Lately it seems that so many people are dying. In dealing with people in grief, often they mention that it isn’t just that their loved one died, but there are so many others dying, too, that dealing with all that death can be overwhelming. So what can you do?

Often when we see or hear of others dying, our own mortality comes into question. If you fear dying or feel that you are not ready to die, these reminders of death can catapult you into depression and anxiety, but they don’t have to. We all know deep down that the only thing we can positively know in life is that we all are going to die, so we can fear death, or we can choose to live every moment in the time we have.

Having been around so many people who have died, I have noticed some commonalities. Often, when people receive a terminal diagnosis or when they realize they are dying because of a sudden illness or accident, I have seen these people become at peace, relaxing into the experience. My mother, for example, didn’t smile for years after Daddy died. When she received a terminal diagnosis, she cried at first. But after that first day, she seemed happier than she had been in years. Watching the experience of her joy enabled me to keep things in perspective.  So I started watching others and contemplating what the best things for me to do in this situation would be.

First, I committed to listen to the dying. They have things they want to say, and they want to be heard. Ways you can help would be to record their thoughts or maybe write letters for them. But mostly, just listen to them while they can still share with you. In Ron’s last week, the most important thing for him was to say goodbye to everyone he wanted to. And he did, either in person or by Face Time where he could look in their eyes, and that brought him so much peace.

Don’t put off visiting with someone you care about. The time of death is unpredictable, so visit whenever you get a chance. Human contact can mean more than anything else.  As death approaches, contact is the only thing left that really matters.

The most important thing here is for you to take care of yourself, as you will still be here after the death, and you matter. Take some time to explore your feelings. Write them down. Expressing yourself by journaling can help you realize where your fears are lurking, or realize that you have nothing to fear. Writing help you to keep things in perspective. And living your best life is the best way to honor your loved ones.

PS If you’d like some help, check out my Guide to living in the moment at https://griefandhappiness.com/free/or my new resource page of books that have helped me along the way at https://griefandhappiness.com/resources/

In creating the services I offer online, I wanted a symbol that represents me and the “why” of what I am doing. I didn’t have to look far because I am surrounded by tropical beauty here in Hawaii, and I knew instantly that the beautiful flower, the plumeria, is what I am all about. I know my purpose it to help you navigate through your grief, but my emphasis is on guiding you to experience the beauty and joy of life, and the plumeria does that.

 

The plumeria flower grows on trees. When in bloom, the trees are covered with the flowers which can blow free from the trees and float through the air. They come in many bright, clear colors, like brilliant white with a bright yellow center, or yellow, or light magenta, or a combination of all those colors, just like the people I am reaching out to, each unique. Their intoxicating sweet, spicy fragrance brings me right to the peace, comfort,  and beauty of the island.

 

Lovely leis, or flower necklaces, can be made with plumerias. The offering of a lei to someone is a greeting of aloha. When someone reaches over your head to place a lei on your shoulders, they are showering you with the spirit of aloha which means love. You can see the beauty, smell the fragrance of Hawaii, and feel the love not only of the person presenting you with the lei, but from the people of Hawaii in general.

 

The simple design of one layer of petals overlapping each other and joined at the strong center keeps the flower together as it floats through the wind or is used for lei making, representing the strength of the Hawaiian people as they honor their traditions and culture. This reminds me of the strength I have to face anything that comes my way.

 

Ron and I came here on our honeymoon, and he was always picking up a plumeria blossom for me. They were just as beautiful on the ground as in the tree. I wore the plumeria in my hair as a symbol of our love. We also had plumerias in the car, on the kitchen counter, in the bathroom, on the coffee table, surrounding ourselves with the beauty of aloha.

 

In using the symbol of the plumeria flower in all I do, I bring peace, beauty, strength, and love to you.

Before moving to Maui, we visited often, and I always felt wonderful while I was here. I couldn’t define why at the time, but I did see that everyone was friendly. We were always greeted with Aloha and thanked with Mahalo. When we moved here, I had the same feeling. I have always wanted to live where I knew my neighbors well, and for the first time in my life, I have that here. Almost every day we will barrow something from a neighbor, a neighbor will stop by just to say hello, or a neighbor will bake fresh bread and share it. We even exchange the produce from our gardens every week. In Hawaii, the word for family is Ohana, and my neighbors and other island friends definitely make up my Maui Ohana.

This weekend we had a big storm and many trees were blown down. My next-door neighbors were trapped in their car with fallen trees in front of and behind them. A man who had hiked up to his house because he couldn’t drive through the obstructions noticed my friends and invited them into his home, fed them, and gave them a room to stay the night with fresh sheets! What could have turned into a catastrophe turned into an adventure by this stranger sharing his Spirit of Aloha.

During Ron’s last week, although we were vegetarian, he decided he wanted bar-b-que ribs. No sooner had he mentioned that then the Ohana came together and created a fabulous feast. While this loving support is amazing, and I am eternally grateful for it, I discovered, it is the law!

Aunty Pilahi Paki (Aunty is the honorary title of endearment and respect for an older woman) wrote the Aloha Spirit Law when she foresaw that the world would experience great strife and would turn to Hawaii for healing. It was actually passed into law in Hawaii in 1986.

This is the Aloha Spirit law, according to Hawaii.gov:

[§5-7.5]  “Aloha Spirit”.  (a)  “Aloha Spirit” is the coordination of mind and heart within each person.  It brings each person to the self.  Each person must think and emote good feelings to others.  

    These are traits of character that express the charm, warmth and sincerity of Hawaii’s people.  It was the working philosophy of native Hawaiians and was presented as a gift to the people of Hawaii.  “Aloha” is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation.  “Aloha” means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return.  “Aloha” is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence.  “Aloha” means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable.

