail before you add it to a pile. Serve yourself a reasonable portion of food and put the rest away before you eat so you won’t be tempted to overeat. Floss your teeth every time you brush (it really doesn’t take that much time!)

 

What would make your life better? What would make you happier? What would make you feel more in control? Choose what new habits you can start to make things better and start them. Some habits have a bad reputation of not being good for you so you may avoid all habits, but you don’t have to. Good habits can bring you the peace you desire. They can help you keep your surroundings in order. And they can make you happy. Just imagine how good it will feel every day to start out with your bed made, your teeth clean, and your clutter in the trash. And think how good it will feel to identify what your challenges are and figure out what kind of a habit you can create to eliminate those challenges so that you don’t even have to think about them anymore.

 

So get started, now! What are you going to do to rock your world?