Peripheral Grief

I was born and raised in a small town in central California named Porterville. Growing up, I spent lots of time at our library. My very first job was there when my teacher recommended me to read stories to the children on Saturday mornings for pay.  I was thrilled to be in a place I loved doing what I loved to do. I haven’t lived in Porterville for many years, but I still am an owner of Imperial Ambulance, the company my father traded our home for when I was 13. 

I started going on ambulance calls at 14 because you only had to be 14 then and have an advanced first aid certificate.  I have a deep respect and admiration for first responders and am happy to provide jobs for them.  When the fire started Tuesday, I knew our crews would be there. They stayed there around the clock until last night when the second firefighter’s body was found. He was only 25. The first firefighter was a Captain at age 34 and had started his career at our ambulance company as an EMT. These two firefighters were friends of most of my crew.

I have found myself grieving since the fire started, first for the library, then when I found out about the fire fighters, then for the two 13-year-old boys who started the fire. I am also thinking about the families of all the firefighters and the boys. Also, my crews who spent so many hours on duty at the fire and who lost their friends. And I feel for the fire crews coming in from the surrounding fire departments as far away as LA so that the Porterville fire fighters can stand down to mourn.

The grief has settled in on the city of Porterville and Tulare County like the dense Tule fog known to blanket the area. Ripples of the grief flow out to all the people who know anyone involved with the fire in any way. This morning there was a procession from the library in Porterville to the county coroner in Tulare. Following the vehicle carrying the fallen firefighter found last night, came fire fighters, our Imperial ambulances, the firefighters family, police cars, and other emergency vehicles from throughout the county all with red lights and sirens to show their respect.

My tears from all this of course bring up memories not only of the loved ones I have lost but of all the people I cared for in the ambulances and later as a nurse. Every life and death I have touched with my caring has settled in a special place in my heart, and reminders like this rock me every time. I am reminded to pay attention and to live and love in every moment, to be grateful that I could be there to help who most times were perfect strangers as they transitioned.

We often think of grief only in relation to those we are very close to, but grief can come for people you don’t even know. When this happens, realize it is part of your humanness and shed the tears you need to. Talk to someone about how you are feeling or write in your journal and pour your heart out to discover exactly what you are feeling and why. Take good care of yourself and be there for others when you can to share the experience.

I am glad I have this outlet to write to you. Thank you for reading.