    (b)  In exercising their power on behalf of the people and in fulfillment of their responsibilities, obligations and service to the people, the legislature, governor, lieutenant governor, executive officers of each department, the chief justice, associate justices, and judges of the appellate, circuit, and district courts may contemplate and reside with the life force and give consideration to the “Aloha Spirit”. [L 1986, c 202, §1]

So it turns out that the wonderful feelings I experience here are the law! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people everywhere voluntarily practiced this philosophy? I have made it a part of my life which has changed everything for me. I hope your will embrace the spirit of Aloha too!

 

https://www.capitol.hawaii.gov/hrscurrent/Vol01_Ch0001-0042F/HRS0005/HRS_0005-0007_0005.htm

After loss, when you get to the point where you want to talk to someone, where do you go? I discovered that I had pretty much isolated myself and knew that it was time to climb out of my cocoon. When we moved to Maui, Ron was having significant health challenges, so I chose to spend my time with him. Two years later, he was gone and I only knew a few people. They already knew my story, and I didn’t want them to think I was broken. I wanted to find some strength to step forward.

I thought about going to a counselor, but in researching online about counselors who were close enough to go to, I do live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I found that while some had training in grief, they didn’t necessarily have experience with their own grief, and I wasn’t sure I could relate to them.  Hospice invited me to attend their group, but when I thought of that, I just envisioned people in pain, sobbing through their stories and not hearing anyone else. I realize that I am probably totally off base by that assumption. I probably made that up as an excuse not to go. The Hospice people I worked with to help Ron all were wonderful. Sometimes I am amazed by the road blocks I put up in my own way.

Then someone invited me to a Death Café. I thought that was a weird name, but I looked it up online, and it seemed like a positive place to be, and that was what I was looking for. I went to my first meeting, and loved that we were at a Mexican restaurant eating chips and salsa and sharing  stories and talking about anything relating to death.  I was relaxed and comfortable and especially grateful that I didn’t feel like the odd person out. Often when dealing with loss, you may find yourself in circumstances where everyone seems like their lives are ideal with no loss. When I’d be in a place like that, I wasn’t comfortable speaking about my situation, so I would just smile (so I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable with a widow in the room) and pretend that all was well.

So that first meeting has led me to become the facilitator for Death Café Maui. We met last night, and I was so grateful to be there. The people who came had all lost someone, or several people, and were dealing with their grief, and everyone supported each other. Talking about ways to deal with what we all had experienced or were experiencing felt so freeing and positive. And telling your story is so important. I have discovered that the more often I share about Ron and Jacques, the easier it is and the shorter the story is. I feel like I have found my people, I’m home. And I also feel like I am more comfortable talking to anyone else. I don’t have to be identified by my grief. Instead, I now am identified with my life.

If you haven’t found that place yet where you feel heard and supported, start looking now. If there is a Death Café in your area, check it out. If you are in Maui, contact me and I’ll give you all the details. If there is not a Death Café near you or the concept doesn’t resonate with you, find someplace else. For you it may be a Hospice group, or you might just invite some friends you know who are dealing with loss over for some cake and conversation. I’ve also heard of a group gaining popularity around the country called The Dinner Party: Life After Loss that has been create especially for 20 to 30 year-olds.

The important thing here is, choose to move forward from isolation. Choose to find your people. They are out there and are probably just waiting to hear from you.

Ram Dass is now a spiritual leader who started out as a prominent Harvard psychologist.  In 1967 he traveled to India and met his guru. This is when his life changed. His guru gave him the name Ram Dass which means Servant of God. He has been guiding people along their spiritual journeys ever since for over 50 years with his basic philosophy: “Be here now.”

Even though Ram Dass suffered a near fatal stroke, he continues to teach and inspire people from all over the world. I knew he lives in Maui, and I set my intention to see him not having any idea of how that could happen.

When I started writing my upcoming book, Fifty-Two Weeks: A Self-Care Guide through the First Year of Grief, I knew I had to have a social media platform and that I needed to become known in order to get a book contract. Since I have been teaching writing at the university level and had written books myself, I saw the logical way for me to become known would be through teaching classes about writing through grief. After I created the courses online, I went to The Death Store in Maui and offered to teach these classes in person. The Death Store is part of the Doorway Into Light non-profit foundation whose mission is to support the end of life and education among other things death related. This led to me becoming the facilitator for the Death Café in Maui, a group that meets once a month to talk about anything related to death. In working with them, I discovered Ram Dass is on their board of directors.

I volunteered to help with one of their events. Ram Dass turned out to be speaking there and my manifestation came true. I was able to be in the room as he spoke. Before he spoke, the large gathering was very noisy and active. When he entered the room, it became totally silent. Though partially paralyzed and in a wheel chair, he never stopped smiling as he spoke and he enjoyed a good laugh. As I stood before him, I was overwhelmed with the thought that we were breathing the same air. This had a profound effect on me.

What I contemplated was that we are all connected in some way. I also breathed the breath of John K. Kennedy, Richard Nixon, and Hilary Clinton at different times in my life, as well as countless people from patients I took care of, to students I have taught, to people in South Africa, Italy, Chile, and many other places I have visited. I breathed the air of those I love and well as strangers. We all breathe in air as we are born, and breathe out air as we leave this earthly existence.  We all share the opportunity to breathe, to smile, and to love.

I chose to experience this breath I share with gratitude for all the life experiences it has brought me. And for knowing that I am still breathing the air where Ron and I lived here in Maui, and that there has to be some of the air his precious breath that I can breathe in and feel his love.

So take a deep breath and feel how connected we all are.