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What Does Eating Have to Do With Grief?

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Picture your absolutely favorite food. What does it smell like? What does it look like? What does it taste like? Imagine sitting at your table beautifully set and that perfect food before you. Place one bite in your mouth. Savor it. Experience what it feels like in your mouth. Gently swallow that bite. And sit for a moment, seeing what is left of your severing before you. Enjoy the taste lingering in your mouth. Take a deep breath. Smile at your pleasure. Then take another small bite and enjoy the experience all over again.

So many times we eat whatever is available, and we eat in a rush.  While that may deal with an immediate problem of hunger or not having the time to eat, it doesn’t usually serve us. Eating is one of the most important things we do for ourselves and much too frequently, we just don’t pay attention. 

In transitioning through the process of grieving, eating challenges often happen. Either we eat mindlessly maybe while sitting in front of the television and eating a whole bag of potato chips or a whole package of cookies. Or maybe we just can’t stand the thought of putting something in our mouths or of entering the kitchen where we used to enjoy preparing meals for our loved one. Whatever our eating challenge may be, now is a good time to pay attention to it.

What is your relationship with food right now? Could it be better? Food is the fuel that serves us to strengthen and heal our bodies, the energy that allows us to survive and take care of ourselves. Eating well is a huge step in recognizing the importance of taking care of our bodies and in turn our souls.

Try an experiment. What food do you keep in your kitchen? Is it healthy food? Is it highly processed? What kinds of foods do you like to eat? Considering all that, make a list of the food you would really like to eat for the next few days. Choose things that are fresh and not processed. If you don’t already have these foods in your kitchen or garden, go shopping. Buy produce that is labeled as local, or better yet, go to a farmer’s market. At this point, only focus on the new few days. Overbuying can be overwhelming both to your budget and your energy.

Plan when you are going to eat the food you have chosen. Waiting till your really hungry causes you to pick up something that is easy and eat to much of it. So plan the times you want to eat that will fit best with your schedule. And  if your challenge has been not eating, be sure to eat something at those times you have planned. In either case, eat a reasonable amount. Take time while you are eating to savor your food. And after you have eaten, clean up right away. Dirty dishes in the sink are unappetizing and lead to making poor eating choices to just eat something easy and processed or not eat at all. Plus cleaning up right away is much easier and keeps your home in order which is helpful in the transition process. 

Eating consciously is a big step in the grief transformation process. Try it and see what happens. Let me know how it works out for you. I am here to help in your grief transformation process.

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays present a special challenge to those grieving. Especially hard are the first ones that come by for the first time after a loved one departs. I realized that I was just ignoring the season when my first Christmas came. I had made the effort to create a Christmas card with a drawing I had done on the front, and I expressed inside the gratitude I had for all those who had supported me this year. Writing the card itself was challenging because I wanted to say just the right thing.

I know lots of people have stopped sending out cards, but for me it was a way to reach out to all those I care about.  I made a long list and sent lots of cards. In the love and work I put into the cards, I was hoping people would notice that I was reaching out for support. But they didn’t.  I got very few cards this year.  I assume that everyone is busy and they feel Christmas cards are a nuisance, but they weren’t to me. I did write a reply to every card I received, and I learned that just because something is important to me doesn’t me that anyone else will call.  I do not believe that anyone was trying to be hurtful.

So, on Christmas Day I was sitting alone, remembering the huge family gatherings that we had when I was growing up.  My mom had three living sisters and a brother and they would take turns as to who would host Christmas. There was not much money between us all, but we still had wonderful celebrations with lots of food, games, and love. I looked at my Facebook and noticed that members of grief groups were posting heavily that day, and most of them had the same feeling, that they were not invited. When I thought about that, I remember the first Christmas after Jacques, who I was with for 23 years, had died. Though his family dropped by for a short visit, I was basically by myself, and in tears, and thinking who would want to be around this crybaby dragging their Christmas down. As I thought that this year, I could hear my Ron, who I was with for 10 years, say to me, “Now how does thinking that serve you.” That woke me up. What could I do to improve the situation?

The first thing I did was to make a list of everyone who I could think of who may be alone that day or may have had a recent loss or tragedy in their family. The I wrote an individual note to each of them to send by email, by messenger, or by regular mail. I expressed my love and support and suggested we get together for the next holiday if possible at least by phone or mail since I live so far away from everyone else in the world!  Then I went farther and wrote a note to each one I noticed in the grief groups online who felt alone that day. I told them they had a virtual friend and that frequently people don’t have any idea what to say to people who are grieving so that if there is someone they needed to hear from, they could try to reach out first.

I didn’t hear back from many people, and that was OK.  At least I reminded them that I am alive, and that I would love to stay involved with my family and friends. The next holiday will be better, and I know I’ll find more people to reach out to then.