Grief in the time of Covid 19

In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief have me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world. I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death •

• Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for •
• Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity •
• The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus •
• Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
•  Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
• People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
• Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
• Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way. The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe: 

• Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying. 
• Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
• Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
• Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
• Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
• Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
• If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
• Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
• Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
• Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared. When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before. We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment. In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other. He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it. If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together. For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store. They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take. There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

• What else can you do?
• Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
• Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
• Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
• Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
• Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
• Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
• Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
• Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
• Join a virtual grief group.
• Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
• Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
• Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
• Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
• Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
• Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
• Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean. Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this. We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

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