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Change Your World!

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I read a short book today named A Pocket Guide to Gratitude by one of our Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss group members, Karen Schaal.  It reminded me of my journey with gratitude that I thought I will share with you. Reflecting now, I can see clearly the division in my life from before I really started practicing gratitude to when I adopted a practice of focusing on gratitude every day.

My life was good. I was married to Jacques, a kind, brilliant, loving man, was involved in my community, and I loved what I was doing with my life. Then I had the opportunity to support him through the last two years of his life. Then I was alone. My attitude was negative. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I mostly felt sorry for me. None of that was helping me at all, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was inspired to write a list of things I was grateful for after watching the move The Secret. I was hesitant at first with my negative attitude trying to convince me I didn’t have anything to be grateful for. Surprisingly, I discovered I had lots to be grateful for. The more items I wrote on my list, the more grateful I became, and the more things I thought of to be grateful for.

Soon I realized that I was thanking people all the time. I was smiling more than I had in years, and my attitude had mostly switched to positive. I did learn to pay attention when I would automatically react with a knee-jerk negative thought, but as I paid attention to this, it happened less and less. I have continued my gratitude practice for 12 years now and it grows stronger all the time. Reading that book today, it really hit me that I am such a different person than I was before. I focus on the good, on reaching out, and on being grateful for every moment making every moment something to be grateful for.

Recognizing what you are grateful for can’t help but make you smile. And all those smiles bring so much positivity into your life. I encourage you to focus on what you are grateful in your life. One way you can do this is by “Flipping the script.” What I mean by this is to notice when you start drifting into negativity. For instance, you might say “I have nothing to be grateful for since my loved one died, and I am alone.” Yes, that is sad, but you can find something positive by saying, “I am grateful for all the years, the moments I had with my loved one.” Or “I am grateful for the wonderful conversations we had.” Thinking those thoughts with a positive attitude can bring you a smile. And you will discover things to actively do to bring more smiles based on those thoughts. You could invite a friend for a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a lovely conversation. Or you could spend some time with a friend or family member doing something that brings you both joy.

You can feel so much better when you focus on all the good in your life instead of on the negative. I encourage you to write down 5 things you are grateful for right now in this moment. Then see how good it feels. Then keep up the practice. You’ll be so glad you do!

 

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I Just Need to Vent!

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I remember in Jacques’s last couple of years that Queen’s song Under Pressure kept running through my mind. I kept thinking, if we can just get through this crisis, this hospitalization, this challenge, that things would get better, but those things just kept piling up, and the pressure was enormous. At times I felt guilty because I couldn’t wish, hope, or pray enough to make him better. I felt guilty because I would get upset with him for things way beyond his control. I felt frustrated because I had given up my business and my profession to care for him. All this and much more kept building up to the point where although all my focus was on him, I started to fall apart.

 

I realized that I needed to talk to someone, but I didn’t know who, and I felt guilty taking time away from his care to care for me. Then a miraculous blessing came into my life when my best friend from high school knocked at my door. I hadn’t seen her for many years because she had moved to Alaska. Our friendship had remained strong even through the absence. She took one look at me and saw I needed support. Her caring for me made all the difference in the world. She ended up staying with me Jacques’ last few months and for a few months after that. She lovingly shared Jacques’ care and saw to it that I was taking care of me. But most of all, she listened. Whether it was talking about the current challenges or reminiscing times past, we talked for hours.

 

And we laughed. Her presence allowed me to vent all that pressure that had built up inside and have room in my chest to breathe again. This reminded me of my pressure cooker. To use a pressure cooker, you have to seal it and steam builds up pressure inside so that the food cooks quickly. When the cooking is done, the pressure has to be released by cooling and slowly opening a valve on the lid. The remaining steam hisses out, and only when the steam stops is it safe to open that lid without the risk of an explosion. My slow venting of all my pressure to Yvonne allowed me to stabilize, to breathe, to face what was coming, yet face it slowly, one moment at a time.

 

If your pressure is building up, find a way to vent it slowly and safely. Find a friend, a counselor, a minister, someone who will just listen until you have vented all you need to so that you are able to be open again. If there is not someone readily available that you trust, start by pouring out everything into a journal. You will discover that you can release built up anger and guilt knowing that those qualities don’t serve you. When all your steam is vented, you can breathe deep breaths again and focus on the moment. In that moment, you are alive, you are breathing, you are beautiful, and you are loved. Focus on that, one moment at a time, and release that pressure every time it starts to build up. You will discover that it builds up less and less, and that allows you the strength you need right now.